Indiana Lawmaker: Girl Scouts Are Gay Communist Abortion-Lovers

Fresh off their Great Muppet Attack Caper, conservatives have a new kid-friendly enemy: Girl Scouts.

Sure, we all know the Girl Scouts as an organization of adorable hard-working cookie-selling girls, but did you know they're actually a shadowy cabal of left-wing lesbian abortionists?

Well, that's what one Indiana Republican claims. And it must be true because he read it on the Internet…

A Fort Wayne lawmaker has refused to sign on to a resolution celebrating the 100th anniversary of the Girl Scouts, calling the group a "radicalized organization" that supports abortion and promotes the "homosexual lifestyle."

Rep. Bob Morris, R-Fort Wayne, sent a letter to his fellow House Republicans on Saturday explaining why he would be the only member in the House not to endorse the non-binding resolution.

He said he did some web-based research and found allegations that the Girl Scouts are a tactical arm of Planned Parenthood, allows transgender females to join and encourages sex.

We all thought those little things Girl Scouts were selling were just cookies. Ha! So, so naïve. Tagalongs, those irresistible chocolate-covered disks, are filled with a delicious layer of peanut butter confection and abortion pill RU-486. And Samoas, those crunchy coconut-caramel rings you love so much? Sex toys.

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Tags: Abortion, Girl Scouts, Indiana, LGBT, Planned Parenthood, Sex, State Legislature

From the Pork Barrel: V for Poland

* Poland's opposition party outs itself as being into Alan Moore, knowing the score.

* Researchers discover that low intelligence and conservative values lead to racism and bigotry. Or, to put it another way, Rick Santorum's presidential campaign continues apace.

* Indiana really is doing its best to out-Texas Texas.

* Majority of Americans would vote out the entirety of Congress, replace with 535 of those see-saw-y water-drinking bird things.*

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^{* May not have been actual part of poll.}

Tags: Christianity, Conservatives, Education, Guy Fawkes, House of Representatives, Indiana, Intelligent Design, Nerdiness, Poland, Polls, Primaries, Republicans, Rick Santorum, Science & Technology, Senate, The Bible

The Daily Show on the State of the Union

The Best F#@king New Team Ever offers the best f#@king analysis ever of the President's SOTU address, its responses and all the reasons that we're going to die.

The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11/10c.

Tags: Al Madrigal, Barack Obama, Chuck Schumer, Indiana, Iran, Jon Stewart, Michelle Obama, Mitch Daniels, Mitt Romney, Osama bin Laden, Samantha Bee, State of the Union, Taxes, The Daily Show, Video, Wyatt Cenac

Tim Tebow's Union Asks Why Politicians Hate Workers, Football and the American Way

God is sending such confusing signals this election cycle.

Last night, Tim Tebow threw for two touchdowns and 316 NFL yards, which is approximately 3 million Angel yards. It's a clear message that we should direct our votes to Rick Perry or Rick Santorum, who could appoint the young man Secretary of Christianity and end our nation's highly clandestine — it's so secretive, not even the supposed combatants know about it — war on religion.

But then, during Sunday's debate, Perry, Santorum and Mitt Romney, all spoke — perhaps unwittingly — against the man who falls (after being betrayed by his offensive line) only to rise again…

"Right-to-work legislation makes a lot of sense for New Hampshire," said Mr. Romney, at the debate sponsored by NBC News and Facebook.

"I'm a right-to-work guy," said Mr. Perry. "I come from a right-to-work state and I will tell you, if New Hampshire wants to become a magnet for job creation in the Northeast, you pass that right-to-work legislation in this state."

Sure, it sounds like anodyne support for legislation making its way through the state capitols across the country that would undermine organized labor by allowing workers to refuse to pay dues, even when they're covered by a collective bargaining unit. Yawn. But! Right-to-work laws are also opposed by Tim Tebow's union, the National Football Players Association, a position that came to light last week when Indiana Democrats absconded from Indianapolis to prevent a vote on the measure…

We're not just a team of football players — we're also the fans at games and at home, the employees who work the concession stands and the kids who wear the jerseys of our favorite football heroes. NFL players know what it means to fight for workers' rights, better pensions and health and safety in the workplace…"Right-to-work" is a political ploy designed to destroy basic workers' rights. It’s not about jobs or rights…So-called "right-to-work" bills divide working families at a time when communities need to stand united.

Now I'm confused. Why do these candidates hate football, America and Tim Tebow so much?

Photo by Doug Pensinger/Getty Images Sports/Getty Images

Tags: Debates, Football, Indiana, Mitt Romney, New Hampshire, Rick Perry, Rick Santorum, Sports, Tim Tebow, Unions, Work/office

Indiana Lawmaker Proposes a Fine for Botching the Anthem

America's War on Its Own Anthem has a new commander-in-chief: Meet Indiana state senator Vaneta Becker, who has proposed legislation that would levy a $25 fine on anyone who violates "performance standards" for "The Star-Spangled Banner" during events sponsored by the state's public schools or universities.

The only tricky part now is defining those standards, because as everyone knows, legislating about music is like dancing about architecture…

What is and what is not "acceptable," according to Becker's bill, would be determined by the State Department of Education, with input from the Commission for Higher Education.

Becker said she would expect the guidelines to require that the national anthem be sung with the usual lyrics to the traditional melody — "the way that we normally have it sung or heard throughout most of our state and our country."

In other words, off-key and with the wrong words.

(Via the always-delightful Pat's Papers)

Photo by Ronald Martinez/Getty Images Sport/Getty Images

Tags: Indiana, Music