John Bolton's Mustache Endorses Mitt Romney

The primary process features a complicated interplay between the maneuvering of party elites and voting by rank-and-file party members.

There are actual primaries and caucuses, in which delegates are allocated. There's the "invisible primary," in which presidential contenders'  fights for prominent endorsements and the support of various interest groups and state party leaders. And then there's the mustache primary, in which candidates compete for the support of former UN Ambassador John Bolton's facial hair…

"Of all the candidates, Mitt Romney possesses the strongest vision for America's leadership role in the world, and I am proud to endorse him," Ambassador Bolton said. "President Obama has sapped America's credibility abroad, weakened our military and failed to lead on issues vital to U.S. national security. President Obama has left America exposed to ever increasing threats. Mitt Romney will restore our military, repair relations with our closest allies, and ensure that no adversary — including Iran — ever questions American resolve."

Those are strong words, John Bolton's mustache. But can it explain exactly what makes President Obama such a sissy?

So I think this is going to a very, very difficult year and I think, honestly, that half-measures like assassinations or sanctions are only going to produce the crisis more quickly. The better way to prevent Iran from getting nuclear weapons is to attack its nuclear weapons program directly, break their control over the nuclear fuel cycle.

Okay, but if this is the direction Mitt Romney is taking his foreign policy, then appointing John Bolton to a position of authority is itself a half-measure. Why go with Bolton when you can have Secretary of Defense Jerry Bruckheimer?

That's why Bolton's mustache is hedging its bets, suggesting a willingness to serve in a Ron Paul Department of Defense (a pretty good sign that Bolton's mustache has metastasized into the portion of Bolton's brain responsible for recognizing the candidates' foreign policy views), even as it implicitly reject Newt Gingrich's offer to serve as Secretary of State. Even 'staches have standards.

Photo by Stephen Chernin/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Tags: Barack Obama, Foreign Policy, Iran, John Bolton, Mitt Romney, Primaries, Republicans, Ron Paul

From the Pork Barrel: John McCain's Sophie's Choice

* John McCain is being forced to choose between a guy he dislikes and a guy he likes dissing.

* Mitt Romney, as it turns out, is unpopular with Fox News viewers, which is to say unpopular with everybody who is voting in the Republican primaries.

* Newt Gingrich reluctantly accepts credit — heaped upon himself by himself — for all of Romney's good fortunes.

* Gingrich promises to wrangle the elusive wild mustache if elected president.

* Rush Limbaugh explodes the myth that Barack Obama has a fondness for the country he was elected to lead. Some people will believe anything, huh?

Photo by Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Tags: Barack Obama, Fox, John Bolton, John McCain, Mitt Romney, Money, Newt Gingrich, Pork Barrel, Primaries, Republicans, Rush Limbaugh

The Daily Show on the Fall of Muammar Qaddafi

I'm gonna have to say that if the news of your violent death causes nationwide celebration in the country you ruled and praise for France from U.S. Republicans, you're probably doing something wrong.

Coverage continues with John Oliver and Libyan Ambassador Ali Suleiman Aujali after the jump.

The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11/10c.

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Tags: Barack Obama, Chuck Grassley, Condoleezza Rice, Fox, Hillary Clinton, John Bolton, John McCain, John Oliver, Jon Stewart, Libya, Marco Rubio, Muammar Qaddafi, Steve Doocy, The Daily Show, Video

Fans of John Bolton's Mustache Upset That John Bolton's Mustache Not Running for President

In the wake of yesterday's awful, soul-crushing news that former U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations and part-time Wilford Brimley impersonator John Bolton and his glorious alabaster mustache have decided against jumping into the race to be the Republican to beat Barack Obama next year, we're all feeling a little unsettled.*

No one though as much as American Mustache Institute chair Aaron Perlut, for whom — one can only imagine — the news is nothing less than devastating…

"Bolton's candidacy would have been a boost to the Mustached American community without question. The last Mustached American President of the United States was William Howard Taft. So indeed, it's been a long time coming and there has been reticence amongst our people to take that leap. That being said, we are hopeful Michelle Bachmann's bleached upper lip gets some attention…

"Mr. Cain's candidacy is indeed a beacon of shining light for our people, much like future New York Governor Jimmy McMillan's candidacy was in the Empire State last year. But, like Bob Barr when he served as the Libertarian Party candidate, the reality is that until Mr. Cain has the nomination of a major party — and he is indeed a viable candidate — we can only dream of a better world."

I had never realized the extent of this country's prejudice against mustachioed-Americans.

Now I think I finally get why all those Tea Partiers are always putting that Charlie Chaplin mustache on Barack Obama.

.

^{* I, myself, had a brief moment of panic when I misread the headline as "Michael Bolton and His Mullet Decide Against Presidential Run." I still hold out hope that the golden-throated one will come to his nation's aid in its hour of need.}

Tags: Bob Barr, Fashion, Herman Cain, John Bolton, Michele Bachmann, Primaries, Republicans, United Nations

Jon Stewart on This War-Type Thing That We're Kind of Not (But Really Totally Are) In

So it goes…

Coverage continues after the jump.

The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11/10c.

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Tags: John Bolton, John McCain, Jon Stewart, Libya, Lindsey Graham, Military, Muammar Qaddafi, The Daily Show, Video