Scoring the Incredible Derp of the Friends of Hamas Saga

There are plenty of rational criticisms to be made of Chuck Hagel, including the fact that he only has one facial expression. Recently, however, rumors flew that Chuck–acting in his capacity as a professional jerkface who's hell-bent on destroying Israel–gave paid speeches to a group called "Friends of Hamas."

Which, LOL.

Today we learn that these rumors were accidentally kindled by reporter Dan Friedman, who made the mistake of attributing a sense of humor to one of his Capitol Hill sources:

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America's Least-Googled Presidents

As every pedant knows, today is Presidents' Day, not President's Day. In other words, we have mattress sales in honor of  all our chief executives, not just the good or famous ones.

Today, we even honor the presidents too obscure to be Googled by schoolchildren forced to learn American history:

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Ron Paul Sends Black Helicopters After RonPaul.com

On May 1, 2008, a group of Ron Paul supporters launched RonPaul.com, a website dedicated to promoting Ron Paul's political ambitions and, in the spirit of the free market, making a few doubloons for the site's proprietors.

It was a lot like Ron Paul's newsletters, except with 100% fewer predictions of race riots and 50% more fawning over the good doctor's foreign policy views.

But as of last week, there is trouble in anarcho-capitalist paradise.

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George W. Bush: A Portrait of the Artist

Sometimes things that aren't meant for public consumption can't be kept secret, like torture memos or the real reason we went to war with Iraq. Also on that list are George W. Bush's most recent paintings, which are making the internet rounds thanks to a hacker who broke into various Bush family members' email accounts.

The paintings are notable because, aside from being a cheerleader, Dubya never really struck anyone as the "artistic type." What's more, the simple but well-composed images depict him in the bathtub and shower. As always, everyone is a critic on the internet.

That can't be George W. Bush's painting. Where's the rubber ducky in the tub?

— Tom Keiser (@keisertroll) February 8, 2013

The quality of George Bush's art discourages me from picking up painting again.

— Kyle Hummel (@kylehummel) February 8, 2013

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The Internet Tries to "Help" Women Who "Just Don't Understand Football"

With Super Bowl XLVII just a few days away, thousands–nay, millions–of American women are panicking, because they don't understand football, and if they don't understand football, their men will leave them. Or cheat on them. Or both.

This is the only logical conclusion that can be drawn from the internet, which contains a wealth of content aimed at–or complaining about–the boob-havers who walk among us, shamelessly displaying their ignorance of end zones and field goals.

A sampling:

Ladies, what the guys won't tell you is that the National Football League (NFL) has more drama and gossip than any episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta! They love, love, love gossiping about football, and there is a lot to gossip about.
Girlfriend, Are You Ready for Some Football? (oprah.com)

Impossible. No silly Ball League can generate more drama and gossip than Te'Keela and Marilol and Corvette and, um, Samantha. (Is one of them named Samantha?)

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