"Pizza will be considered a vegetable" sounds like the punchline to a hackneyed "When Herman Cain is President…" joke, but it's also something more consequential: longstanding government policy.
Of course, counting pizza as a vegetable is more complicated than seeding a pizza plant in Michelle Obama's organic garden and stuffing the sprouts into the capacious maws of America's schoolchildren.
When Congress blocked Department of Agriculture regulations aimed at making school lunches healthier last year, members of Congress didn't literally declare pizza itself a vegetable. Rather, they ensured that tomato paste continued to receive special treatment under school lunch regulations. Just an eighth of a cup of tomato paste is credited with as much nutritional value as half a cup of vegetables, which means a smear of paste layered beneath a topping of cheese slop may count as a vegetable serving.
Now, a spoilsport Democrat is introducing the SLICE Act to overturn last year's pro-frozen pizza rule-making…
Rep. Jared Polis (D-Colo.) introduced a bill Monday to stop the amount of tomato paste used on a children's slice of pizza from counting as a serving of vegetables in school lunches, arguing that the standard effectively qualifies pizza as a vegetable.
He said he hopes the measure can be included in this year's farm bill.
"Pizza has a place in school meals but equating it with broccoli, carrots and celery seriously undermines this nation’s efforts to support children’s health," a fact sheet from Polis's office stated.
No doubt Polis just wants to improve childhood nutrition, but is nothing sacred anymore?
Next, Congressional liberals will be telling me that my acquisitions of Miracle Whip aren't eligible for a tax deduction as purchases of religious paraphernalia. Or that my Reaganesque Jelly bean habit doesn't count as legume consumption. Or that the olive martini I have while writing about food policy isn't any more of a vegetable than pizza.
Photo by Joe Raedle/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Tags: Children, Food, House of Representatives, Jared Polis
On last night's Colbert Report, Stephen even better knowed Colorado's second district by sitting down with Jared Polis, the first openly gay man elected to Congress. At the end, they take turns sucking on a long cylindrical object, but this is 2009, we have a black President and gay people can be elected to Congress, so there's really no comedic conclusion to jump to there. Homophobe.
After the jump, you can see the first time Stephen better knowed Colorado's second.
The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm / 10:30c.
Tags: Colorado, Jared Polis, Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, Video
According to the Huffington Post, the states with the largest partisan shifts in 2008 were Hawaii (toward Democrats) and Arkansas (toward Republicans). But the state that had the gayest shift was definitely Colorado!
Out: Rep. Marilyn Musgrave (R-4th District), Congressional homophobe in chief, who calls banning gay marriage "the most important issue we face today."
In: Jared Polis (D-2nd District), the first openly gay non-incumbent elected to Congress. (Barney Frank, Gerry Studds, etc. were already in Congress when Sarah Palin's church forgot to include them in their prayers.)
Polis's district includes the liberal hotbed of Boulder, which can now gloat to rivals Berkeley, Austin and Cambridge about the fact that those backwaters are still represented by straight people.
Meanwhile Musgrave, who comes from the flat, rural northeast corner of the state, will undoubtedly use her newfound free time to explore other ways to hate gay people. Among other things, she could…
* Join the Rev. Fred Phelps on a "God Hates Fags" tour of military funerals.
* Boycott companies that advertise on the Ellen show.
* Use what remains of her 59 year-old seductive powers to "actively assist" the de-gayification of Colorado preacher Ted Haggard.
As for Colorado itself, it's going to spend the next 2 years at the bathhouse before getting a facial and heading to the Bette Midler concert.
Tags: Arkansas, Colorado, Hawaii, House of Representatives, Jared Polis, Marilyn Musgrave