There's a lot out there to be afraid of. Like Barack Obama singing Al Green's "Let's Stay Together," which not only bodes well for his re-election prospects among voters who haven't completely died on the inside, but which also reminds a certain blogger of Bruce Willis' first scene in Pulp Fiction, which, all things considered, was too scary a movie for that certain blogger at such a young age — seriously, what was up with the Gimp? Also dolphins are helping us fight Iran and the United Nations is full of cocaine. Be afraid!
The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30/10:30c.
Tags: Animals, Barack Obama, Cocaine, Drugs, Iran, Music, Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, United Nations, Video
The Best F#@king New Team Ever offers the best f#@king analysis ever of the President's SOTU address, its responses and all the reasons that we're going to die.
The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11/10c.
Tags: Al Madrigal, Barack Obama, Chuck Schumer, Indiana, Iran, Jon Stewart, Michelle Obama, Mitch Daniels, Mitt Romney, Osama bin Laden, Samantha Bee, State of the Union, Taxes, The Daily Show, Video, Wyatt Cenac
The primary process features a complicated interplay between the maneuvering of party elites and voting by rank-and-file party members.
There are actual primaries and caucuses, in which delegates are allocated. There's the "invisible primary," in which presidential contenders' fights for prominent endorsements and the support of various interest groups and state party leaders. And then there's the mustache primary, in which candidates compete for the support of former UN Ambassador John Bolton's facial hair…
"Of all the candidates, Mitt Romney possesses the strongest vision for America's leadership role in the world, and I am proud to endorse him," Ambassador Bolton said. "President Obama has sapped America's credibility abroad, weakened our military and failed to lead on issues vital to U.S. national security. President Obama has left America exposed to ever increasing threats. Mitt Romney will restore our military, repair relations with our closest allies, and ensure that no adversary — including Iran — ever questions American resolve."
Those are strong words, John Bolton's mustache. But can it explain exactly what makes President Obama such a sissy?
So I think this is going to a very, very difficult year and I think, honestly, that half-measures like assassinations or sanctions are only going to produce the crisis more quickly. The better way to prevent Iran from getting nuclear weapons is to attack its nuclear weapons program directly, break their control over the nuclear fuel cycle.
Okay, but if this is the direction Mitt Romney is taking his foreign policy, then appointing John Bolton to a position of authority is itself a half-measure. Why go with Bolton when you can have Secretary of Defense Jerry Bruckheimer?
That's why Bolton's mustache is hedging its bets, suggesting a willingness to serve in a Ron Paul Department of Defense (a pretty good sign that Bolton's mustache has metastasized into the portion of Bolton's brain responsible for recognizing the candidates' foreign policy views), even as it implicitly reject Newt Gingrich's offer to serve as Secretary of State. Even 'staches have standards.
Photo by Stephen Chernin/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Tags: Barack Obama, Foreign Policy, Iran, John Bolton, Mitt Romney, Primaries, Republicans, Ron Paul