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International Affairs
  • Ron Paul Assaults Newt Gingrich's Valiant Lack of Military Service

    Thanks to what I can only assume were devious machinations by the Trilateral Commission — the rich, white, elitist's ACORN — Ron Paul was unable to secure a first place finish in Iowa.

    Clearly, the next logical step for the R3volution is to punch down at the candidate who secured 10,000 fewer votes than Paul…

    "You know, when Newt Gingrich was called to serve us in the 1960s during the Vietnam era, guess what he thought about danger? He chickened out on that and got deferments and didn't even go," Paul said. "Right now he sends the young kids over there and the young people come back and the ones in the military right now, they overwhelmingly support my campaign."

    Paul pointed to the number of veterans who are supporting his bid for the GOP nomination, citing their endorsement for his platform of limited American involvement overseas

    "We get twice as much support from the active military personnel than all the other candidates put together," Paul said. "So Newt Gingrich has no business talking about danger because he is putting other people in danger. Some people call that kind of a program a 'chickenhawk' and I think he falls into that category."

    On the one hand, Paul has a point: Candidates who call Paul's policy of non-interventionism "dangerous" deserve some push-back when their own platform calls for perpetual preemptive war.

    On the other hand, when America wanted its best and brightest to go to South Asia, Gingrich was exactly where America needed him to be — in graduate school, studying up for his eventual, more consequential, war with Virginia's ballot access requirements.

    Photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images News/Getty Images

    Tags: International Affairs, Newt Gingrich, Primaries, Republicans, Ron Paul
  • Kim Jong-Il Dies in Supreme, Glorious, High-Intensity Field Inspection

    There may be more rational explanations for today's news — like the fact that deaths happen in an unbroken series that we arbitrarily choose to assign into groups of three — but the most satisfying account involves Christopher Hitchens and Vaclav Havel being asked by God who they would like to complete their celebrity death trifecta.

    Because Hitchens and Havel were good human beings with a keen commitment to human rights, they picked Kim Jong-il, dictator of the Earth's largest Orwellian theme park, claymation star in Team America: World Police, and the worst person in the world

    Kim Jong-il, the North Korean leader who realized his family's dream of turning his starving country into a minor nuclear-weapons power even as the isolated nation sank further into despotism, died on Saturday of a heart attack, according to the country's state-run media. Within hours of the announcement, the South Korean news agency reported that North Korea tested an unspecified number of short-range missiles on Monday morning.

    It's getting mighty awkward in the Demilitarized Zone, which makes for the perfect opportunity to reflect on our missed chance to have John McCain and Sarah Palin in the White House. All we're getting from the White House are cautious statements about America's commitment to "stability on the Korean peninsula, and to the freedom and security of our allies." In a more humorous/terrifying world, Palin would issue statements about Kim's successor, Lil' Kim, while McCain readied the invasion forces.

    As it stands, all we can do is await the results of the all-important Pyongyang caucuses and Wonsan primaries, to see who will succeed the Ever-Victorious, Iron-Willed Commander, the Bright Sun of the 21st Century, the Glorious General, Who Descended From Heaven…

    A few hours after the announcement, the ruling Workers' Party and other state institutions released a joint statement suggesting Mr. Kim's chosen successor, his youngest son, Kim Jong-un, was in charge.

    The statement called the son "the great successor to the revolution" and "the eminent leader of the military and the people." It was the first time North Korea referred to the son as "leader" since his ailing father pulled him out of obscurity in September last year and made him a four-star general and vice chairman of the Central Military Commission of the Workers' Party.

    What, that's it?  If we're going to find a successor to the world's greatest golfer (38 under par the first time he played!), the inventor of the hamburger and Glorious Keeper of the Bouffant Haircut, we should at least offer the North Korean people a Donald Trump-moderated debate to assist them in their time of need.

    Photo by Pool/Getty Images News/Getty Images

    Tags: International Affairs, Kim Jong Il, Kim Jong-un, North Korea, South Korea
  • Rick Perry Characteristically Nuanced About Gay Rights Abroad

    Did you know it's a crime to be gay in places other than Rick Santorum's house and dog house? It's true. (Look, I'm only suggesting Rick Santorum probably wouldn't like it if his dog were gay, and he would likely come up with a way to criminalize it.)

    Anyway, it turns out President Obama plans to use foreign aid as an incentive to keep other countries from flogging and killing homosexuals for having sex in a weird way. And still-presidential-candidate Rick Perry is disturbed

    Saying he had seen news reports that the Obama administration “wants to make foreign aid decisions based on gay rights,” Mr. Perry said in a statement, “This administration’s war on traditional American values must stop.”

    Exactly. Instead of worrying about gays being persecuted overseas, Obama should focus on persecuting gays right here at home. Some ideas: 1) Publicly announce that it's not okay for them to get married. 2) Do nothing when gay troops are booed by your political base. 3) I dunno. Ask Rick Santorum?

    Photo by Darren McCollester/Getty Images News/Getty Images

    Tags: Barack Obama, International Affairs, LGBT, Rick Perry, Rick Santorum
  • Michele Bachmann Wants to Close Imaginary Embassy in Iran

    Unlike President Obama, Michele Bachmann isn’t afraid to take a hard line on Iran. That’s because she’s a fearless patriot. So fearless, in fact, she’s not even intimidated by pesky things like "facts" or "reality"…

    According to a tweet from NBC News' Jamie Novogrod, Bachmann responded to the recent raiding of the British embassy in Iran, by saying that if she was President, she would close down the U.S. embassy there.

    There's just one problem: The U.S. has not had an embassy in Iran ever since the Iranian hostage crisis, when revolutionaries from the budding Islamic state held 52 Americans for 444 days. Indeed, frustration over this helped bring down Bachmann’s bete noire Jimmy Carter by defining his presidency as weak. The two countries have not had official diplomatic relations since that time.

    You see, as a member of the House Intelligence Committee — and, apparently, the House Irony Committee — Michele Bachmann isn't just privy to classified information. She also has access to an unlimited supply of imaginary information.

    The media may scoff when Bachmann makes outrageous claims about non-existant embassies or Hezbollah-controlled Cuban missiles, but we won't be laughing when Czechoslovakia finally invades and takes over our nation's bicycle factories. Or when Mahmoud Ahmadinejad becomes Secretary-General of the UN and drowns New York City in a thick layer of hummus.

    Photo by Mark Wilson/Getty Images News/Getty Images

    Tags: International Affairs, Iran, Michele Bachmann, Primaries, Republicans
  • Recap: The CNN GOP National Security Debate

    In case you missed it, here's what happened at the CNN/American Enterprise Institute/Heritage Foundation debate, the 9,284th debate of this primary season, with at least 8,582 left to go.

    Mitt Romney: Shown here being inspected for bugs by Rick Perry, the Romneybot faltered when an attempt at lighthearted introduction went terribly wrong. What I mean to say is, Mitt Romney either does not know–or is prepared to lie about–his own name.

    Newt Gingrich: The GOP frontrunner-for-now kicked things off on a festive note, warning that "all of us will be in danger for the rest of our lives." He was talking about terrorism, but the danger of being bored to death by Newt Gingrich was clearly implied.

    Herman Cain: The ex-GOP frontrunner made the very important point that Iran has mountains, and is therefore invincible. He also addressed debate moderator Wolf Blitzer as "Blitz," which everyone LOL'd about on Twitter, but that's just the kind of independent thinker Herman Cain is.

    Rick Perry: The ex-ex-GOP frontrunner was dubbed "highly naive" by Michele Bachmann. I don't know how you recover from that.

    Michele Bachmann: Yes, she's on the House Intelligence Committee, har har. Well, guess what: she knows a lot more about Pakistan than Rick Perry does. Of course, so does Gary Johnson's neighbor's dog.

    Ron Paul: One of these days all the pressure is going to build up in Ron Paul's body until it escapes with a massive explosion, launching him high above the other candidates' heads, where he will rain copies of The Fountainhead down upon them.

    Rick Santorum: People asked Rick Santorum to say his foreign policy ideas into a microphone. This is an example of the setup being the punchline.

    Jon Huntsman: Huntsman was feeling feisty, arguing with Mitt Romney about Afghanistan and demanding, at one point, "Did you hear what I just said?" Must be all the Angry Birds he's playing.

    AND THE WINNER IS…: Blitz. Heckuva job, Blitz.

    Photo by Mark Wilson/Getty Images News/Getty Images

    Tags: CNN, Debates, Herman Cain, International Affairs, Jon Huntsman, Michele Bachmann, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Primaries, Republicans, Rick Perry, Rick Santorum, Wolf Blitzer