Scoring the Incredible Derp of the Friends of Hamas Saga

There are plenty of rational criticisms to be made of Chuck Hagel, including the fact that he only has one facial expression. Recently, however, rumors flew that Chuck–acting in his capacity as a professional jerkface who's hell-bent on destroying Israel–gave paid speeches to a group called "Friends of Hamas."

Which, LOL.

Today we learn that these rumors were accidentally kindled by reporter Dan Friedman, who made the mistake of attributing a sense of humor to one of his Capitol Hill sources:

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Joe the Plumber Fights for Sixteen Minutes in a War Zone

Who knew plumbers were so multitalented? Why, since we met him in October, Joe the Plumber has claimed to be starting a charity, writing a book, running for Congress and launching a country music career. Oh, he also shilled digital TV converters and equated an Obama administration with "the death of Israel."

Now we can add another fake title to Rep. Joe the Charitable Plumber Author Foreign Policy Expert Billy Ray $40 Coupon's fake credentials: Joe the War Reporter.

And since he's proven himself capable of pronouncing the word Israel, guess where he's going…

Wurzelbacher will travel to Israel to report for the conservative website, pjtv.com. He intends to get the, often lost, Israeli reason for the offensive against Hamas.

"It's tragic, I mean it really is. I don't say that in any little way. It's very tragic, but at the same time what are the Israeli people suppose to do,"  says Wurzelbacher.

What, indeed? Surely Wurzelbacher will be able to clear this pesky clog in the world's pipes; it's been backing up the Middle East for ages.

Thousands have died in the fighting. Joe knows the danger is very real, but believes his civic duty is once again calling him to do something bigger than himself. "Being a Christian I'm pretty well protected by God I believe. That's not saying he's going to stop a mortar for me, but you gotta take the chance."

Yes, you do, Joe the Christian Plumber Reporter. You do have to take that chance.

Of course, Jews and Muslims haven't been having much luck with mortars over there, but it's probably just them.

Barack Obama Does Not Have a Friend in Muammar Gaddafi

Damn! Barack Obama just can't catch a break these days.

First, the Palestinian radical Muslin group Hamas withdrew their support for his presidential campaign, and now Muammar Gaddafi — Libya's "Leader and Guide of the Revolution" and long time friend of America — is talking more shit on him than Joe Lieberman…

Libya's leader has strongly criticised US presidential candidate Barack Obama for saying Jerusalem should remain the undivided capital of Israel.

Col Muammar Gaddafi said he was either ignorant of the Middle East conflict or lying to boost his campaign…

Referring to him as "our Kenyan brother", Col Gaddafi also said Mr Obama might suffer from an inferiority complex because of his African origins.

I have to imagine that sharp criticism like that from a guy so beloved to Americans is really gonna have an impact on Obama's chances in November.

Luckily for Obama, Kim Jong-il, Ayman al-Zawahiri and that guy who pretended to have murdered JonBenet Ramsey have so far remained silent on the matter.