* "Akron restaurant owner dies hours after meeting Obama," confirming rumors that almost certainly exist that President Obama is a sleeper agent for a secret international society of stealth assassins. And if not, those rumors will be arriving shortly.
* Barack Obama cannot exist in the same with Fox News.
* Turns out that John Philip Sousa's great-grandson is a first-class birther. Which is kind of disappointing. Until you remember that the patriotic composer was a big fan of bassoons.
* That woman who claims to have had a 13-year affair with Herman Cain wants to fill us in on all the details. We didn't even get any money out of the deal, so why should we be burdened with this?
* Get the Indecision Election Companion, our free app for iPhone and iPad, and then jump into the Peanut Gallery — our liveblog/instant reaction arena — and watch Bobby Jindal’s appearance on ABC’s This Week with us on Sunday July, 8 at 10a/9c. Will it be veepstakesy? Or the veepstakesiest?
Photo by Olivier Douliery-Pool/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Tags: ABC, Barack Obama, Birthers, Bobby Jindal, Food, Fox News, Ginger White, Herman Cain, Music, Ohio, Pork Barrel, Sex
July 4, 1776
A group of wealthy, land-owning, tax-hating residents of a collective of British colonies declare their independence from the throne by signing a document that states "that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness," thus setting the stage for the greatest Broadway musical ever written about haggling over the particulars of a non-binding document.
Tags: 4th of July, Baseball, Declaration of Independence, Founding Fathers, Germany, Herman Cain, Movies, Music, Poetry, Sports
You wanna know the problem with regular mainstream "liberal" television? There's too much anti-American unpatriotic garbage like Modern Family and Ice Road Truckers, and not nearly enough cartoons about hideous Ronald Reagan-creatures berating Barack Obama-things. Or cleverly-devised fables about freedom-loving Tyrannosaurus Rexes named "Tex." Or terrifying documentaries about insidious Mexican people from Mexico.
Thank American God, because now we have CainTV!
"They think we are stupid," Cain declares in a trailer for the channel posted online Monday. "We are not stupid."
The "they" Cain is discussing might be the "mainstream media" slammed in the new channel's description on its official Facebook page. The channel promises to feature "critical reporting” as well as "the humorous and fun side with shows comically sending up the events and news of the day," according to the page.
If this trailer is any indication, this channel should be just the thing to stop people from thinking that Cain and his people are stupid. A job well done!
CainTV is set to launch tomorrow, on July 4th, marking the second most important event ever to occur on July 4th.
Tags: Conservatives, Herman Cain, Internet, Television
After this morning's SCOTUS decision upholding the individual mandate, you could shoot the Internet with a horse tranquilizer and it still wouldn't calm down. Whether you're jumping for joy or stomping on a picture of Justice Robert's face, take a moment to laugh at these hilarious tweets…
I'm sad I'll never get the chance to experience Herman "Caincare". I bet there'd have been free penicillin shots and sexy pizza parties.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) June 28, 2012
Thinking about moving to Canada for our healthcare? My Doctor is literally a bear and she can't even remember my name.
— Dan Duvall (@lazerdoov) June 28, 2012
Tags: Barack Obama, Canada, Conservatives, Health Care, Herman Cain, Judiciary, Mitt Romney, Sarah Palin, Supreme Court
* President Obama sings "Call Me Maybe." (Spoiler alert: It's a little pitchy).
* Key & Peele meet President Obama and lose their sh*t.
* American Voices consider Herman Cain's new radio show.
* Comedian Jamie Kilstein wants to fight National Review's Jonah Goldberg.
* Coming up on your local news, will Funny or Die's coverage of gas prices kill you with laughter?
* Speaking of gas, David Crowe talks about his addiction to petroleum.
* A prospectus for Silicon Valley's next must-have IPO, from McSweeney's.
Tags: Barack Obama, Daily Links, Energy & Oil, Facebook, Funny or Die, Herman Cain, Key & Peele, National Review, Socialism, The Onion