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It DO Mean a Thing
  • It DO Mean a Thing!: Swing State Profiles – New Mexico

    As we push toward November 4, it's time to focus on our nation's Swing States (i.e. the ones who will pick a president for the rest of us based on whoever's negative ad they saw last.) So tough toodles, Texas. Nous sommes désolés, Massachusetts. Let's investigate a state that matters for a change…

    New Mexico's Key Players

    * Governor Bill Richardson: Is strongly backing Obama in the hopes that he'll appoint him to the Kansas City Athletics' roster.

    * Aging political patriarch Stew Udall: Has legally adopted Obama in the hopes of having his family dominate all of Washington.

    * The Weekly World News Space Alien: Its recent endorsement of McCain has tipped the balance for Roswell swing voters.

    Obama's Constituency

    * New-age hippies in Santa Fe, whose needed support famously brought Joe Biden onto the ticket.

    * Transplants from Arizona, who moved in search of better Senate representation.

    * Gay chili farmers.

    McCain's Constituency

    * Residents of Taos, who believe their city's name would be ideal for Sarah Palin's next child.

    * Minutemen desperate to seal the state's southern border against Mexicans and its northern border against deranged Colorado Rep. Tom Tancredo, who would very much like to join them.

    * Manhattan Project scientists in Los Alamos, who applaud McCain's a) zeal for nuclear power and b) overall 1940s approach to foreign policy.

    Predicted Winner: Obama
    George W. Bush won New Mexico by 5,988 votes in 2004. But counteracting that is analysts' belief that Obama's recent endorsement from actress Fran Drescher is worth at least 6,000 votes statewide. This one's all wrapped up.

    Check out more Swing State Profiles here!


    Tags: Barack Obama, It DO Mean a Thing, John McCain, New Mexico
  • It DO Mean a Thing!: Swing State Profiles – Montana

    As we push toward November 4, it's time to focus on our nation's Swing States (i.e. the ones who will pick a president for the rest of us based on whoever's negative ad they saw last.) So tough toodles, Texas. Nous sommes désolés, Massachusetts. Let's investigate a state that matters for a change…

    Montana's Key Players

    * Governor Brian Schweitzer: Has done for bolo ties what Jackie Kennedy did for pillbox hats.

    * Senator Jon Tester: Has done for cutting your hair with a lawn tractor what Jackie Kennedy did for going to a stylist.

    * Former Senator Conrad Burns: Although he lost his seat in 2004, he can still influence the voters he greets at the entrance to the Butte Wal-Mart.

    Obama's Constituency

    * Gay cowhands working up on the old Brokaw ranch.

    * Extras on the set of "A River Runs Through It 2: The College Years."

    * The African-American population, which will be voting absentee due to a business meeting he's attending in Milwaukee.

    McCain's Constituency

    * Residents insisting on stepped-up border security to protect against Canadians who swore to move to the U.S. if Prime Minister Stephen Harper was reelected.

    * Salmon grateful for Sarah Palin's anti-bear executive record.

    * Exurb commuter families who got priced out of North Dakota.

    Predicted Winner: McCain
    Ever the wily veteran, McCain won't repeat the same mistakes his commanding officer made at Little Bighorn.

    Check out more Swing State Profiles here!


    Tags: Barack Obama, It DO Mean a Thing, John McCain, Montana
  • It DO Mean a Thing!: Swing State Profiles – West Virginia

    As we push toward November 4, it's time to focus on our nation's Swing States (i.e. the ones who will pick a president for the rest of us based on whoever's negative ad they saw last.) So tough toodles, Texas. Nous sommes désolés, Massachusetts. Let's investigate a state that matters for a change…

    West Virginia's Key Players

    * John Brown: His 1859 abolitionist raid on Harper's Ferry set a course to the day that a young black Senator named Barack Obama could be criticized for eating arugula.

    * Former WVU football coach Rich Rodriguez: As the hands-down most hated man in the state, he has the ability to destroy either candidate with a single endorsement.

    * Sen. Jay Rockefeller: If that name sounds familiar, well, it is. Rockefeller's uncle is — get ready to slap your forehead — the man who directly preceded Malcolm Wilson as governor of New York.

    Obama's Constituency

    * Ku Klux Klansmen moved by Sen. Robert Byrd's recent endorsement.

    * The nation's highest concentration of toothless people, who have reason to come around on socialist dental care.

    * Gay Jews.

    McCain's Constituency

    * Coal miners making over $250,000 per year.

    * Single-issue voters who only want the candidates' positions on eliminating varmints.

    * Libertarians who are proud that local government has finally stopped regulating the state's roadkill eaters.

    Predicted Winner: McCain
    Obama lost the state's primary to Hillary Clinton by 41 percentage points. And in the time since that contest, he has become a socialist, joined Paris Hilton's entourage and gay married Bill Ayers. The odds are stacked against him.

    Check out more Swing State Profiles here!


    Tags: Barack Obama, It DO Mean a Thing, John McCain, West Virginia
  • It DO Mean a Thing!: Swing State Profiles – Minnesota

    As we push toward November 4, it's time to focus on our nation's Swing States (i.e. the ones who will pick a president for the rest of us based on whoever's negative ad they saw last.) So tough toodles, Texas. Nous sommes désolés, Massachusetts. Let's investigate a state that matters for a change…

    Minnesota's Key Players

    * Former Vice President Walter "Fritz" Mondale: Has challenged McCain to a dodder-off.

    * Former Governor Jesse "The Body" Ventura: No longer the local powerhouse he once was, Ventura nevertheless holds great sway with "brown-skinned" voters in Mexico.

    * Governor Tim Pawlenty, who was about to be the Republican vice presidential nominee until McCain realized he had never won a beauty pageant.

    Obama's Constituency

    * People who think Garrison Keillor is an erudite, charming entertainer.

    * Supporters of Senate candidate Al "Stuart Smalley" Franken: The cross-continental journey of Obama's father is a vivid metaphor for their own candidate's carpetbagging.

    * Farmer-Laborers.

    McCain's Constituency

    * People who think Garrison Keillor is an insufferable shit.

    * Mall of America Mall Stars.

    * Leftover stragglers from Ron Paul's RonStock '08.

    Predicted Winner: Obama
    Although McCain had high hopes for capturing this routinely-blue state, he killed his chances with vocal support for the Iraq War, along with his insistence that Minnesota be sold to China to finance a new troop surge.

    Check out more Swing State Profiles here!


    Tags: Barack Obama, It DO Mean a Thing, John McCain, Minnesota
  • It DO Mean a Thing!: Swing State Profiles – Indiana

    As we push toward November 4, it's time to focus on our nation's Swing States (i.e. the ones who will pick a president for the rest of us based on whoever's negative ad they saw last.) So tough toodles, Texas. Nous sommes désolés, Massachusetts. Let's investigate a state that matters for a change…

    Indiana's Key Players

    * Former Vice President Dan Quayle: While Hillary Clinton and Geraldine Ferraro broke the women's glass ceiling for Sarah Palin, Quayle broke the equally important one for unqualified idiots.

    * Rocker John Mellencamp, who has suspended his normal pro-Democratic campaigning in order to strum some classic tunes at John Edwards' child support hearing.

    * Senator Evan Bayh: When it comes to the vice presidency, he's been bypassed more times than Dick's Cheney's heart.

    Obama's Constituency

    * Faculty at Purdue and Notre Dame who outed themselves as radical Marxists by becoming professors.

    * Crossover Republicans profiled in a New York Times article that won the Pulitzer Prize for Imaginary Journalism.

    * Gary.

    McCain's Constituency

    * People who willingly choose to identify as "Hoosiers."

    * Indianans who proudly fly the Confederate flag despite the fact that their state is in the North and fought for the Union in the Civil War.

    * Folks who prefer their basketball players lanky, clad in knee-high socks, and snow white.

    Predicted Winner: McCain
    Indiana is considered emblematic of America, as it incorporates the worst of its surrounding states: The economic hardship of Michigan, the crime of urban Illinois, the intellectual vacuum of Ohio, and the moonshine-swilling backwardness of Kentucky. Therefore, it has no choice but to vote for the Pro-America ticket.

    Check out more Swing State Profiles here!


    Tags: Barack Obama, Indiana, It DO Mean a Thing, John McCain