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Joe Arpaio
  • Joe Arpaio Discovers GOP Link in Obama Birth Certificate Cover-Up

    Gruff Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio — the Orly Taitz of gruff Arizona sheriffs — wants answers! He demands to know why Republican presidential candidates Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum have been ignoring the real pressing issue of the day: Barack Obama's obviously forged birth certificate.

    Though, he's starting to think he might have a clue: It's a conspiracy!

    Maricopa County, Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio is disturbed that the Republican presidential candidates haven't supported his quixotic effort to get to the bottom of President Obama’s birth certificate, and is beginning to wonder if they’re part of the cover up…

    "I've had presidential candidates visit me in my office. I’ve talked to every one of them… I don't see anybody talking about this. I don't see any senators talking about it. But when the mention me, they seem to forget my name. So, isn't that interesting? On both sides of the fence, they don't want to talk about it… How come everybody’s hiding this?"

    Yes, a very good question, Sheriff Arpaio. How come, indeed?! Could it be that the President has bribed them?

    With werewolf money!

    What is werewolf money? Is that something i just made up? Would you use it to buy werewolves themselves or to buy thing for werewolves? And what would Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum need to buy for a werewolf? I don't know… I don't know!

    Look, Sheriff Arpaio and I are just asking questions here. We're not making any actual accusations. We just want to know why nobody is talking about this.

    .

    Related: Arizona Sheriff Declares President's Birth Certificate a Fraud

    Photo by Joshua Lott/Getty Images News/Getty Images


    Tags: Arizona, Barack Obama, Birthers, Conspiracies, Joe Arpaio
  • Meet Vicky Hartzler, the Laziest Birther in Congress

    To date,  Missouri Congresswoman Vicky Hartzler has been best known for comparing same-sex marriage to incest, polygamy and the issuance of driver licenses to 3-year-olds.

    Now, Hartzler is an emerging contender for the title of world's laziest birther, an honor accorded to conspiracy theorists who maximize their nuttery regarding Barack Obama's Hawaiian birth, while minimizing efforts to confirm or deny their theories. Hartzler's comments came after a constituent and a local paper asked for the congresswoman's comments on Sheriff Joe Arpaio's investigation of Obama's origins

    I don't know, I haven't seen it. I'm just at the same place you are on that. You read this, you read that. But I don't understand why he didn't show that right away. I mean, if someone asked for my birth certificate, I'd get my baby book and hand it out and say 'Here it is,' so I don't know.

    I have doubts that it is really his real birth certificate, and I think a lot of Americans do, but they claim it is, so we are just going to go with that.

    Hartzler's press secretary told reportershis boss was merely parroting the views of the people who elected her, and Hartzler herself tried to explain that she was simply stating that "that this issue has been raised by many," but I think this see-no-birth-certificate approach represents a helpful metaphysical breakthrough.

    I, for one, doubt that there really is a person named Vicky Hartzler. You read this, you read that about her comparisons of same-sex marriage to pedophilia. But I don't understand why I haven't seen a Wikipedia entry or a Roll Call profile for her. Granted, I haven't looked for evidence of Hartzler's existence, but if someone asked me if I really existed, I'd go up to them and say 'Here I am,' so I don't know.

    I have doubts that there's someone as awful as Vicky Hartzler out there, and I think a lot of Americans do too, but some of these blog posts claim she exists, so I guess we are just going to go with that.

    .

    Related: Sheriff Joe Arpaio Discovers Massive Conspiracy Against Him

    Photo by Bill Clark/CQ-Roll Call Group/Getty Images


    Tags: Barack Obama, Birthers, Conspiracies, House of Representatives, Joe Arpaio, Missouri, Vicky Hartzler
  • Sheriff Joe Arpaio Discovers Massive Conspiracy Against Him

    Last month, when Maricopa County, Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio held that super important press conference to announce that he had a bunch of "evidence" that could prove that Barack Obama's birth certificate was a fraud, could he have possibly understood the massive risk that he was taking? Could he have known that he was making himself vulnerable to the most diabolical criminal organization that has ever been seen in this fine nation?

    I'm speaking, of course, about the U.S. media

    Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio believes that a media conspiracy "bigger than Watergate" is purposefully downplaying his volunteer posse's investigation of President Barack Obama's birth certificate…

    "The media all came to make fun of me," the sheriff said of his "birther" press conference. "I'm a little concerned that all of their questions were zeroed in on credibility and that this has been rehashed. They didn't even ask about the proof of the case. They didn't ask about the facts that we had."

    Mark my words: This is not the last you'll hear of this. Nay, this is just the beginning of MakeFunOfJoeArpaioGate.

    Photo by Joshua Lott/Getty Images News/Getty Images


    Tags: Arizona, Barack Obama, Birthers, Conspiracies, Joe Arpaio
  • Arizona Sheriff Declares President's Birth Certificate a Fraud

    Six months of tireless labor by Arizona's Sheriff Joe Arpaio and his ragtag team of police officers, centaurs, invisible bigfoots and sentient juggling overcoats have certainly paid off big time

    Sheriff Joe Arpaio of Maricopa County, Arizona, announced Thursday that his six-month investigation had found that "probable cause exists indicating that forgery and fraud may have been committed" in the release of President Obama's long-form birth certificate…

    "Based on all of the evidence, I cannot in good faith report to you these documents are authentic," Arpaio said at a press conference in Phoenix, adding that his "investigators believe that the long form birth certificate was manufactured electronically and that it did not originate in the paper format as presented by the White House."

    Okay, this whole thing may seem, at first glance, to be laughable and mockable — not to mention laughockable — but this was an actual six-month investigation performed by a real taxpayer funded team of trained law enforcement officers. Not just some ridiculous publicity stunt staged by an attention-starved camera hog desperate to hold on to his brief moment of national media attention. Clearly, his department has plenty of genuine evidence in support of these claims.

    All of which I will reproduce here in the following bulleted list…

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    Wow! That is some compelling stuff. Maybe the first and third could be considered hearsay, but all the others are rock solid.

    I sure hope President Obama has a good lawyer, because I don't see how he gets out of this one.

    Photo by Joshua Lott/Getty Images News/Getty Images


    Tags: Arizona, Barack Obama, Birthers, Joe Arpaio
  • Michele Bachmann Calls Sheriff Joe Arpaio a Hero

    When Michele Bachmann loves something, she really, really loves something. Even the most devout fan at Comic Con can't match her geekery when it comes to her own favorite things: fostering kids, hating Barack Obama, and trying her darndest to make gay people feel like sick, worthless human beings.

    Her dogged devotion extends even to impoverished illegal immigrants who risk their lives to come to the US and make $4 an hour raising the rich kids of Republican political candidates. So when Michele Bachmann says she digs Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio, you know she has a statue of him somewhere in her linen closet…

    Michele Bachmann said she considers Sheriff Joe Arpaio "one of my heroes"in a brief news conference the Republican presidential candidate held before meeting with the 79-year-old sheriff on Wednesday afternoon…

    But Arpaio would not commit, saying he had not yet made up his mind which Republican candidate he would support in 2012.

    Oh, quit playing hard to get, Joey! You know the only candidate who can truly match you for irrational anti-immigrant fanaticism is Bachmann. Or…y'know, everyone else but Perry, who is basically already president of a republic that runs on immigrants, legal and otherwise. (Safe to say that when Rick Perry is the only dude in the room with common sense, it's time to get the hell out of that room.)

    Photo by Darren McCollester/Getty Images News/Getty Images


    Tags: Arizona, Immigration, Joe Arpaio, Michele Bachmann, Primaries, Republicans, Rick Perry