When you think of the average Pop-Pop, you probably don't picture him shot and bleeding while still kicking an armed 22-year-old madman's ass. And when you think of the average Grandmom, you probably don't envision her restraining said armed madman like a fucking Bond chick.
But last Saturday in Arizona, a couple of oldsters busted out some superhero moves and helped take down a murderer. Here are some details about our first Senior Hero, 74-year-old retired Army colonel Bill Badger…
Badger said he dropped to the ground to avoid the fire but felt something graze the back of his head.
"I dropped down all the way to the ground, and I lowered my head about 6 inches. I felt this burning, stinging sensation right in the back of my head," he said.
Then the shooting stopped. The gunman had run out of ammunition. Badger said he was disoriented but saw another man hit the gunman over the head with a chair. Badger said he then grabbed the shooter's left wrist and forced him to the ground with the help of several others.
Meanwhile, a woman knocked a second clip of ammunition out of the gunman's hand. Badger said he got the shooter in a choke hold while another man forced his knee into the suspect's neck.
This guy didn't even realize he'd been shot in the fucking head. He just sprang right into action, bleeding all over the damn place, and kicking ass like a man half his age. If that ain't some real-life Gran Torino-type shit, we don't know what is.
Oh, and about that lady who "knocked a second clip of ammunition out of the gunman's hand?" That would be 61-year-old Patricia Maisch…
Two men tackled the gunman and they fell close to Maisch. She saw the shooter reach into his left pants pocket for another ammunition clip and grabbed his hand and then knelt on his ankles to help subdue him.
She grabbed the gun and the magazine. According to eyewitnesses, she was screaming, "Give me the gun!"
In this country, we tend to ignore The Olds or characterize them as cute, doddering bits of comic relief. If we can glean any positive message from this horrible story, it may be that America's elderly are tough as fucking nails.
Next time you start to politely turn down your grandmother's offer of brussels sprouts, hold your tongue and take a good look at her. That glint in her eye ain't sugary sweetness; it's barely-caged, tigerlike ferocity. Then you'd better say, "Thank you, ma'am" and take a double helping.
Tags: Arizona, Gabrielle Giffords, Guns, Jared Lee Loughner
Sarah Palin, in response to criticism she received in the wake of Rep. Gabrielle Giffords's shooting (as observed from the alternative universe in which she displays leadership qualities)…
"My initial response was to defend the fact that I had never condoned such violence, and never would. But the fact is, if I in any way contributed to an unhealthy political climate, I have to be more careful and deliberate in my public language rather than merely sharpen my defenses."
Also, in that universe, she has blonde hair, eats elk meat and is a Mama Black Bear.
Tags: Gabrielle Giffords, Guns, Jared Lee Loughner, Quote Unquote, Sarah Palin
Look, people. If there's one thing that gets Sarah Palin's hackles up, it's people criticizing Sarah Palin. Sarah Palin simply will not stand for it! So, obviously, when Sarah Palin discovered recently that a lot of people were implicating Sarah Palin's violent-ish rhetoric and use of cartography symbols as contributing to an atmosphere that led ultimately to the assassination attempt on Rep. Gabrielle Giffords's life, Sarah Palin decided that enough was enough and came to Sarah Palin's defense, delivering this moving speech for the ages…
These eight minutes seems to be mostly full of boilerplate rhetorical curlicues and overstuffed sentences written specifically to make this defense of herself seem "presidential" in that vague kind of sense that people take the word "presidential" to mean. But there's one part that people seems to be the focus of a lot of attention…
"Especially within hours of a tragedy unfolding, journalists and pundits should not manufacture a blood libel that serves only to incite the very hatred and violence they purport to condemn. That is reprehensible."
Personally, I don't see what the big deal is. Sure, it's kind of a nerdy reference to drop in the middle of a serious speech like this, but it's not that big a deal. And blood libels are bad news. You gotta kill that shit with fire. Take my word for it. One time, on this one campaign, our whole party walked into this octagonal dungeon room full of mirrors, and all we could see all around us were thousands and thousands of reflections of ourselves. What we didn't realize though, was that there was a blood libel hanging on the ceiling waiting to drop on us, and when it did…
Wait a minute. That wasn't a blood libel. That was a black pudding.
So, what the hell is a blood libel?
Tags: Gabrielle Giffords, Guns, Jared Lee Loughner, Sarah Palin