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Jeff Sessions
  • Senate GOP Tricked into Opposing Even More Rights for Women

    Mitch McConnellI think that somebody must have placed a chart upside down in the Republican playbook or something. Otherwise, I don't think there's any reasonable explanation for why they might think that an unceasing barrage of attacks against previously-settled women's rights would be a winning strategy

    With emotions still raw from the fight over President Obama’s contraception mandate, Senate Democrats are beginning a push to renew the Violence Against Women Act, the once broadly bipartisan 1994 legislation that now faces fierce opposition from conservatives

    Republicans are bracing for a battle where substantive arguments could be swamped by political optics and the intensity of the clash over women’s issues. At a closed-door Senate Republican lunch on Tuesday, Senator Lisa Murkowski of Alaska sternly warned her colleagues that the party was at risk of being successfully painted as antiwoman — with potentially grievous political consequences in the fall, several Republican senators said Wednesday.

    But, but, but… It's not the Senate GOP's fault! Democrats are forcing them into a corner, in which they have no option but to side against the better interests of half the American populace. They're innocent, I tells ya…

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    Tags: Jeff Sessions, Lisa Murkowski, Men and Women, Republicans, Senate, Women's Rights
  • Sen. Jeff Sessions Fights Against "Pathetic" Notion That Rich People Pay Their Share of Taxes

    Look. So long as there are poor people out there who aren't being harvested for protein, do you really have the time to bother Jeff Sessions with nonsense like this?

    Having the Senate declare that millionaires should share more of the pain involved in putting America's financial house in order is "rather pathetic," Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-Ala.) declared Tuesday…

    [Harry] Reid's first measure in that direction is a non-binding resolution that states: "It is the sense of the Senate that any agreement to reduce the budget deficit should require that those earning $1,000,000 or more per year make a more meaningful contribution to the deficit reduction effort."…

    "So I guess we can say we're beginning to talk about something with this rather pathetic response from the majority leader," he said. "I'm not happy about that."…

    Reid spokesman Adam Jentleson commented: "Apparently, nothing irritates Republicans more than the prospect that millionaires and billionaires might be asked to share in the burden of deficit reduction."

    Good for you, Sen. Sessions! For too long have the legislators of this country threatened to hold our millionaires under the oppressive boot of not being treated like the oligarchs that they are.

    For God's sake, when will it end?!

    Photo by Scott J. Ferrell/CQ-Roll Call Group/Getty Images

    Tags: Harry Reid, Jeff Sessions, Money, Senate, Taxes
  • Jon Stewart on the Budget Debate

    As Jon Stewart discussed on last night's Daily Show, all of the budget cuts being proposed by the Republicans are things held near and dear by liberals, like NPR, PBS and Planned Parenthood. There is some good news for the left though. So far, no one has suggested any cuts to the National Endowment for Self-Satisfaction. I think that's something for which we can really feel good about ourselves.

    The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11/10c.

    Tags: Barack Obama, Deficit, Economy, Jeff Sessions, Jon Stewart, NPR, The Daily Show, Video
  • Elena Kagan Would Be an "Activist Judge," Which, By the Way, Is Horrible and Scary

    So what were you up to yesterday? If you are Senator Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III, your answer is, "Oh, I spent the afternoon being mad at Thurgood Marshall, who is a dead person and also a hero."

    Assuming you are not the junior senator from Alabama, let’s proceed with a wee recap of a highlight from Day 2 of Princess Kagan and the Temple of Gross. So Solicitor General Elena Kagan clerked for Marshall, the Supreme Court’s first African-American member, during the 1987-88 term. Jeff Sessions does not like this, because Thurgood Marshall was an "activist judge." It is possible that Jeff Sessions also has heard that Thurgood Marshall was a Known Activist even before he was a judge? In fact, it’s his fault that the all-white color scheme at your favorite local public school was altered (this was before the Internets were invented, so it does not really matter, but here is what your friends would call a "recap.")

    Here is Jeff Sessions on why Elena Kagan should not be the new Supreme Court Idol…

    "Importantly, throughout her career, Ms. Kagan has associated herself with well-known activist judges who have used their power to redefine the meaning of words of our Constitution and laws in ways that, not surprisingly, have the result of advancing that judge's preferred social policies and agendas. She clerked for Judge Mikva and Justice Marshall, each well-known activists. And she has called Israeli Judge Aharon Barak, who has been described as the most activist judge in the world, as her hero."

    Who are these other terrible criminals Elena Kagan has law-dated? Here is a random and totally correct guess: Israeli Judge Aharon Barak Obama is a Muslim terrorist. Also, Judge Mikva is a human bathtub for Jewish ladies.

    Day 3 is going to be so fucking awesome.

    Tags: Elena Kagan, Israel, Jeff Sessions, Senate, Supreme Court
  • Elena Kagan's Sexy First Day of Sexy Confirmation Hearings Got Sexy

    Oh, man, the Senate confirmation hearings for potential Supreme Court justice (and current Solicitor General) Elena Kagan got effin’ HOT today!

    Solicitor General Elena Kagan pledged on Monday that if the Senate confirms her nomination to the Supreme Court, she will adopt a "modest" stance toward her powers and will defer to the policy decisions of Congress and the president, according to excerpts from her prepared opening statement released by the White House.

    Then she batted her eyelashes and delicately lifted up her floor-length skirt so that the salivating senators could see her shapely, softball-toned ankles. The coy minx!

    She also said that the democratic process "is often messy and frustrating."  JUST LIKE SEX! (is what she meant to add, but didn’t.)  She is so flirting with Senator Pat Leahy. Thank her Old Testament Jehovah the Politico told us she’s not a gay! Otherwise, her statement could be interpreted as a smart, well-worded opening statement to the Senate and the nation, rather than a coded sex note about fucking.

    Stay tuned for later, when she totally leaves something on Jeff Sessions’s desk and pretends she "forgot" it just so she can come back and "get it" later!

    Tags: Elena Kagan, Jeff Sessions, Patrick Leahy, Senate, Supreme Court