Mike Bloomberg Asked Hillary Clinton to Run for NYC Mayor

[Madame Secretary's personal smartphone rings, from somewhere deep inside her purse. She pauses the episode of Homeland she's watching and answers.]

Hillary Clinton: Yeah.

Michael Bloomberg: Hillary, it's Mike Bloomberg.

HC: Kinda busy right now.

MB: I know. This won't take long. Hey, you like pizza? You like good pizza?

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Hillary Clinton Pimps Out Bill

Hillary Clinton is sitting on a bed in a dilapidated room wearing a wife-beater and holding her head in her hands. A broken Venetian blind lets in a spray of neon light from the street outside. Bill Clinton comes in and sits next to her, rubbing his hand up and down her back.

Hillary: Times are tough, baby. Real tough. I don't know what I'm gonna to do anymore. I got all that failed 2008 Presidential bid debt draggin' me down and I'm too tired to keep carryin' it around.

Bill: I know, Hill. I want to help, I just don't know how.

Hillary: I have an idea, but I can't begin to know how to ask you. I'm going to need you to… Well, spend time with some people and charge them money for it.

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Quote Unquote: An Exciting Time for Data

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to a number-hungry audience…

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"I think you would agree, this really is an exciting time for data."

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Could it be that Clinton is trying to lock up the nerd vote before Bobby Jindal throws his hat into the 2016 ring?

Tweet Untweet: Hillary Clinton and the Great Pumpkin

It must be frustrating for Hillary Clinton to constantly hear, "and maybe Bill could go with you to help smooth things over."

— Michelle Wolf (@michelleisawolf) November 20, 2012

Hillary Clinton Takes One for the Team

If you know anything about women, you know there's no logical explanation for anything they do. Their motives are as murky as the details of Mitt Romney's tax plan. Take Hillary Clinton, please *rim shot* (No, don't! President Obama needs her. She has a 65% approval rating).

Today our Secretary of State proved the inscrutability of the female mind by taking full responsibility for the attack on the U.S. Consulate in Benghazi. Inconceivable! Taking the blame before it was shoved upon her! Why would a seasoned diplomat do that?

Only a sorceress could divine Clinton's mysterious motives…

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