Caption Challenge: Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano

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Tags: Caption Challenge, Games and Challenges, Janet Napolitano

The Year That Was 2009 (in Daily Show Interviews)

Can you remember all the way back in the last decade when there was that one year that was called 2009 (or something like that)? That was a kinda crazy year, huh?

Well, if you're in the mood to get all retro and hipster faux-nostalgic, here's a bunch of interviews from that year — one for each month — back when the show wasn't even broadcast in high def. (Lo res interviews? That's like the Schlitz of talking stuff. Whatevs.)

January – Jimmy Carter

The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11pm / 10c.

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Tags: Austan Goolsbee, Barney Frank, Brian Williams, Janet Napolitano, Jimmy Carter, Joe Biden, Jon Stewart, Mike Huckabee, Nancy Pelosi, Newt Gingrich, Rod Blagojevich, Sandra Day O'Connor, The Daily Show

Explosive Underwear Is No Match for Janet Napolitano's Anti-Terror System

Because 2009 is determined to end this sucky decade on the suckiest note possible, Americans celebrated Christmas with a jolly old blizzard and a festive centerpiece of attempted terrorism. The latter was handcrafted by Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, using nothing but a Northwest Airlines plane and a stash of pentaerythritol tetranitrate sewn in his underwear…

Usually, a shock wave from a blasting cap or an exploding wire detonator is needed to set off PETN. Mr. Abdulmutallab was reported to have used a syringe to try to inject a liquid into the explosive.

"It sounds like he was trying to cause a chemical reaction that would initiate it, and that didn’t work out so well," said Jimmie C. Oxley, an explosives expert and professor of chemistry at the University of Rhode Island.

Meanwhile, homeland security secretary Janet Napolitano spent the holiday weekend singing damage control carols on CNN…

NAPOLITANO: What we are focused on is making sure that the air environment remains safe, that people are confident when they travel. And one thing I'd like to point out is that the system worked. Everybody played an important role here.

Apparently Napolitano is referring to a sophisticated two-part safety system: the first part requires airplane terrorists who forgot to take notes during chem. The second part involves having a Dutch filmmaker on board to put out the flaming explosives with his hands. Wow! I sure feel confident about traveling, now that I know this system's in place.

Of course, to be fair, it hasn't failed yet.

Update: Now Janet Napolitano is saying the system did fail. You may return to your regularly scheduled panic attack.

Tags: Christmas, Homeland Security, Janet Napolitano, Terrorism, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab

Colbert Interviews DHS Secretary Janet Napolitano

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano was Stephen's guest on The Colbert Report last night and it was an interesting interview, though I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed that he didn't ask her about her ice cream. The American people deserve to know if she plans to add a long-rumored fourth flavor!

The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm / 10:30c.

Tags: Homeland Security, Janet Napolitano, Secret Service, Stephen Colbert, Swine Flu, Terrorism, The Colbert Report, Video

Terrorism Doesn't Exist Anymore

In a recent interview with German magazine Der Spiegel, US Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano spoke about terrorist threats:

"I presume there is always a threat from terrorism. In my speech, although I did not use the word 'terrorism,' I referred to 'man-caused' disasters. That is perhaps only a nuance, but it demonstrates that we want to move away from the politics of fear toward a policy of being prepared for all risks that can occur."

Um. Really, Secretary of Defense of The Holy Fatherland From The Unclean Hordes? Who exactly is responsible for any of these future "man-made disasters?" Disasternistas? Masters of Disaster? Human Hurricanes? This is baffling, of course, serving only to confirm the cynical notion that political parties are just dueling tribes, basically mafias. Different color sweatsuits, but the same rackets.

One party's "man-made disasters" are just another party's "enhanced interrogation techniques." Thanks to the Obama Administration, the War in Iraq is now, "the Troubles in Iraq." For future reference, "food stamps" are "yummo tickets," and "taxpayer bailouts" are "loans of love."

Instead of wanton fear-mongering, Secretary Napolitano is choosing cheaply positive, politically correct sloganeering. The impulse to wrap the truth in bubble-wrap is the same impulse that drives Baby Boomers to have their children play non-competitive soccer, where everybody wins, even when they lose. Terrorists are terrorists. Putting bunny ears on a threat does not reduce its dangers.

I say we officially refer to terrorism as "Sauron’s Great Eye." And so a speculative sentence reads: "I presume there is always a threat from Sauron’s Great Eye, perpetrated by Orcs."

Tags: Homeland Security, Janet Napolitano, Terrorism