From the Pork Barrel: King DeMint

* America's largest banks are getting new custom suits, but not the pinstriped kind.

* Potential president Newt Gingrich suggests we sell Alaska to solve the national debt crisis. Relax, it's a joke! (The 'potential president Newt Gingrich' thing. Oh, the Alaska thing, too.)

* Mitt Romney's jobs plan will be "sweeping and specific." So… a 3,928-page .pdf that he explains in a single tweet?

* Don't forget, Sarah Palin's on-again, off-again appearance at tomorrow's Tea Party rally in Indianola, Iowa is on again. She will fill the time between "California-based recording artist Steve Vaus" and "Carrie and Stacie Stoetling, two sisters from Iowa."

* On Monday, as America gets drunk on cheap beer, Jim DeMint will be toiling away at the Palmetto Freedom Forum, asking GOP candidates tough (?) questions and begging people to call him a kingmaker. This is Rick Perry and Mitt Romney's first time going mano a mano in a debate, so it'll definitely be exciting a thing that happens. We will livetweet the proceedings over at @TheInDecider, starting at 3pm EST, possibly while getting drunk on cheap beer. Join us!

Photo by Win McNamee/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Tags: Alaska, Banks, Iowa, Jim DeMint, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Palmetto Freedom Forum, Pork Barrel, Primaries, Republicans, Rick Perry, Sarah Palin

From the Pork Barrel: So, That's How She Did It!

* Liberal version of birthers hit upon the secret behind Sarah Palin's terrible brilliant pregnancy scheme.

* Jim DeMint warns conservatives against evils of cooperation.

* Turns out Arnold Shwarzenegger likes to have sex with women.

* The Onion: Giant Bin Laden Destroys New York, Washington

Tags: Birthers, Jim DeMint, New York City, Osama bin Laden, Pork Barrel, Sarah Palin, Senate, The Onion, Trig Palin, Washington DC

From the Pork Barrel: Portrait of the Candidate as a Young Preppy

* In some dark corner of the Trump mansion, this portrait is growing increasingly shame-faced with each passing day.

* Interested in where your tax dollars went? Excited by the prospect of getting depressed? This is the site for you!

* Joe Biden — unhappy with low amount of commuter train talk in President's budget speech drifts off into sweet dreams of Amtrak.

* Jim DeMint finds common ground with reasonable Americans.

* Arizona state senate passes birther bill, robbing Kenyan imposter of much-needed path to victory through Arizona in 2012.

* Sen. Jon Kyl promises that if the #NotIntendedToBeAFactualStatement hashtag continues it's popularity at this rate for until tomorrow, he'll run down K Street naked! #NotIntendedToBeAFactualStatement

Tags: Arizona, Birthers, Debt, Donald Trump, Economy, Jim DeMint, Joe Biden, Jon Kyl, Money, Pork Barrel, Primaries, Republicans, Senate, Taxes, Twitter

Jim DeMint Still Not Considering Running for President

So, we've come to this? The 2012 GOP primaries is looking to be so bloated with comically ignorant cartoon characters, that now it's news when you find a comically ignorant cartoon character who is not running for president…

Jim DeMint has ruled out a run for president in 2012, choosing instead to focus his growing political power on helping to elect more conservatives to the Senate next November, according to sources close to the South Carolina senator…

"He's said all along that he isn’t running for President and his role in the primary is to encourage the candidates to embrace conservative principles," said Matt Hoskins, spokesman for the Senate Conservatives Fund, DeMint's political action committee.

Big news! Please retweet! We have to get the non-word not-out!

Hey, does anybody know if Foghorn Leghorn is also not running for president? How about Juggernaut? If he's not running, somebody needs to breaks the story. This could be huge!

Tags: Jim DeMint, Primaries, Republicans, Senate, South Carolina

CPAC Still Has Plenty of Haterade on Tap

The Conservative Political Action Conference is like Woodstock for people who hate non-straight non-whites, and also three of their token minority besties. Yes, it's just that much fun! But alas, some of its most conservatiest conservatortionists are pissed about this year's "big tent (of crazy)" philosophy…

Prominent elected officials, including Sen. Jim DeMint, R-S.C., and Rep. Jim Jordan, R-Ohio, as well as several powerful right-leaning groups such as the Family Research Council, the Heritage Foundation, Concerned Women for America, the Media Research Center and others plan to boycott this year's conference in protest of the involvement of the gay conservative group, GOProud.

Not to worry, though! As Talking Points Memo observes, there's still plenty of haterade to sip on at the big party!

If anti-gay events are more your cup of tea, there's "How Political Correctness is Harming America's Military" in the Marshall Ballroom on Thursday, featuring Elaine Donnelly of the Center for Military Readiness (which supports the continuation of Don't Ask Don't Tell). There's also "Traditional Marriage and Society" featuring (among others) Rep. Randy Hultgren (IL) and Bishop Harry Jackson of the Hope Christian Church.

After one of these godly hatefests, you can mosey on over to one of two Ground Zero mosque freakouts! Yes, it's sure to be an action-packed couple of days, the perfect sorbet to clear the palate before that wussy mushy love-fest where everybody acts all nice and stuff.

Bleccch, love is booooo–rrrring!

Tags: Conservatives, CPAC, Jim DeMint, LGBT, Republicans