Latest Posts
-
It DO Mean a Thing!: Swing State Profiles – North Dakota
As we push toward November 4, it's time to focus on our nation's Swing States (i.e. the ones who will pick a president for the rest of us based on whoever's negative ad they saw last.) So tough toodles, Texas. Nous sommes désolés, Massachusetts. Let's investigate a state that matters for a change…North Dakota's Key Players
* Senator Kent Conrad, who somehow remains incredibly popular with voters despite the Fox News exposé that his real first name is Gaylord.
* Governor John Hoeven, known as "the Charlemagne of North Dakota."
* Sacagawea, a proud North Dakotan who started the grand tradition of getting the hell out of North Dakota, leaving the state with only seven voters.
Obama's Constituency
* ACORN-registered first-time voters from inner-city Bismarck.
* The state's proud Socialist community, which is thrilled about Obama's recently revealed Marxism.
* Die-hard Coen Brothers fans who moved to Fargo following the 1996 hit film of the same name.
McCain's Constituency
* That scary youth preacher from Jesus Camp.
* Enough Palin-crazed Hockey Moms to fill "The Ralph," the state's largest venue.
* Staff at the Dakota Dinosaur Museum, who would be thrilled if one of their exhibits was elected president.
Predicted Winner: McCain
Both candidates have avoided the state for fear of having to eat the disgusting local cuisine while cameras roll. But without personal connections, Obama is still too foreign to an electorate that usually votes Republican.Check out more Swing State profiles here!
Tags: Barack Obama, It DO Mean a Thing, John McCain, North Dakota -
It DO Mean a Thing!: Swing State Profiles – Colorado
As we push toward November 4, it's time to focus on our nation's Swing States (i.e. the ones who will pick a president for the rest of us based on whoever's negative ad they saw last.) So tough toodles, Texas. Nous sommes désolés, Massachusetts. Let's investigate a state that matters for a change…Colorado's Key Players
* Pete Coors: His failed 2004 Senate campaign did for the state Republican Party what his namesake company did for beer.
* The Rev. Ted Haggard: Registered with the Republican Party using a Colorado Springs address and with the Hypocritical Meth-Fueled Gay Sex With A Prostitute Party using a Denver hotel address.
* Trey Parker and Matt Stone: The local creators of South Park claim that elections always come down to a Giant Douche and a Turd Sandwich… but that's only because their party nominated Bob Barr.
Obama's Constituency
* Denver residents who are so smitten with Mayor John Hickenlooper that they've vowed to only support candidates with goofy names.
* The local Styrofoam Greek pillar industry, which had a record sales month during the Democratic National Convention.
* Rep. Tom Tancredo: Despite being a conservative Republican, he has to admire Obama for not having been to Mexico in over 25 years.
McCain's Constituency
* Constituents of Rep. Marilyn Musgrave who are willing to vote for McCain despite his lack of a KKK endorsement.
* John Elway: Endorsed McCain after realizing their shared affinity for cheerleaders.
* Focus on the Family: The Colorado Springs-based ministry's prophetic visions of an Obama presidency include The Gays infiltrating the Boy Scouts, a health pandemic, and mass terrorism on U.S. soil… but at least it gets them that much closer to the End of Days!
Predicted Winner: Obama
Considering that nearly the entire state turned out for Obama's record-setting rally in Denver last Sunday, McCain would have to smuggle half the Utah electorate over the border just to stand a chance.Check out more Swing State Profiles here!
Tags: Barack Obama, Colorado, It DO Mean a Thing, John McCain -
It DO Mean a Thing!: Swing State Profiles – North Carolina
As we push toward November 4, it's time to focus on our nation's Swing States (i.e. the ones who will pick a president for the rest of us based on whoever's negative ad they saw last.) So tough toodles, Texas. Nous sommes desoles, Massachusetts. Let's investigate a state that matters for a change…North Carolina's Key Players
* Former Senator John Edwards: Was talked up as a potential Obama running-mate, given that Americans prefer their Democrats Southern, smooth-talking, and unfaithful to their wives.
* Former NBA star Michael Jordan, who decided to make an endorsement after it was revealed that Republicans no longer wear sneakers.
* Deceased Republican Senator Jesse Helms: His will states that if North Carolina ever votes for a black man, his body is to be exhumed and reburied in the Soviet Union.
Obama's Constituency
* Gay tobacco farmers.
* The N.C. State Wolfpack, who fear Sarah Palin's wrath.
* Liberals who "hate real Americans that work and accomplish and achieve and believe in God."
McCain's Constituency
* Proud Asheville residents who are pretty sure that one of McCain's seven homes is in their town.
* Senator Elizabeth Dole, who registered to vote in North Carolina during her two-week vacation to the state in 2006.
* Racists.
Predicted Winner: John McCain
When NASCAR speaks, North Carolina listens.
Check out more Swing State profiles here!
Tags: Barack Obama, Elizabeth Dole, It DO Mean a Thing, Jesse Helms, John Edwards, John McCain, North Carolina -
It DO Mean a Thing!: Swing State Profiles – New Hampshire
As we push toward November 4, it's time to focus on our nation's Swing States (i.e. the ones who will pick a president for the rest of us based on whoever's negative ad they saw last.) So tough toodles, Texas. Nous sommes désolés, Massachusetts. Let's investigate a state that matters for a change…New Hampshire's Key Players
* Senator Judd Gregg: He would have donated heavily to McCain, but he had to pay the ransom on his kidnapped wife.
* Recluse novelist J.D. Salinger: His notorious interview policy provided inspiration to Sarah Palin's handlers.
* Geriatric Congressional candidate Doris "Granny D" Haddock: At 98, she's the only person in New Hampshire older than John McCain. Unfortunately for him, she's also a Democrat.
Obama's Constituency
* Gay snow plow operators.
* TV president Josiah Bartlet, who advised Obama via fan fiction printed in Maureen Dowd's New York Times column.
* Musically tasteful Vermonters fleeing the Phish revival in their home state.
McCain's Constituency
* Militants who'd like Sarah Palin to keep an eye on Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper when he enters their airspace.
* McCain personal bitch Joe Lieberman, who, as far as we know, is still registered in New Hampshire following a 2004 political stunt.
* Democratic primary voters who switched at the last minute to Hillary Clinton, and will similarly go for McCain after he is filmed weeping at a local diner.
Predicted Winner: Obama
Due to New Hampshire's abiding fondness for its icon, the "Old Man of the Mountain," McCain was initially favored to win the state's four electoral votes. However, since the rock formation recently collapsed, we're now calling New Hampshire for Obama — in a landslide.Check out more Swing State Profiles here!
Tags: Barack Obama, It DO Mean a Thing, John McCain, New Hampshire -
It DO Mean a Thing!: Swing State Profiles – Ohio
As we push toward November 4, it's time to focus on our nation's Swing States (i.e. the ones who will pick a president for the rest of us based on whoever's negative ad they saw last.) So tough toodles, Texas. Nous sommes désolés, Massachusetts. Let’s investigate a state that matters for a change…Ohio's Key Players
* J. Kenneth Blackwell: Like Obama, this Republican former-Ohio Secretary of State is the highest-profile African-American in his party.
* The ghost of Cincinnati Reds owner and famed racist Marge Schott: Has announced plans to haunt touch screen voting machines in minority neighborhoods.
* Joe the Plumber: Even though McCain has never met this Holland, OH man, he seems ready to name him to his administration. Sound familiar?
Obama's Constituency
* Plumbers making under $250,000 per year.
* Former Edwards supporters camping out for John Mellencamp's induction into Cleveland's Rock & Roll Hall of Fame.
* The entire starting lineup of the Dallas Cowboys, who were kindly registered by ACORN in recent weeks.
McCain's Constituency
* Plumbers making over $250,000 per year.
* U.S. Rep. Dennis Kucinich: Although he is a liberal Democrat, he is also so desperate for attention that he's liable to endorse McCain.
* Former Governor Bob Taft: As the owner of the lowest approval rating in American history, he will be casting his McCain ballot absentee from the island of Elba.
Predicted Winner: McCain
Local election vendor Diebold Systems, Inc. was accused of fraud in 2004 by re-routing touch screen votes to George W. Bush. This year they plan to take a much more direct route by simply dropping a voting machine on Barack Obama.Check out more Swing State Profiles here!
Tags: Barack Obama, It DO Mean a Thing, John McCain, Ohio
