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Jacques Chirac
  • Sacre Bleu! Le Chirac on Ze Trial?

    The forces of evil have set upon former French president Jacques Chirac. Though Chirac’s attorneys are appealing, the gent in question may be forced to stand the indignity of a trial for "corruption," which is a stupid word meaning “seriously no big deal.” Porquoi, you ask?

    Well, if you must know, he's been accused of maybe making some kinda not-so-ethical moves when he was the mayor of Paris

    The 78-year-old former president is accused of embezzling public money to fund his political party while he was mayor of Paris between 1977 and 1995, the year he was elected to his first term as president. Specific allegations are that Chirac used city money to pay 28 phantom employees for his own political purposes.

    Chirac has denied any wrongdoing, saying that France had no clear laws on party financing at the time.

    Does there really need to be a law that says you can't use public funds to pay people for doing jobs that don't actually exist? This and other pertinent questions may never be answered, as the trial has been delayed on appeal.

    So, to Jacques Chirac, we offer a hearty congratulations on probably never being prosecuted for something you probably totally did! In the words of our nation's own drunken, party-hearty descendants of the French, "Laissez les bontemps rouler!"

    Tags: Corruption, France, Jacques Chirac
  • George W. Bush Invaded Iraq Because That's Where the Hell-Demons Live

    hell-demon-devilWhen your grandchildren ask you why there was a war in a place called Iraq you can just smile wisely, repeat the headline above and shoo them off to play with their My Little Hovercrafts.

    Yes, it seems our ex-president had a very good reason for launching a secretive war that cost thousands of lives and billions of dollars: he was on a mission from God

    President George W. Bush told French President Jacques Chirac in early 2003 that Iraq must be invaded to thwart Gog and Magog, the Bible’s satanic agents of the Apocalypse.

    Now out of office, Chirac recounts that the American leader appealed to their "common faith" (Christianity) and told him: "Gog and Magog are at work in the Middle East…. The biblical prophecies are being fulfilled…. This confrontation is willed by God, who wants to use this conflict to erase his people’s enemies before a New Age begins."

    Weirdly enough, then-President Chirac didn't jump at this opportunity to put on the armor of God and get a-smiting. Instead he said something along the lines of "Let me get back to you on that, Monsieur Le Petit Arbre," and then he summoned his staff, who sat around scratching their heads (in French)…

    Chirac says he was boggled by Bush’s call and "wondered how someone could be so superficial and fanatical in their beliefs."

    A terrifying and bizarre episode, to be sure, but at least it confirms something I've suspected for a long time.

    French people aren't just surrender monkeys. They're also blasphemer chimps.

    (via the heathen Andrew Sullivan)

    Tags: Christianity, France, George W. Bush, Iraq, Jacques Chirac, The Bible