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Hawaii
  • Mitt Romney's Son Thinks Barack Obama Is "Great"

    Matt Romney — who's been acting as a surrogate for his father in Hawaii this week — is really really not very good at this whole political campaigning thing

    Matt Romney who graciously greeted volunteers made headlines last winter when he suggested his father would provide his tax returns only after President Barack Obama released his birth certificate. A remark he attempted to smooth over, adding tonight he does not question President Obama's citizenship. "Yes, I am satisfied, absolutely," said Matt Romney…

    When asked if he believes President Obama is a Christian, Matt Romney said of course but did not elaborate. "I'm not here to talk about President Obama I think he is great. I'm here to talk about my dad and what he would bring to the country," said Matt Romney.

    "Wait, what?! So, I can't accuse the President of being a foreign-born illegitimate usurper of the nation's highest office and I can't say that he's the finest leader in the history of western civilization? C'mon, make up your minds, guys!" – Matt Romney (probably)


    Tags: Barack Obama, Birthers, Hawaii, Matt Romney, Mitt Romney, Primaries, Republicans
  • President Obama Releases Turtle Terrorists

    During his 2008 campaign, President Obama repeatedly promised to close the prison at Guantanamo Bay and make greater strides toward transparency and humane treatment of foreign detainees.

    Then he actually became president and realized what a political nightmare that would be. But it looks like he may have changed his mind, at least about the prisoners at Hawaii's Hanauma Bay

    This year, the president and his family released four green sea turtles into the bay’s clear blue water. The 18-month-old turtles were born at Sea Life Park, a nearby marine sanctuary and aquarium that boasts of being the only place in the U.S. that raises green sea turtles in captivity.

    The president and his daughters, Malia and Sasha, enjoyed their turtle experience so much that they decided to make a stop at Sea Life Park later in the day.

    With sectarian violence on the rise again in Iraq, the Taliban securing their hold over Afghanistan and Islamist groups gaining momentum throughout the Arab world, Obama's decision to release four highly dangerous sea turtle detainees is simply outrageous and a grave threat to national reptile security.

    You heard it here first: Obama is soft on turtle terrorism. Sure, the President and his daughters are giggling at all the turtle fun now, but they won't be laughing when those four radicalized sea turtles return to launch a coordinated shell attack against our military's fleet of Mario Karts.

    Photo by Kent Nishimura/Getty Images News/Getty Images


    Tags: Animals, Barack Obama, Guantanamo Bay, Hawaii, Terrorism, Vacation
  • Rick Perry Unsure if Barack Obama Is an American or a Time-Traveling Impostor

    You know it's almost Halloween when every zombie idea, from the flat tax to "birtherism," suddenly rises from a fevered sleep to infect a new set of victims. As revealed in an interview published on Sunday, the latest American to catch a mild case of birther fever is none other than the quickly-fading presidential candidate, Rick Perry…

    Governor, do you believe that President Barack Obama was born in the United States?
    I have no reason to think otherwise.

    That's not a definitive, "Yes, I believe he"—
    Well, I don't have a definitive answer, because he’s never seen my birth certificate.

    But you've seen his.
    I don't know. Have I?

    He has! The long-form version was released in April. You can buy a mug with an image of the birth certificate on it! What kind of unholy creature feasted on Perry's brain, scooping out the last vestiges of reason and common-sense from the inside of the governor's well-coiffed head?

    You don't believe what's been released?
    I don't know. I had dinner with Donald Trump the other night.

    And?
    That came up.

    And he said?
    He doesn't think it’s real.

    And you said?
    I don't have any idea. It doesn't matter. He's the President of the United States. He's elected. It's a distractive issue.

    Now, bear with me. In addition to the Certificate of Live Birth released in June 2008 and the long-form document released in April 2011, Obama's birth was reported in 1961 in the births sections of Hawaii newspapers. In a seemingly unrelated development, conservative leaders and intellectuals have argued that Obama's policies precipitated the economic collapse that occurred before Obama assumed the presidency. There are a couple of explanations for these seemingly disparate phenomena:

    One — Barack Obama is a Kenyan-born time-traveling sorcerer, who returned to the year 1961 to establish a record of his "birth" with the state of Hawaii and local newspapers, then ventured to the mid-2000s in a successful bid to undermine the housing market, before returning to the future and winning the presidency.

    Two — Some subset of people who hate Obama are demented fools who will believe anything.

    Deciding which is the more plausible explanation is an exercise for the reader, though everyone is welcome to borrow Occam's Razor.

    Photo by Scott Olson/Getty Images News/Getty Images


    Tags: Barack Obama, Birthers, Donald Trump, Hawaii, Primaries, Republicans, Rick Perry
  • Mitt Romney Just Might Have a Tea Party Problem

    I'm going to suggest something, and I know it's going to seem weird. It's going to sound like the most foreign, most unbelievable, most not-from-any-type-of-reality-we've-come-to-understand idea you've ever come up against. But here me out.

    I have a strong suspicion that Mitt "the affable moderate conservative" Romney might be revamping himself as Mitt "the hardcore Tea Party conservative" Romney in the near future. Just a hunch

    PPP surveys conducted over the weekend in Ohio and Hawaii find him with a large lead in both states.  That now makes 7 consecutive polls over the last 3 weeks – a national one and state polls in Ohio, Hawaii, Iowa, North Carolina, Nebraska, and West Virginia – that have found Cain leading the way. In Ohio Cain's at 34% to 19% for Mitt Romney… In Hawaii Cain's at 36% to 24% for Romney…

    Tea Party voters continue to be the primary driver of Cain's momentum. In Ohio he gets 46% of their support to 15% for Gingrich and 11% for Bachmann with Romney finishing all the way back in 4th place at 9%. It's a similar story in Hawaii — there Cain and Romney actually tie at 30% each among non-Tea Party Republicans.  But with the Tea Pary crowd Cain gets a whooping 52% to 12% for Bachmann and 9% for Romney.

    These numbers represent a recurring theme in our polls — Romney doesn't necessarily need to win Tea Party voters but he sure needs to not lose them by 40 points if he hopes to win the nomination.

    Gee, I wonder if Mitt Romney has the power within himself to make a complete about-face and turn himself into a totally different candidate than he was a few days earlier.  I don't know, sure doesn't seem like a Romney thing to do.

    Photo by Richard Ellis/Getty Images News/Getty Images


    Tags: Hawaii, Herman Cain, Mitt Romney, Ohio, Polls, Primaries, Republicans, Tea Party
  • The United States of Unflattering Stereotypes

    How long does it take to travel to every state in the nation and mock it right to its face? About two minutes…

    I think it's really cool that Paul Jury traveled 19,000 miles in the service of writing his book States of Confusion, but you've got to wonder if it was really necessary. If he was really interested in seeing how everybody in the country really lives, couldn't he have just gone to a Wal-Mart in a Hoveround?


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