Islamophobia Proves to Be Big Moneymaker for Michele Bachmann

Who would have guessed that making crazy accusations about Muslims could be so profitable. And in America?!

Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minn.) said she's raised $1 million this month.

The big July fundraising number follows a controversy, in which she insinuated that the government had become compromised by agents of the Muslim Brotherhood. She specifically named Rep. Keith Ellison (D-Minn.) and State Department aide Huma Abedin.

Between her husband Marcus making a career out of preying on self-hating gay people and the congresswoman herself pulling in the big bucks by stirring up distrust and anger against against Muslims, it would seem as though the Bachmanns have really hit upon a winning strategy.

I can't wait to find out which subjugated minority groups' misery they're going to exploit for their own personal gain next. But heart says victims of wild animal attacks, but head says accused witches.

Photo by Scott Olson/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Tags: House of Representatives, Huma Abedin, Islam, Keith Ellison, Michele Bachmann, Money, Religion

Weiner! The Musical

Ben Greenman really manages to stir the emotions and touch the human spirit in this musical adaptation of this week's penis-related political scandal from McSweeney's…

[The online conversations begin to turn flirtatious.]

ANTHONY WEINER
The way you make me feel, you know
Is making my trust grow and grow

FEMALE SCREEN NAME #3
I hope you don't just mean your trust
I rubbed the keyboard on my bust

ANTHONY WEINER
Can I call you on the phone?
Can we have a kind of date?

FEMALE SCREEN NAME #4
The prospect of your voice, you know
Makes my pulse accelerate.

ANTHONY WEINER
I took my shoes off, and my shirt.

FEMALE SCREEN NAME #5
The thought of that just drenched my skirt.

[ANTHONY WEINER, taken by the charms of the FEMALE SCREEN NAMES #1-5, considers sending explicit photographs.]

ANTHONY WEINER
I have been struggling as of late
Deciding if it's right or wrong
To use these social network sites
To send a picture of your schlong.

[His TINY CONSCIENCE speaks up.]

ANTHONY WEINER'S TINY CONSCIENCE
What the hell?
Are you kidding, man?
That's your question?
That's your plan?

ANTHONY WEINER
Well, not even the schlong exposed!
But inside boxer briefs and posed
To look much larger than it is
So gasping, they'll say "Is that his?"

Continue reading.

Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Tags: Anthony Weiner, Anthony Weiner's Penis, House of Representatives, Huma Abedin, Music, New York, Scandalgate, Twitter

Anthony Weiner Sexes People Up During the Daily Show?

Alright, granted. The Daily Show and The Colbert Report are not optimal background noise for creating the proper mood during coital exercise. Though they do have that Trapped in the Closet soul singer guy from time to time. And that's not bad.

The biggest issue, I think, is that you have to make sure you finish your business well before Stephen's interview segment ends. Otherwise, you risk climaxing during something like Tosh.0. Have you seen what they put on that show? You could end up with a debilitating wizard fetish. And that's no way to live a life…

The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11/10c.

Tags: Anthony Weiner, Anthony Weiner's Penis, Bill Clinton, Brian Kilmeade, Fox, Gretchen Carlson, House of Representatives, Huma Abedin, Jon Stewart, New York, Scandalgate, Sex, The Daily Show, Tosh.0, Twitter, Video

Anthony Weiner Apologized to Bill Clinton for Penis Photo

Here, apparently, is a thing that happened in real life I suppose…

Rep. Anthony Weiner explained himself and apologized for his conduct to Bill Clinton, who officiated his wedding to wife Huma Abedin, sources familiar with the call said…

It wasn't immediately clear what was said on the call, but sources said that the Clintons — who are deeply loyal to Abedin — are distressed by the "sexting" scandal that Weiner immersed his wife in.

Is this like one of those things like with chimpanzees where only the alpha male gets to sext pictures of his penis to the female chimpanzees in the pack? If so, I guess I can kind of understand this story.

I mean, like, you don't want to be the one responsible for a former president tearing up the furniture and throwing his feces at the wall all day. I can see how that would be kind of impolitic.

Photo by Sean Gallup/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Tags: Anthony Weiner, Anthony Weiner's Penis, Bill Clinton, Huma Abedin, Scandalgate