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James Mattis
  • General James Mattis Is Dreamier Than Zac Efron

    It's been a few days since we peered into the world of America's New Boyfriend, General James Mattis. In other words, it's been far too long! What awesome, straight-shootin' thing did he say at his confirmation hearing to be the head of Central Command? Look like he sounded off on the WikiLeaks scandal!

    He called the leak "grossly irresponsible" and said the documents revealed nothing new. "It didn't tell us anything, that I've seen so far, that we weren't  already aware of," Mattis said.

    "One of the newspaper headlines was that war is a tense and dangerous thing," he said. "Well, if that is news, I don't know who it is news to that's on this planet."

    YESSS! Mattis 1, Mainstream Media -92,000!

    Seriously, the guy has a point. In terms of quantity, the WikiLeaks thing is the biggest leak of classified data in the history of ever. That in and of itself is a huge deal. But beyond the ginormous, epic size of the leak, does it really tell us anything we didn't already know? The war sucks, Afghanistan is hopelessly corrupt and craptastic, and the Taliban are doing just fine, thank you for asking. These sorts of major security breaches are always interesting to major political dorks/news nerds (ahem, none of THEM around these parts!) but in the end, did the American people learn anything really important? Meh.

    Let's get back to comely James Mattis!

    In response to questioning from Sen. Lindsey Graham, R-S.C., Mattis said he expects fighting and casualties to increase.

    "I believe it will be a difficult summer and into the fall," Mattis said. "We will have some bad days ahead, but so long as we hold fast and adapt faster than the enemy, the enemy's situation will continue to worsen."

    This is probably the closest we will ever get to hearing a modern-day general say, "Yeah, it's gonna suck and tons of people are gonna die. But I still think we can make it shittier for the other side in the end." And BTW, don't you love the way he says "the enemy?" This is a Mattis Thing, apparently. It is old-fashioned and adorable, and what was this post about anyway? Oh, evs, confirmation hearings, he's pretty much a shoo-in. A HANDSOME, SINGLE shoo-in! SWOON.

    Tags: Afghanistan, James Mattis, Lindsey Graham, Military, Senate, Taliban, WikiLeaks
  • Turns Out Gen. James Mattis, Soon-to-Be New Head of CENTCOM, Is Totally Badass!

    Attention citizens: I have revised my recently-vlogged opinion on General James Mattis (I refuse to revise anything I said about the Tea Party, which is a club for lamestains.) While it is still a bad idea to say that it is fun to shoot some people, because really such things should be duty rather than recreation, I give him a thumbs-up for the full context in which he stated his case

    "You go into Afghanistan, you got guys who slap around women for five years because they didn't wear a veil," General Mattis [President Obama’s choice to command American forces across the strategic crescent that encompasses Iraq and Afghanistan] said during a forum in San Diego in 2005. "You know guys like that ain't got no manhood left anyway, so it's a hell of a lot of fun to shoot them."

    Hold up. I think I'm kind of slightly in love. By not researching the full context in which General James Mattis made his remarks, I neglected to realize that he is actually completely awesome. Why? Let us parse his statement as if we are MFA students reading poetry or something gay like that.

    First, because he is dissing on jerkholes who physically abuse women. Second, because he is sort of affirming the right for ladies to wear what they want, or at least to not to have to wear what mean boys are trying to make them wear. Third, because he is implying that guys who knock women around are ass-faces who have no wieners.

    Here is another example of why General Mattis is awesome…

    "I dropped down into the hole, and there were two junior Marines," the lieutenant, Nathaniel C. Fick, recalled of that overnight operation outside Kandahar. "But the third was General Mattis. He has a star on his collar and could have been sleeping on a cot with a major waiting to make him coffee. But he's out there in the cold in the middle of the night, doing the same thing I'm doing as a first lieutenant — checking on his men."


    Also, and here is an unusual and great thing about General James Mattis: he has a library of over 6,000 volumes! WTF?! And he moves it all over the world so he can read stuff whenever he wants. This is completely excellent. Oh, I'm sorry. Did you need more evidence that General James Mattis is actually really cool?

    And he is a reader of history. He was once asked which American Indian warrior he most respected. His answer was a tribe-by-tribe, chief-by-chief exposition spanning the first Seminole war to the surrender of the Lakota.

    I would actually like to party with this guy.

    Tags: Afghanistan, James Mattis, Men and Women, Military
  • New Head of CENTCOM Gen. James Mattis Loves His Job, Which Is Killing People

    Sara Benincasa vlog-troduces us to the man who will likely replace Gen David Petraeus as the newest head of U.S. Central Command, 4-star General James N. Mattis

    Tags: Afghanistan, David Petraeus, James Mattis, Military, Stanley McChrystal