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Guns
  • Glenn Beck Does the Glenn Beckiest Thing Ever

    If you have never seen Glenn Beck in action, he's done you the favor of creating a segment that captures his je ne sais crazy so perfectly that you need never watch another episode again.

    There are tears. An imaginary Lady Liberty. And: mouth to mouth with an American flag.

    Read More »


    Tags: Flags, Glenn Beck, Guns
  • Georgia City to Make Gun Ownership Mandatory Because Freedom

    Every freedom-loving American knows the only defense against a big, overreaching government is guns. Lots and lots of guns.*

    There's just one problem. It turns out that some free Americans don't like owning guns. Enter Nelson, Georgia, a small community north of Atlanta that could soon require every "head of household residing in the city limits" to "maintain a firearm, together with ammunition therefore."

    To recap, governments that force you to purchase deadly weapons are fine. It's only a problem if they start jamming health care down your throat.

    Next, this town will try changing the state motto to "Georgia: Come for the Peaches, Stay for the Irony."

    And you better do what they say. They all have guns.

    * Or voting, if you're lame.

    Photo by Mario Tama/Getty Images News/Getty Images


    Tags: Georgia, Guns
  • Shotgun Joe Biden Got Some Advice for You

    Dear America, whether it's a question about sex, guns or the real-estate market, Joe Biden has the answer you need.

    Dear Mr. Vice President, 
    I feel like my teenage sister is making a big mistake. For the past six months she's been dating a guy I like to call Douchey McGee. He doesn't return her calls, then comes over uninvited. I've told her to break it off, but she won't listen. Is it my place to do anything? – Dan in California

    Dear Dan,
    You have one job: Keep boys away from your sister. – Joe Biden PS. If you need any help on your pecs, man, give me a call.

    Dear Joe,
    Thanks for the advice! But working out is boring, so I bought an AR-15. Not only will this keep creeps away from my sister, my dad says it's a good thing to have handy for when you and the president start forcing us to buy health insurance. – Dan in California

    Woah there Dan,
    You know, my shotgun will do better for you than your AR-15, because you want to keep someone away from your house, just fire the shotgun through the door. – Joe Biden

    Dear Mr. Vice President,
    I'm a 24-year-old woman dating an older man. He's kind and loving, but recently we've been having trouble in the bedroom. How can I approach him about his impotency issues without ruining our relationship? - Between a Rock and an Unhard Place

    Dear BARAAUP,
    No dates until you're 30. – Joe Biden

    Dear Vice President Biden,
    My husband and I are thinking of buying a home, but everything in our price range looks like it was built for dwarves or Europeans. Is it possible to raise a happy family in cramped quarters? - Sulking in Seattle

    Dear SIS,
    Growing up in a small house was wonderful for children. By the way — having your grandpop living with you, having your great aunt, your uncle, for real. Those walls were awful thin. I wonder how the hell my parents did it. But that's a different story. I know you don't know anything about that. – Joe Biden


    Tags: Guns, Joe Biden, Sex
  • The Idaho Militia Wants YOU

    And you. And you. And you. You too, grandma. State Sen. Jim Rice (R-Caldwell) wants to change the Idaho constitution to expand the state's militia to include every Idaho adult.

    His reasoning: if the Supreme Court ever decides that the right to possess AR-15s and other small-penis-compensators belongs only to "well-organized militias" and not individuals, Idaho will have a well-armed "backstop" against gun-grabbing liberals.

    Pretty clever, until you realize that Sen. Rice's plan for defending Idahoans against big government tyranny involves automatically enrolling them into a government posse. Hey, nothing says personal freedom like a draft.

    On the other hand, the Idaho constitution already enrolls all "able-bodied male persons, residents of this state, between the ages of eighteen and forty-five years" into their own private Idaho army, so forcing women to join may be the most progressive suggestion an Idaho legislator has ever made.

    Photo by Whitney Curtis/Getty Images News/Getty Images


    Tags: Guns, Idaho, Militias, State Legislature
  • Sarah Palin Can See Debt Riots From Her House

    Sarah PalinNice to know Sarah Palin's brain keeps the same schedule as her gubernatorial career. It worked pretty hard on the first part of this Facebook post about the sequester, then quit halfway through:

    If we are going to wet our proverbial pants over 0.3% in annual spending cuts when we're running up trillion dollar annual deficits, then we're done. Put a fork in us. We're finished. We're going to default eventually and that's why the feds are stockpiling bullets in case of civil unrest.

    No idea what this used-to-be-important lady is not talking about when she says that "the feds" are "stockpiling bullets"?

    Last year, the media reported on the government making bulk purchases of ammo (because savings), leading the Alex Joneses and Glenn Becks of the world to speculate about Barack Obama's plan to shoot Americans he personally dislikes (because crazy).

    So it appears Palin is joining the conspiracy-mongers, but then again, maybe she's just trying to save the economy. Growth in the tinfoil hat business could totally offset those pesky budget cuts. Think about it!

    Photo by Roberto Gonzalez/Getty Images News/Getty Images


    Tags: Debt, Guns, Sarah Palin, Sequester