Nice try, Kirk Caldwell. The Honolulu mayoral candidate was in some hot poi (I hate me too) last week when photos surfaced on Instagram of his daughter and her friend burning his opponent's campaign yard sign, and then using the flaming sign to light a bong. Yea… I'm calling shenanigans on that one. If there's one thing TV has taught us about Hawaii, it's that Dog the Bounty Hunter might be a high-functioning coma patient. If there are two things it's taught us, it's that Honolulu probably has its share of people who aren't overcome with the vapors because of a bong-wielding girl destroying a campaign sign.
Woops, voters, you saw my daughter with a bong. How awful for my reputation with you surfers and head shop owners and beach performers and police who wear aloha shirts. Also, sorry my daughter destroyed a campaign yard sign, because I know everybody loves how unobtrusive and just generally aesthetically pleasing they are for all of us.
Then you saw me being a dad who had to reprimand her, but not like one of those scream monster dads that have to sit away from the bleachers at soccer games, but like one of the calm and collected dads that's more disappointed than he is angry. Those dads. Those dads pour their beer into a glass, if you know I mean. Class.
So really, Caldwell has just invented the new humble brag. Mea culpa bump? By acknowledging the muck-ups and missteps we all deal with, he’s found a way to create a relatable, more endearing public image, unlike the entirety of all campaign PR in the history of PR-ering. We look forward to the next wink-wink unfortunate news coming from Caldwell's campaign about how he apologizes for downloading season one of Game of Thrones illegally because Jesus some shows are difficult to get online.
Oh, and he also supports an overhaul of public transportation, a shift from America's embarrassingly sub-par rail system. But, you know what they say about journalism. No, not "if it bleeds it leads." The new one: "If it gets burned up and smoked in a bong, it gets endlessly linked by online news aggregators."
Photo via Kirk Caldwell's Facebook page
Previously: David Rosenfeld, "Socialist (I don't bite)"
Our friends at Dr Pepper are going to send Mr. Caldwell a one-of-a-kind t-shirt, and you get to choose its slogan:
Want a custom t-shirt of your own? Of course you do! Head to DrPepper.com and get started.
Tags: Hawaii, One of a Kind Candidates
* According to a soon-to-be-released book, teenaged Barry Obama spent his free time smoking pot amongst other activities. Just kidding. There were no other activities.
* Hey, who's that white guy next to Obama? Must be William Ayers!
* Here's an interesting new strategy: "Please, Please, Please Call Me a Racist™" Good luck with that.
* Has the DNC actually discovered a rare electable Arizona Democrat?
Tags: Arizona, Democrats, Department of Defense, Drugs, Hawaii, Leon Panetta, Marijuana, Pork Barrel, Racism, Richard Carmona, Senate, William Ayers
Arizona's Secretary of State is claiming that he might just decide to exclude President Obama's name from the election ballot in Arizona this fall, on account of how he might have been born in a foreign country.
So, you know, typical normal regular day in Arizona…
[Ken] Bennett, the state’s No. 2 elected official just below Gov. Jan Brewer (R), said his investigation isn’t personal. He said the reason he started looking into it is because he got more than 1,200 emails asking him to do so after [Sheriff Joe] Arpaio’s investigation came out.
"I'm not a birther. I believe the president was born in Hawaii — or at least I hope he was," Bennett said on the show. "But my responsibility as secretary of state is to make sure the ballots in Arizona are correct and that those people whose names are on the ballot have met the qualifications for the office they are seeking."
I totally one-hundred percent agree! We have to be absolutely certain that these people are who they say they are! And you know what? The good people of Hawaii agree as well…
Hawaii officials have forced [Bennett] to provide proof that he is who he says he is. They asked him to send them copies of the Arizona laws that prove the secretary of state really is the person in charge of handling the ballots. Admittedly, Bennett said they told him they were "tired of all the requests." But he is continuing anyway.
But now we have to ask ourselves: Are the "Hawaii officials" really officials in Hawaii? How do we know they're in the state? And what exactly is it that makes these people so official. Dictionary.com says that an official is "a person appointed or elected to an office or charged with certain duties." But how do I know that I can trust that definition? Who are these people who wrote it? And what exactly is a "dictionary." I'd look up the definition, but where?! Where?!?!
I can totally see the awful spot all this puts Ken Bennett in.
Tags: Arizona, Barack Obama, Birthers, Hawaii
Coverage continues with chief swampland political analyst Kermit the Frog after the jump.
The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30/10:30c.
Tags: Alabama, American Samoa, Hawaii, Louisiana, Mississippi, Mitt Romney, Muppets, Newt Gingrich, Primaries, Republicans, Rick Santorum, Ron Paul, Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, Video
Coverage continues as Jon Stewart's delves into the depths of cable news coverage after the jump.
The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11/10c.
Tags: Alabama, American Samoa, CNN, Fox News, Hawaii, Jon Stewart, Mississippi, Mitt Romney, MSNBC, Newt Gingrich, Primaries, Republicans, Rick Santorum, Ron Paul, The Daily Show, Video