Please enjoy the misery while it's still fresh. One day (hopefully soon), this will all be a fond and horrible memory.
Andy Ross is a writer and performer in New York. You can see more of his work at his daily comedy blog here.
Tags: Animals, BP, Energy & Oil, Environment, Gulf Coast, Postcards from the News
According to reports this morning, it would appear as though we're maybe nearing the end of this one particular aspect of this one particular ecological catastrophe…
With a new, tighter-fitting cap in place on its runaway well in the Gulf of Mexico, BP prepared on Tuesday to test whether the gusher could be stopped completely…
[BP executive Kent] Wells said at a briefing in Houston that the installation of the new cap was completed Monday evening, ahead of schedule. "It really went extremely well," he said. "But we know that the job's not over yet."
If the tests on the well show the pressure rising and holding — an indication that the well is intact, with no significant damage to the casing pipe that runs the length of the well bore to 13,000 feet below the seafloor — BP, working with government scientists, could decide to leave the valves closed, effectively shutting off the well.
Effectively shutting off the well? That's good right? Intellectually, I know that those words are a good thing, but for some reason, they're not making me feel happy. Maybe I've lost the capacity to see the positive side to this story, since, forever, there was no such thing as a positive sign to this story.
Or maybe — like a battered wife (or battered husband — hey, this is the teens!) — I've come to rely on this gush of poisonous liquid. Maybe being in a near-constant state of low-level depression has become so internalized into my psyche these past few months that I need its soothing throb. Like, who am I if I'm not trying to not think about oil-soaked dolphins? How will I get by without the negativity?
On the other hand, the tests could show pressures that are lower than expected, Mr. Wells said, an indication that the well is damaged. That could mean that oil and gas are leaking into the surrounding rock.
In that case, keeping the cap closed could damage the well further. The valves would have to be reopened and oil would start escaping from the well again…
Aaaaahhhh… So soothing.
Tags: Animals, BP, Energy & Oil, Environment, Gulf Coast
This isn't anything new, really. People have been using Photoshop to solve global crises for years now.
Like, remember that international incident in which nobody could find naked pictures of Alyson Hannigan online? Solved (like, a million times over) thanks to Photoshop!
The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm / 10:30c.
Tags: Animals, Barack Obama, BP, Energy & Oil, Gulf Coast, Louisiana
Oh, hey, hi! Good morning! Have you experienced your daily BP oil spill-fueled rage? No? Well, take a gander at this fun bit of newly uncovered info…
"The federal agency charged with protecting endangered species like the brown pelican and the Kemp's ridley sea turtle [the Fish and Wildlife Service] signed off on the Minerals Management Service's conclusion that deepwater drilling for oil in the Gulf of Mexico posed no significant risk to wildlife, despite evidence that a spill of even moderate size could be disastrous, according to federal documents."
Imagine you're a nursery school teacher getting certified for CPR and first aid. "Should we learn how to clear the airway?" you ask. "What about stabilizing the head? What about performing CPR on a small child or infant? What about restarting a stopped heart? "
"Oh no," the instructor responds. "Those things totally won't be a problem, probably, maybe. Just don't worry about it."
"Oh good!" you cheer. "Let's give jumbo gumballs to a bunch of babies and leave them alone for several hours!"
That is more or less exactly how the Fish and Wildlife Service reacted when the Minerals Management Service said that deepwater drilling was totally cool, brodicus. Whatever happened to preparing for the worst and hoping for the best? Is that not the guiding principle behind disaster readiness plans?
Maybe it would've helped if, at some point, a friendly individual had tactfully approached a senior official at Fish and Wildlife and gently said, "It occurred to me today that maybe, possibly, in this particular instance, wishful thinking isn't good enough for a FEDERAL FUCKING AGENCY IN CHARGE OF FUCKING PROTECTING THESE BEAUTIFUL, DEFENSELESS CREATURES FROM CHOKING TO DEATH ON OIL! You stupid, shortsighted ass-goblins. You let this happen–you, and the MMS, and BP, and all of us who are too complacent to lobby and protest for safer, cleaner energy because hey, SUVs are awesome! Fucking fuck YOU, and fucking fuck US, and fucking fuck the shit out of BP."
Tags: Animals, BP, Energy & Oil, Gulf Coast
The Fox News crowd is predictably appalled that anyone would pass some blame for the Gulf oil spill onto George W. Bush. But as Jon Stewart pointed out on last night's Daily Show, they were more than glad to fault Bill Clinton anytime something went awry during the Bush administration. Of course, blaming Bush and blaming Clinton are both incredibly unfair. Because all this stuff, from 9/11 to Katrina to both recessions, is obviously William Henry Harrison's fault.
The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11pm / 10c.
Tags: 9/11, Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, Dick Morris, Economy, Energy & Oil, Fox, George W. Bush, Gulf Coast, Jon Stewart, Laura Ingraham, Recession, Rudy Giuliani, Sean Hannity, Steve Doocy, The Daily Show, Video, William Henry Harrison