Dick Cheney: What's the Big Deal with Certain People Having Tons of Money and Power?

Call him old-fashioned, but Dick Cheney just doesn't get these "Occupy Wall Street" whippersnappers. They spend their whole lives playing their Nintendo games and listening to their Metallica, then they start fussing when a few unimaginably wealthy individuals and corporations start using their power to direct economic and political affairs that affect the entire nation?

Come on, give it a rest, guys…

"My problem is I look at a lot of corporate America, I think some people today, well the crew, for example, that's out at Occupy Wall Street, they see that these are all bad guys, they disagree with them and they don’t like what they do and the way they operate," [Cheney] said. "They think they've got an agenda they fundamentally disagree with."

See? The protesters just think that massive corporations have different interests and goals than us ordinary folks. And anyway, so what if some companies have a little more money and political influence?

"At what point do you say, Halliburton, you’re too big now and you don't get to wield your influence?" Cheney said. "We've got to be careful, I'm always a little bit leery of conspiracy theories."

Yeah! Big corporations aren't evil. It's not like they ever benefit from things like wars perpetrated by their former leaders.

Conspiracy theorists, am I right? What're you gonna do.

Photo by Brendan Hoffman/Getty Images News/Getty Images

The BP Coffee Spill Will Be Contained by Christmas for Sure (Hopefully)

For what it's worth, the "My God! It's encroaching on my map of Louisiana!" guy in this video is one of my favorite improv performers in New York. His name is Kevin Cragg, and he performs with a team called Junior Varsity at the Magnet Theater. I'm not sure who the other people are, but I'm sure they're funny. Or, at the very least, at least nice. Probably both.

(via The Daily What)

Jon Stewart on the GOP's Support for Gang-Rape

As Jon Stewart reported on last night's Daily Show, 30 GOP Senators (that's 75% of all Republicans in the Senate for those keeping score at home) recently voted in favor of KBR and Halliburton's right to gang-rape employees. It's shocking, I know. However, it is important to keep in mind that KBR and Halliburton directed Chinatown.

The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11pm / 10c.

The Bad News: Zombies, Evil Corporations and Everyone's Still Broke

Troops Denied Water By Cheney Spawn: Did you know that you can buy a $1200 dollar watch in a combat zone? Also: did you know that US soldiers had to steal water from war profiteers? CBS reports that our boys and girls "over there" are very thirsty, and at the mercy of corporations that will, one day in the far-flung future, use human beings to smuggle murderous, chest-bursting aliens back to Earth inside of them. There is a documentary about this very thing. [cbsnews.com]

Economy Still Sucks, Move Along: Fewer Americans stopped by food court and inhaled cinnamon buns in April, the second month in a row that consumer spending has dropped. This portends poorly for a economic recovery, and even less so for economists charged with fixing the economy, most of whom have a vested interest in telling everyone that everything is going to be ducky, toot de suite. [yahoo.com]

Nobody Told Scientists Not To Create Zombies: This just can't end well. Scientists in Texas tasked with finding a way to eradicate fire ants have developed a way to turn these pests into… zombies. That's right: parasitic flies plant eggs in the brains of the ants, and then the ants wander away until their heads fall off. Amazing. Give it a decade, and this is how the US military will deal with terrorists. [chron.com]

Credit Card Companies Maxed Out: If you thought the collapse of America's powerful, and storied financial institutions was a good time, just wait until the credit card companies start to buckle under the weight of their debts. A major lender is shutting down credit to small businesses, who use credit for payroll and expenses while waiting out invoices. What does this mean to you? It means you might have to sell blood or just steal your second or third plasma tv. [bloomberg.com]