The Onion: Nuclear Energy Advocates Insist U.S. Reactors Completely Safe Unless Something Bad Happens

The Onion reports on the growing controversy over nuclear energy…

Responding to the ongoing nuclear crisis in Japan, officials from the Nuclear Regulatory Commission sought Thursday to reassure nervous Americans that U.S. reactors were 100 percent safe and posed absolutely no threat to the public health as long as no unforeseeable system failure or sudden accident were to occur.

"With the advanced safeguards we have in place, the nuclear facilities in this country could never, ever become a danger like those in Japan, unless our generators malfunctioned in an unexpected yet catastrophic manner, causing the fuel rods to melt down," said NRC chairman Gregory Jaczko, insisting that nuclear power remained a clean, harmless energy source that could only lead to disaster if events were to unfold in the exact same way they did in Japan, or in a number of other terrifying and totally plausible scenarios that have taken place since the 1950s

You see? There's absolutely nothing to worry about. Unless something turns up.

Tags: Energy & Oil, Japan, Nuclear, The Onion

From the Pork Barrel: Terror Babies? Terror Babies!

* The Center for Immigration Studies (whatever that is) publishes brand new spine-tingling Terror Baby fantasy fiction!

* Michele Bachmann doubles down on stupid.

* Why oh why won't you people let Meghan McCain's dad go to Las Vegas?!

* Hillary Clinton will not serve a 2nd term as Secretary of State, nor is she interested in challenging Obama. Which totally means she is challenging Obama! Am I right?!

* The only thing less interesting than the manufactured controversy over Obama's picks for the NCAA tournament are Obama's picks for the NCAA tournament.

* Rep. Jean Schmidt: A vagina and a pro-choice stance do not belong on the same person.

* Today's forecast: Mostly sunny, with a slight chance of skin-burning radioactive fallout.

Tags: 14th Amendment, Abortion, Babies, Basketball, Constitution, Environment, Hillary Clinton, House of Representatives, Immigration, Japan, Jean Schmidt, Michele Bachmann, Obama Administration, Pork Barrel, Sports, Terrorism

Rush Limbaugh Laughs at Hilarious Japanese Tragedy

by Brian Kraker

When discussing the recent tsunami in Japan, conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh spoke with a caller who asked, "If these are the people that invented the Prius, have mastered public transportation, recycling, why did Mother Earth, Gaia if you will, hit them with this disaster?."

"Interesting question!" And with absolutely no overt logical fallacies!

Rush, of course, shows the situation the sympathy it deserves…

"He's right," Limbaugh said. "They've given us the Prius. Even now, refugees are recycling their garbage." Here, he began to laugh, continuing, "and yet, Gaia levels them! Just wipes them out!"

Apparently for Rush, a tsunami that kills thousands and razes entire cities is worth a chuckle, so long as the wave takes out a Prius plant in the process. At least he didn’t make an ill-timed Godzilla joke. Wait, I spoke too soon.

Tags: Auto Industry, Environment, Japan, Natural Disasters, Rush Limbaugh

Glenn Beck Clearly Is Clearly Just Effing with Us at This Point

No sooner does he leave us all gape-mouthed by doing a thing like this…

Beck said he had been cautious about airing video from O'Keefe’s biggest previous sting, which targeted the liberal community organizing group ACORN, explaining "we wanted the raw video because we wanted to make sure that nothing has been taken out of context. I'm not going to Shirley Sherrod someone" — a reference to Breitbart’s posting of video excerpts that seemed to show an African American Department of Agriculture official in a speech expressing racist sentiments that – more complete video footage showed – she was actually renouncing.

"And not that I question James or anything else, I just want to make sure that it's right and that's what we did with The Blaze — just make sure that it’s right," Beck said on the radio Monday.

Then he follows it up by doing a thing like this…

Speaking [of the earthquake in Japan] on his radio show Monday, Beck said, "I'm not saying God is, you know, causing earthquakes," before quickly adding, "I'm not not saying that either."

He then said that whatever one called God, "there's a message being sent. And that is, 'Hey, you know that stuff we're doing? Not really working out real well. Maybe we should stop doing some of it.' I'm just saying."

If I had to hazard a guess, I'd say that he's getting the impression that we're desensitized to nonsensical things he says, so he has to throw in a few sensical things just to keep us on our toes.

Tags: Andrew Breitbart, Fox, Glenn Beck, James O'Keefe, Japan, Natural Disasters, NPR, Shirley Sherrod

Tworld News: Week of March 14, 2011

'O brave new tworld, that has such tweeple in it' — all the romantic dramedy of the news in 140 characters.

Wait until Peter King figures out that the terms 'Muslim' and 'Islam' refer to the same people — then he's gonna be like… twice as scared. At least.

It's about time someone was severely punished for bringing 'Car Talk' into the world.

Read More »

Tags: Football, Haiti, House of Representatives, Islam, Japan, Julianne Moore, Movies, Natural Disasters, New York, NPR, Peter King, Religion, Sarah Palin, Sports, Tworld News, Unions, Wisconsin