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Jan Brewer
  • That's Some Governor You've Picked for Yourself, Arizona

    I can totally see why you'd rather have her than all those worthless immigrant terror babies or whatever.

    And you know what the worst part is? You're totally gonna vote her in again, aren't you?

    Keep up the good work, Grand Canyon State!

    Tags: Arizona, Debates, Jan Brewer
  • Arizona's Unconstitutional Immigration Law Found to Be Unconstitutional

    I realize that this is gonna be a huge bummer for fans of institutionalized intolerance and radicalized irrationality everywhere, but Arizona's anti-brown person law, which was to go into effect this month, just took a pretty big hit

    [Judge Susan Bolton of Federal District Court] took aim at the parts of the law that have generated the most controversy, issuing a preliminary injunction against sections that called for police officers to check a person’s immigration status while enforcing other laws and that required immigrants to carry their papers at all times…

    "There is a substantial likelihood that officers will wrongfully arrest legal resident aliens," she wrote. "By enforcing this statute, Arizona would impose a ‘distinct, unusual and extraordinary’ burden on legal resident aliens that only the federal government has the authority to impose."

    Of course, like any villain worth her salt, Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer shook her withered fist at the judge's ruling and promised the world that this fight far from over…

    "I am disappointed by Judge Susan Bolton's ruling," Gov. Jan Brewer said in a statement. "This fight is far from over. In fact, it is just the beginning, and at the end of what is certain to be a long legal struggle, Arizona will prevail in its right to protect our citizens."

    She then hopped into her rancor-powered Xenophomobile and raced away to her hidden lair deep within the bowels of the state governor's mansion.

    Tags: Arizona, Immigration, Jan Brewer, Racism
  • Will Sir Paul McCartney's Thoughtless Remarks Spark Another War Between U.S. and Britain? Probably!

    Those predator drones that Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer requested have been successfully deployed to the Mexican border this week. However — while this might seem like a happy day for all white good Americans who rightly feel that highly sophisticated and expensive military robot planes are a rational means of defense against dishwashers and busboys sneaking into the country to take all our valuable dishwasher and busboy jobs — one can't help but feel that those drones could maybe have been put to better use.

    Like, for example, blowing up the shit out of Paul McCartney's un-American ass for besmirching the good name of our former president

    Paul McCartney won an award from the Library of Congress, because even though he had probably the third-best solo career as a Beatle, Ringo is not yet properly recognized for his songwriting prowess and the other two are dead. Sir Paul played a concert for President and Mrs. Obama.

    At the end of the concert, Paul McCartney made a joke. He said: "After the last eight years, it’s good to have a president that knows what a library is."

    What?! The?! Fuck?!?! So, Sir Paul "The Walrus" McCartney thinks he can come into our country and win an award from our Library of Congress and play a concert for our First Family and then make a light-hearted joke about our national laughing stock, huh?! No! No way! That is super disrespectful, and I, for one, demand an apology. Who's got my back?

    Human Events' Connie Hair gets Rep. John Boehner (R-Ohio) to demand an apology from Paul McCartney…

    "Like millions of other Americans, I have always had a good impression of Paul McCartney and thought of him as a classy guy, but I was surprised and disappointed by the lack of grace and respect he displayed at the White House. I hope he'll apologize to the American people for his conduct which demeaned him, the White House and President Obama."

    Not good enough! I demand Paul McCartney perform another private concert for me and my friends, after which he can issue his apology. Furthermore, I demand he not play any songs from his post-Beatles career — because, come on, right? — with the possible exception of "Maybe I'm Amazed," which when you think about it, was really actually written before Paul left the Beatles, so that kind of is seen as a gray area anyway. Am I right people? We demand satisfaction! And "Helter Skelter"!

    Tags: Barack Obama, Beatles, George W. Bush, House of Representatives, Jan Brewer, Mexico, Michelle Obama, Military, Music
  • Arizona Requests Predator Drones, Attack Helicopters to Keep Out Dishwashers

    Hey, look, I'm just spitballin' here, but you know what would really come in the effort to stop poor Mexicans from sneaking across the border into Arizona and stealing all our slave-labor jobs? Some fucking Predator Drones and a handful of attack helicopters.

    Oh, Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer is already all over that shit? That's cool. I'll just be sittin' here thinkin' up genius stuff. That's what I do…

    Brewer, in a letter to President Obama, asked that the National Guard reallocate reconnaissance helicopters and robotic surveillance craft to the "border states" from other parts of the country…

    The governor said that a fleet of eight to 10 Kiowa helicopters "would enable us to double our border coverage to 2,000 hours per year. To be effective, these additional aircraft must be equipped for day and night operations."… The governor also requested "wider deployment of unmanned aerial vehicles (UAVs) along our nation's southern border." UAVs are flying, remote-controlled robot drones that are widely used in Iraq and Afghanistan…

    "I am aware of how effective these assets have become in Operations Iraqi and Enduring Freedom, and it seems UAV operations would be ideal for border security and counter-drug missions," said the governor.

    Hey, wait! While we're already askin', how 'bout this idea I just thunk up? A hot tamale-seeking missile? Think about it!

    Tags: Arizona, Jan Brewer, Mexico, Military, National Guard
  • Sarah Palin Calls for All Americans to Stand Up and Say, "We're All Fearful, Angry Bigots Now"

    Sarah Palin sure has been vocal recently about how much she supports and wants everybody in the world to associate her with Arizona's recent decision to legalize racism, even going so far as to appear alongside Gov. Jan Brewer — who's also made huge leaps in institutional racism in the state's school system recently by signing laws to ban teachers with foreign accents and disallow classes in ethnic studies — for a news conference this past weekend

    As calls spread for an economic boycott of Arizona, the state's governor enlisted the help of former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin on Saturday to defend a new law cracking down on illegal immigration…

    "It's time for Americans across this great country to stand up and say, 'We're all Arizonans now,'" Palin said.

    No, it's not quite time for that. It's probably just time for all the xenophobic, fear-driven, small-minded bigots who claim to be fighting for personal liberties but are all too willing to surrender other people's at their earliest convenience to stand up and say, "We're all Arizonans now." Of course, that might be a little misleading since I'm sure a lot of real Arizonans aren't actually "Arizonans," if you know what I mean. Maybe we should just come up with another name for those people. Oh, wait, we already have one. "Teabaggers."

    Oh and, in case you were wondering, this whole debacle. This decision to target any person with a dark complexion or a hint of an accent as a potential criminal. This isn't Jan Brewer's doing. Or even the Arizona legislature's doing. Nope. It's Barack Obama's. Because, okay why not?

    Jan Brewer and Palin blamed President Barack Obama for the state law, saying the measure is Arizona's attempt to enforce immigration laws because the federal government won't do it.

    That racist bastard! I always knew that guy hated brown people.

    (Photo via NY Daily News)

    Tags: Arizona, Education, Immigration, Jan Brewer, Mexico, Racism, Sarah Palin, Tea Party