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Iowa Caucus
  • Newt Gingrich Just Wants to Watch the World Burn

    How's this for a master narrative of the GOP primaries so far? Newt Gingrich, our handsome, square-jawed hero, claws his way to the top of the Republican field using bold conservative ideas that are also insane. Finally he confronts his arch nemesis, the flip-flopping New England aristocrat Mitt Romney.

    Then Romney — with a blitz of negative advertising that may well have been funded by his second job as a Brooks Brothers model — knocks Gingrich down to fourth place. At which point our handsome hero morphs into a paunchy, large-jowled curmudgeon who will stop at nothing to destroy his meddlesome rival, even if it means the end of the GOP as we know it

    In a bitter and spiteful concession speech last night in Iowa… the former House speaker, who finished fourth, signaled a shift in his mission. He would no longer be running to obtain the Republican presidential nomination; he would be campaigning to obliterate Mitt Romney. He would be Sherman; the former Massachusetts governor would be Georgia.

    For those unfamiliar, William Tecumseh Sherman was a Union general in the Civil War who basically destroyed all of Georgia and who maybe played the fiddle while it burned, but I could be thinking of Nero. Also, Sherman was drunk a lot.

    So, what does it mean to have Gingrich as the GOP's very own liquored-up, maniacal warmonger bent on the total destruction of his nemesis, no matter the collateral damage done to his party?

    God only knows. So our best bet might be to ask this guy.

    Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images News/Getty Images

    Tags: Iowa, Iowa Caucus, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Primaries, Republicans
  • Woman in Charge of Iowa Results Fell Asleep

    It was a late night yesterday for the nation’s politicos. At around 2 a.m., Mitt Romney was finally declared the winner of the Iowa caucuses by a record-breaking eight votes.

    What was the hold-up? The woman with the results fell asleep

    As Iowa caucus watchers entered the wee hours, waiting to see whether Rick Santorum or Mitt Romney would win, the woman with the answers was fast asleep. Edith Pfeffer, the Republican chairwoman in Clinton County, held the crucial votes from the 2nd Ward's second precinct that would ultimately determine the winner.

    But at 1:30 a.m., Pfeffer had retired to sleep in a room without a phone. She couldn’t hear the calls from the Romney campaign, CNN, or her friend Carolyn Tallett, who soon came to ring her doorbell and pound on her windows.

    There are several possible explanations for why Pfeffer might have napped on the job:

    She read one of Newt Gingrich's books.

    She listened to Mitt Romney speak for more than two seconds.

    She was actually following the election.

    Photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images News/Getty Images

    Tags: Iowa, Iowa Caucus, Primaries, Republicans
  • Michele Bachmann Calls It Quits

    It's been just about a year since God got on the horn with Michele Bachmann and told her that He wanted her to run for president.

    I guess He was watching the Iowa results roll in last night with the rest of us, because it seems like He called her back this morning to tell her never mind

    Rep. Michele Bachmann is suspending her presidential campaign, said a senior Republican official with direct knowledge of the lawmaker’s plans. The official, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said the Minnesota lawmaker, a favorite of the tea party wing of the party and a harsh critic of President Obama, realized after her sixth-place finish in Iowa’s caucuses that "there was no viable way forward." By suspending her campaign, Bachmann is effectively dropping out.

    But… but… but… With Rick Perry — whom, I believe, God also advised to run — out of the race, now she would have been in fifth place! She jumped a whole place overnight. That's a huge surge for just a few hours.

    So, what now? She's just gonna go back to Congress? And hang out with the rest of those losers? Oh God, can you imagine the smell in that room? Not to mention the noises Joe Barton makes when he eats. How can she subject herself to such conditions after all this?

    Photo by Steve Pope/Getty Images News/Getty Images

    Tags: House of Representatives, Iowa, Iowa Caucus, Michele Bachmann, Primaries, Republicans
  • Iowa Caucuses Produce Tight, Messy Three-Way

    Mitt Romney squeezed past Rick Santorum, winning the Iowa Caucuses by 30,015 to 30,007 according to the Iowa State Republican Party — or half a Dugger family — but there were other insights to be gleaned from the results and the analysis provided by our future overlords, the CNN holograms:

    * Maybe Rick Santorum's sweater vests do have magical powers! Though it's still a little odd that a man of Santorum's profound pro-life convictions would wear an article of clothing that is the late-term abortion of the sweater world.

    * Ron Paul, who took 3rd place and 21% of the overall vote, won 48% of the vote among Iowans under the age of 27. Either the kids these days are ironically into vintage racist drivel or it's really easy to convince people we don't need central banking when they don't know what a central bank is.

    * Frankly, Newt Gingrich's 16,251 votes were only enough for 4th place. Historically speaking, that's where Bill Clinton finished in the 1992 Democratic Iowa Caucus. Fundamentally, there's still time for Newtmentum!

    * Remember when Rick Perry compared himself to Tim Tebow? He was totally like Tim Tebow! And after coming in 5th, he's going back to Texas with his boots, Freedom Drop and Liberty Out, to "reassess" his candidacy.

    * Michele Bachmann received 6,073 votes and has cancelled a planned trip to South Carolina. Is she dropping out to spend more time with her crazy or, since Romney, Santorum, or Paul are locked in near-tie for first, will she celebrate her 3-way tie for second?

    * Jon Huntsman won by finishing 7th, because nothing about the primary process makes any sense.

    On to New Hampshire!

    Photo by Win McNamee/Getty Images News/Getty Images

    Tags: Iowa, Iowa Caucus, Jon Huntsman, Michele Bachmann, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Primaries, Republicans, Rick Perry, Rick Santorum, Ron Paul