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Hubert Humphrey
  • President Hillary Clinton Will Usher in Alternate Reality, Claim Democratic Pollsters

    According to a CNN poll conducted in October, approximately 80% of Democrats say Barack Obama should be their party's presidential nominee in 2012, a higher level of support than Bill Clinton received in the runup to the 1996 elections. And though the fundamentals of the 2012 campaign are encouraging for the Republican Party, Obama leads all GOP candidates in the polls, his margin varying from 1.4% against Mitt Romney to 15% against Michele Bachmann.

    For Democratic pollsters and professional trolls Douglas Schoen and Patrick Caddell these facts lead to a simple and ineluctable conclusion, which somehow the president failed to heed the first time they proposed it: Obama must step aside in favor of letting Hillary Clinton and a merry band of bipartisan unicorns save the country

    When Harry Truman and Lyndon Johnson accepted the reality that they could not effectively govern the nation if they sought re-election to the White House, both men took the moral high ground and decided against running for a new term as president. President Obama is facing a similar reality — and he must reach the same conclusion.

    He should abandon his candidacy for re-election in favor of a clear alternative, one capable not only of saving the Democratic Party, but more important, of governing effectively and in a way that preserves the most important of the president's accomplishments. He should step aside for the one candidate who would become, by acclamation, the nominee of the Democratic Party: Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.

    Now, now. I know this sounds like crazytalk, since it's not clear if there any major public policies on which Obama and Clinton disagree, nor is there any reason to think Republicans will abandon their beliefs in the absence of a President Obama, but Schoen and Caddell do offer us some historical analogies to work with.

    Who, for example, could forget the administration of President Adlai Stevenson, the Democratic Party's standard bearer after Truman's exit from electoral politic? And we — and by we, I mean people who have never picked up a history book — will forever be grateful for how President Hubert Humphrey pulled our boys out of 'Nam with grace and dignity.

    And if a Clinton nomination can bend the space-time continuum so as to make such an electoral strategy work in the past, perhaps Republicans will  "come to the table and negotiate," because…magic. Let's just go with magic.

    Photo by Pool/Getty Images News/Getty Images

    Tags: Barack Obama, Douglas Schoen, Hillary Clinton, Hubert Humphrey, Michele Bachmann, Mitt Romney, Patrick Caddell, Polls, Republicans, Wall Street Journal
  • Same-Sexy Talk from the Minnesota House

    Over several hours of debate this week, Minnesota Rep. Steve Simon declared that an amendment to define marriage as man-woman only was an attempt to "enshrine religious beliefs" and that future generations would be ashamed of such a policy. He added that, if religiosity was a rightful bastion to which we should stick this argument, “how many gays must god create before we accept that he wants them around”?

    Many of those in attendance burst in applause at the sight of this political cryptid, also known as logic. One might in fact wonder how many committee members felt the curious mental tingling of independent thought, of wheels turning and forming new ideas, crafted not from what their ministers, fathers, or political parties told them, but from an argument presented all presto-changeo-style, right before their very eyes!

    Not many. The opposition was squashed 10-7 along party lines, so the amendment to ban same-sex marriage has advanced to the next stage. And pheee-yooo. You’d hate that the state that nurtured Hubert Humphrey — you remember, that zany Minnesota Senator-turned-Vice-President who urged the Democratic Party to end state-enforced racial segregation — to continue casting a wide net for civil rights.

    Tags: Bill of Rights, Hubert Humphrey, LGBT, Marriage Equality, Minnesota, Religion, State Legislature
  • It's the Final Countdown!


    Join former United States Senate Pages Dylan and Ethan Ris as they bring you the dish on not just the presidential race but all the exciting triumphs and disgraces inside, outside, and below the Beltway!

    The Pages will be watching with 'bated breath tonight as the returns come in from Montana and South Dakota! These are the last states to vote in the Democratic primary season, and the nomination will most likely be sealed tonight.

    In Montana, Senator Barack Obama is heavily favored to win the crucial Crow Indian vote, riding high as the newest member of the Whistling Water Clan. This, in addition to his strength in the inner-city urban core of Billings, should put him in a strong position to defeat Senator Hillary Clinton.

    Meanwhile, Clinton has her sights set on an upset in South Dakota, where Obama has been stung by his own admission that his ears may not fit on Mount Rushmore.

    For those of you wondering what all this will mean for the final outcome, the Pages have compiled a cheat-sheet of possible scenarios based on the results of tonight’s voting:

    Scenario One: Obama beats Clinton handily in both states. Clinton delivers a concession speech, and gracefully bows out of the race. On Wednesday, she and Obama appear together at a Democratic Unity rally and she offers him her endorsement.

    Scenario Two: Obama beats Clinton narrowly in both states. Clinton refuses to deliver any speech at all, but sends word of her exit from the race through surrogates. On Wednesday, she and Obama meet for coffee at a Washington, DC Starbucks and exchange strained pleasantries for 12 minutes until Obama announces that he had fun, but he really has to get going now.

    Scenario Three: Obama wins Montana and Clinton wins South Dakota. Obama calls for Clinton to exit the race, citing the need for the Democrats to focus on beating John McCain. Clinton schedules rallies in Ohio and Florida and begins interviewing running mates.

    Scenario Four: Clinton wins Montana and Obama wins South Dakota. Same scenario as above, except Sean Hannity loses a bet and has to eat his first-born child.

    Scenario Five: Clinton beats Obama in both states. All the remaining uncommitted superdelegates immediately announce their support for Clinton, throwing the outcome of the primary contest into doubt. The result is a brokered Democratic convention in Denver, where confused delegates end up nominating the late Hubert Humphrey for the presidency and Michael Moore as his running mate.

    Tags: Barack Obama, Congressional Confidential, Hillary Clinton, Hubert Humphrey, Michael Moore, Montana, Mount Rushmore, Sean Hannity, South Dakota
  • More Superdelegates for Barack Obama… Flurp de Flurp de Flurp

    Senator Barack Obama added yet another superdelegate to his supermenagerie over the weekend when Senator Amy Klobuchar from Minnesota — which Obama won handily last month — announced her support for his candidacy

    Klobuchar, a freshman Democrat, said Obama speaks "with a different voice, bringing a new perspective and inspiring a real excitement from the American people." She compared him to the late Hubert Humphrey, who served as a senator from Minnesota and as vice president.

    What exactly Klobuchar meant is open to speculation, but — in the absence of more credible information — we're forced to assume that she's referring to Obama's and Humphrey's spot-on Swedish chef impersonations. But, — in the spirit of full disclosure — I'm just a really big Swedish chef fan.

    And more good news for the Illinois senator seems to be forthcoming, as several — give or take one or two — congress people from the upcoming primary state of North Carolina are also readying their support for Obama

    One North Carolinian confirmed that at least several of the state's House members would go public in favor of Sen. Obama before long. Meanwhile, elected officials in other states with upcoming contests, including Indiana, Montana and Oregon, are weighing whether to endorse Sen. Obama.

    It's not confirmed who these representatives are or if they prefer the Swedish chef to the meep-meep laboratory assistant guy or possibly even the old dudes in the balcony (however fans of those two are widely suspected to be McCain supporters).

    Helping to drive the endorsements is a fear that the Obama-Clinton contest has grown toxic and threatens the Democratic Party's chances against Republican John McCain in the fall.

    Yeah, whatever, but we're talking about The Muppet Show here. Does anyone remember that one in which Sylvester Stallone sticks his thumb up Miss Piggy's hoohah? Or did I dream that?

    Tags: Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, House of Representatives, Hubert Humphrey, Indiana, Minnesota, Montana, North Carolina, Oregon, Senate