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Joe Arpaio
  • One Night in a Field with Sheriff Joe Arpaio

    Rock the Red North Carolina signsWhile Democrats mingled on the floor of the Time Warner Cable Arena Wednesday evening, swapping non-blue-dress-related memories of those halcyon Clinton years, another convention of sorts was unfolding in a field 20 miles away. This was "Rock the Red," an evening of speeches, music and comedy–intentional and un–held at a farm south of downtown Charlotte, which locals call Uptown. Nothing makes sense any more.

    This being North Carolina the event menu featured barbecue and cornbread, and this being conservatives' counterprogramming to the DNC, there was also a personal pizza option with "NOBAMA pepperoni" topping.

    Over the course of several hours a cavalcade of talent took to the stage and/or a pile of hay bales in front of the stage: North Carolina House Speaker Thom Tillis (who said of the DNC: "It's kinda like roadkill–you try not to look, but you can't help looking at it"); Alan Wilson, South Carolina Attorney General and son of Rep. Joe "You lie!" Wilson; Dan Forest, son of terrorism expert Rep. Sue Myrick and candidate for North Carolina Lieutenant Governor; and Jim Martin, chairman of 60 Plus, the seniors' group for those who cannot tolerate the AARP's fanatic agenda. The AARP is so far-left it even gave Harry Belafonte an award–"Belafonte, who hobnobs with Ahmadinejad," said Martin, proving conclusively that "Belafonte, who hobnobs with Ahmadinejad" is a ton of fun to say.

    But the star of the night, the attraction that shone even brighter than the brief stand-up set by the guy who played Benny on Home Improvement, was none other than Joe "Sheriff Joe" Arpaio, America's Ego-est Sheriff, the Brazen Self-Promoter of Maricopa County.

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    Tags: Democratic National Convention, Joe Arpaio, North Carolina, Republicans
  • Sheriff Joe Arpaio's Posse Confirms President Is a Black Guy

    Sheriff Joe Arpaio's crack volunteer detective squad has finished its investigation into the authenticity of Barack Obama's birth certificate and has concluded that the president is definitely black. Also, they claim that the birth certificate is "definitely fraudulent," but let's be real about the subtext of this "investigation."

    What prompted the inevitable finale of this, the crappiest season of CSI: Wingnut Unit ever broadcast? If you guessed "secret codes embedded into the birth certificate," you have officially mind-melded with the Maricopa County Sheriff

    Mike Zullo, the posse's chief investigator, said numeric codes on certain parts of the birth certificate indicate that those parts weren't filled out, yet those sections asking for the race of Obama's father and his field of work or study were completed.

    Zullo said investigators previously didn't know the meaning of codes but they were explained by a 95-year-old former state worker who signed the president's birth certificate. Zullo said a news reporter who has helped with the probe let investigators listen in on an interview he conducted of the former state worker.

    This investigation inspires so much confidence in the ability of local Arizona police to fairly administer the state's "show us your papers" statute on undocumented immigrants. Faced with repeated confirmations from Hawaii officials that the president was born in Honolulu, Arpaio's squad nevertheless looks beyond the reality to find the deeper truth that the president is blackety black, black and therefore a fraud. I'm sure Hispanic citizens, who don't have the same legal resources as the President of the United States, will have no trouble meeting Arizona's standards for documentation.

    One last coup remains for Arpaio. He really needs to direct his cold case squad to determine whether Arpaio is a real person, or a laboratory experiment created by Democrats to caricature Republicans as unthinking buffoons.

    Photo by Joshua Lott/Getty Images News/Getty Images


    Tags: Arizona, Barack Obama, Birthers, Joe Arpaio
  • Feds Mess with Sheriff Joe Arpaio's No Child Left Behind Deportation Program

    Since real life is increasingly indistinguishable from a preachy Paul Haggis movie devoid of moral nuance, it was inevitable that Barack Obama's announcement of a stay in the deportations of young, law-abiding, undocumented immigrants would be paired with a starkly contrasting story demonstrating why the new policy was necessary.

    The obvious villain in this story would have to be Arizona's Joe Arpaio, the Maricopa County Sheriff whose conscience long ago self-deported to someplace where it wouldn't be constantly abused by corruption and civil rights violations. So it was, that on the same day the president announced a more humane immigration policy, the Arizona Republic reported that "Maricopa County Sheriff Office deputies arrested a 6-year-old suspected illegal immigrant."

    It's all part of Joe Arpaio's unique version of No (Foreign) Child Left Behind (in the United States).

    Of course, after first touting the results of the raid in which the 6-year-old girl was picked up, MCSO officials claimed that the child was not arrested, but taken in to protective custody due to her unaccompanied status. In any case, federal immigration officials do not seem too keen on  deporting the youngster

    ICE released a statement saying only that the child was handed over to the Office of Refugee Resettlement under the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.

    It is common for that agency to place some young migrants with social-services organizations.

    As to where we go from here, allowing more immigrants to come to the United States legally seems like the reasonable thing to do, since there's currently no authorized pathway for the vast majority of potential migrants to come to the United States. But barring that, we should construct a border fence using whatever material is stockaded around Arpaio's soul. That stuff is impenetrable.

    Photo by Joshua Lott/Getty Images News/Getty Images


    Tags: Arizona, Children, Immigration, Joe Arpaio
  • Tweet Untweet: Happy Birtherday

     


    Tags: Barack Obama, Birthers, Donald Trump, Joe Arpaio, Tweet Untweet, Twitter