Latest Posts

  • John Kerry Is Boring in Every Language

    John KerrySecretary of State John "Human Ambien" Kerry's facility with French is well-known, even if he keeps his cunning linguistics hidden when he's on American soil.

    But did you know he spoke German?

    Kerry: [in German] Very good, thank you. All is well. Your shoes are fantastic, yes? [...] No, no, I can only speak a little German. But I would say, it is wonderful to be back herein Berlin. Thank you. And now I will speak in English because it's easier. [end of German]

    And Italian?

    Kerry thanked Prime Minister Mario Monti in Italian for his "spirit of friendship."

    And Norwegian!?

    [Kerry] won praise from his Norwegian counterpart Espen Barth Eide, who said after talks at the State Department that Kerry "can even speak quite impressively Norwegian phrases."

    Eide added, "Secretary Kerry made a very good poi– Zzzzzzzzzzzz…"

    Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images News/Getty Images

    Tags: France, Germany, Italy, John Kerry, Norway, Secretary of State
  • Silvio Berlusconi Gets Four Years for Regular Rich Guy Behavior

    I was not even aware that courts were allowed to find billionaire politicians guilty of stuff. Isn't that against The Four Seasons Hotel des Bergues Geneva Penthouse Suite Code?

    Former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi was sentenced to four years in jail on Friday for tax fraud in connection with the purchase of broadcasting rights by his Mediaset television company.

    The 76-year-old billionaire, who was convicted three times during the 1990s in the first degree before being cleared by higher courts, has the right to appeal the ruling two more times before the sentence becomes definitive. He will not be jailed unless he loses the final appeal.

    Kind of ironic that the insanely rich Silvio Berlusconi has been sentenced to four years in the big house for not wanting to pay any taxes just as it's looking like the insanely rich Mitt Romney might get sentenced to four years in the White House for not wanting to pay any taxes. Tough days for plutocrats, huh?

    I wouldn't worry too much. Seems very doubtful that either guy will serve a day.

    Photo by Filippo Monteforte/AFP/Getty Images

    Tags: Crime, Italy, Mitt Romney, Money, Silvio Berlusconi, Taxes
  • Barack Obama Has a 75 Percent Approval Rating (with Foreigners Who Don't Matter Because They're Foreigners)

    In a different country that was not like America at all in any way shape or form, news that your President was highly regarded in the rest of the world might be viewed as a good thing.

    But that's why countries like those are not to be trusted

    A survey on European and American attitudes toward each other — released by Transatlantic Trends, a D.C.-based think tank — found that 75 percent of those surveyed in 12 European Union countries approved of Obama on international affairs, while the same survey found only 54 percent of U.S. citizens would say the same thing…

    The think tank found Obama's approval rating on international politics to be highest in Western Europe countries like Portugal (82 percent), the Netherlands (81 percent), Germany (81 percent), and Italy (79 percent)–nations that strongly opposed the War in Iraq and for which Obama offers a stark contrast to that war's president, George W. Bush.. The lowest ratings in the EU came from Eastern and Central European republics like Slovakia (58 percent), Bulgaria (63 percent), and Poland (65 percent), former Warsaw Bloc nations leery of Obama's opening of relations with Russia.

    If Barack Obama is so popular with those European people, why doesn't he just go be President of Europistan or whatever that country's called?

    Photo by Dominic Lipinski-WPA Pool/Getty Images News/Getty Images

    Tags: Barack Obama, Europe, Germany, Italy, Poland, Polls, Portugal, Russia
  • Berlusconi to Face Very Sexy Trial

    Italy's #1 boyfriend, Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, has fallen victim yet again to the evil haterati! These Italian officials, who seem to have forgotten that they live in the naughtiest country on Earth, insist on forcing our dashing hero to stand trial on some silly trumped-up charge

    An Italian judge has ordered Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi to stand trial in April on a charge that he paid an underage girl for sex, though there seemed no immediate risk the scandal would force him from office… Berlusconi has denied doing anything illegal in the case and says he has been targeted by politically motivated judges backed by the left who are determined to bring him down.

    And surely he has a perfectly sensible reason for having called the cops to intervene on then-17-year-old Karima "Ruby" el Mahroug's behalf when she later got popped for shoplifting…

    He says he has never paid for sex and says that when he telephoned the Milan police station it was because he believed el Mahroug to be the granddaughter of Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak and he wanted to avoid a diplomatic incident.

    Thank God Silvio Berlusconi — who is obviously telling the complete truth — called the Milan police station to intervene! Otherwise, Hosni Mubarak would really be fucked. Instead, he's doing just fine and… Oh, wait.

    Maybe Silvio and Hosni ought to book a one-way ticket to the same distant resort island, where they can peacefully have crazy sex parties/wield complete and brutal authority over everything.


    Note from Dennis: Check out Sara discussing Valentine's Day, Joe Biden, Justin Bieber and the birthers on Russian Television.

    Tags: Hosni Mubarak, Italy, Prostitution, Sex, Silvio Berlusconi
  • Evil Anti-Hooker Forces Persecute Berlusconi

    Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi of Italy is easily the best EU leader to invite to a party. Unlike Sarkozy, who would just spend all his time talking about sex with his hot wife (booooo-ring), Berlusconi would show up with a nice Montepulciano and proceed to regale you with tales of hot group sex parties with PROFESSIONAL SEX LADIES! You know, allegedly. And now he's under investigation for these alleged activities, just because some of them allegedly took place with a teenage hooker.

    Oh, and he allegedly used all his fancy connections to get her out of jail when she got popped for stealing…

    Silvio Berlusconi has been formally placed under investigation on suspicion of paying for sex with a 17-year old girl, according to a statement issued today by prosecutors in Milan.

    He was further accused of abusing his position as Italy's prime minister by bringing pressure to bear on the police to cover up his alleged relationship with the girl, who was working as a prostitute. The two alleged offences carry sentences totalling 15 years in jail.

    This particular report comes to us via the Guardian, a British paper that is full of silly British spellings and is therefore entirely untrustworthy. Let's consult a source from some other country to see if this isn't all just a giant limey lie. Tell us what's up, MSNBC and the Associated Press

    The girl said in newspaper interviews that she had been at the premier's villa and that she lied about being over 18. She denied having sex with the premier.

    The girl has in the meantime turned 18.

    So, she was at his villa. So freakin' what? She was probably just there to tell him about the concerns of young, sexy teenage ladies. And even she says they didn't bonk. Plus, she's totally legal now. In conclusion, Silvio Berlusconi is a saint and a role model and should be beatified just like John Paul II.

    Tags: Crime, Italy, Nicolas Sarkozy, Sex, Silvio Berlusconi