Jared Logan and Jordan Carlos Are Running for President

Our friends Jared Logan and Jordan Carlos — who have been perpetrating election-related hijinks with us all year long — are comedians, technically speaking, but these days the line between comedians and politicians is blurrier than ever. Was that a joke or was it a gaffe? Who's entertaining whom? Am I in the Senate right now?

So perhaps we should not have been surprised when Jared and Jordan (oh, hell, we call them Jored) decided to run for president. They may not have much in the way of executive experience, but they sure can smile for the cameras, and isn't that what really counts? If you will be 18 or older in November, be sure to vote Logan/Carlos 2012! Or Carlos/Logan 2012. It appears they have not settled that question just yet.

Stay tuned for a new dispatch from the Logan/Carlos (Carlos/Logan?) campaign, coming to this space tomorrow.

Indecision Delegates: Advice from a Former Presidential Dude

Hey Fellow Citizens! Jared Logan here. It's my job as delegate to dig up fascinating tidbits about the upcoming election. I was really excited to discover what some believe to be an authentic recently-leaked letter to Mitt Romney from George W. Bush. Check it out!

Mitt,

Hey man, what's up? Looks like your having some problems closing the deal with conservatives so my dad told me to write you and give you some advice.

First, man, I think your cool. You are friends with dudes that own sports teams. I owned a sports team. We are like two pigs in a pod. Gangsters 4 life. You like hip-hop?

Your problem is people don't like you. Maybe it is because you're a Mormon and you believe in having ten wives and worshipping weird cat gods in pyramids and stuff. First advisement: Worship the real Jesus which is specificly the Jesus of the United Methodist Church. Mention J.C. a lot because there are tons of people who just hear "Jesus" and then stop listening and vote for you. It's like a hypnotism suggestion or some shit.

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Indecision Delegates: Learning to Love Mitt Romney

Indecision Delegates Jordan Carlos and Jared Logan were dispatched into the streets of New York City to find out how the average non-billionaire feels about the inevitability of accepting Willard Mitt Romney as their eventual Republican nominee.

Follow Jordan (@jordancarlos) and Jared (@jaredlogan) on Twitter!

Indecision Delegates: Why Hold a Democratic National Convention?

The 2012 Democratic National Convention — the most important post-primary, pre-Election Day event (for Democrats) of the election season — will be held on September 3 in Charlotte, North Carolina, and we, your Indecision delegates, will be there to cover it.

But why even go to the trouble? Everybody already knows that Obama is going to be the nominee, so why bother announcing it? Shouldn't Obama be working on other shit right now instead of having a big party in Charlotte?

Actually, there are so many other reasons to hold a Democratic National Convention besides announcing the nominee. Here are twelve…

1. Three words: Baldwin Brothers Reunion!

2. Noticing how gay rights activists and Obama passive-aggressively avoid making eye contact

3. Watching cops arrest protesters in suits and ties, instead of a bunch of nice hipster kids (for a change!)

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Indecision Delegates: Ronald Reagan's Other Commandments

Republicans disagree with each other on a lot of things, but there's one thing they pretty much all agree on. They all admire a certain mythical, legendary hero of yore: Ronald Reagan.

So, they genuinely take to heart  what has come to be known as Ronald Reagan's Eleventh Commandment, namely "Thou shalt not speak ill of any fellow Republican." But are you aware that Reagan had ten other commandments that they take equally to heart? Behold!

First Commandment
Thou shalt anoint a very small group of people as "true Americans." Anybody who does not agree with that group is a "fake American," and as such has to go sit at the nerd table with the guy who has acne and the fat girl that never talks.

Second Commandment
Should a foreign nation behave in a way deemed uncooperative, do not just attack them. Thou shalt sell a shitload of weapons to their angry neighbor nation. This will never come back to haunt you.

Third Commandment
Yield not at 'conservative'! Be regressive! Champion the gold standard, challenge heliocentrism and bid the young ones toil away in the salt mines!

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