Helen Thomas Retires Due to Monumental Yikes!

The slow creeping weight of the passing years could not destroy Helen Thomas, senior member of the White House Press Corps. Nor could an endless stream of duplicitous Press Secretaries successfully beat down her resolve. In fact, she seemed to thrive on their mendacity and grow stronger.

And yet, a simple little informal video interview took her down. That along with a remarkably stupid comment and a kind of fucked up opinion of hers…

Veteran White House reporter Helen Thomas announced Monday that she is retiring, effective immediately, in the wake of a controversy over her comments on Israel, according to a report from her employer, Hearst News Service.

Thomas told a rabbi at a White House event last week that Jews should "get the hell out of Palestine" and go back to Germany and Poland.

"I deeply regret my comments I made last week regarding the Israelis and the Palestinians," Thomas said in a statement on her Web site. "They do not reflect my heart-felt belief that peace will come to the Middle East only when all parties recognize the need for mutual respect and tolerance. May that day come soon."

You gotta feel a little bad for Thomas. This kind of thing can happen to anybody. You know, you just walk out of your house, head to toward the bus stop and run into a Zionist with a camcorder and suddenly you're spewing bizarre vaguely anti-semitic sentiments before you even know what's happening. It's happened to all of us, right? In fact, it's why my roommate had to retire from Chuck E. Cheese back during college. Well, that and he'd forgotten to wear pants that one time.

Quote Unquote: Helen Thomas on Barack Obama

Longtime White House correspondent — and admitted liberal — Helen Thomas gives her thoughts on President Obama and the job he's been doing thus far…

"He's only beginning to wake up to the power that he has to do the right thing. He should never worry about a second term. He should only understand he's got three more years to rise to the occasion."

Um, I don't want to call plagiarism, but I'm relatively certain that that's a direct quote from Harry Potter and the Cabinet of Obfuscation. (Is that the fourth or the fifth book? I always get them confused.)

This "Three Helen Thomas Moon" Picture Gets a Five-Star Rating from Me

The only thing that could maybe — maybe! — be better than this is "Four Helen Thomas Moon"…

You'll find your precious context here.

(via BuzzFeed)