Quote Unquote: Not a Winnable Race

Republican Sen. John Cornyn on Todd Akin's electoral chances…

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"I just think that this is not a winnable race. We have to make tough calculations based on limited resources and where to allocate it, where it will have the best likelihood of electing a Republican senator."

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Also — and don't quote me on this — but I hear that Akin always seems to "forget" his wallet for congressional lunch trips to Applebee's. So, that might be factoring in, too.

Tags: John Cornyn, Money, Quote Unquote, Republicans, Senate, Todd Akin

Rand Paul's Amazing Spectacular Electrified Subterranean Immigrant-Obstructing Balustrade

So, have you heard about Rand Paul's brilliant new idea for keeping illegal Mexican insurgents out of the United States? I gotta say, it's pretty brilliant. I have no idea how nobody has thought of this before…

Republican Senatorial candidate Rand Paul wants to build a fence along the U.S.-Mexico border. It's a rather ho-hum proposition in the larger context of conservative ideas — except that Paul wants that fence to be electric and he wants it built underground.

An underground electric fence! Fucking genius! Of course, not everyone is totally on board the Kentucky senatorial candidate's boat to the future of fool proof homeland security…

"I have not heard that," [Sen. John Cornyn] said. "Underground? What would happen? How would that work?"

That's actually a good question and one that Paul's campaign won't answer. His website says only the following: "My plans include an underground electric fence, with helicopter stations to respond quickly to breaches of the border." The details of how it would be built, what it would take to make it work and how much it would cost are left unanswered.

Really, people. This isn't rocket science. I mean, maybe I'm just visionary like Rand Paul, but I think it's pretty obvious the way one of the underground electric fences would work. Observe…

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Tags: Immigration, John Cornyn, Mexico, Rand Paul, Senate

Charlie Crist Will Not Be Permitted Re-Entry to the Grand Ole Party

Sen. John Cornyn has a staunch warning for Florida Gov. Charlie Crist, who is widely expected to announce his departure from the Republican Party fifteen minutes ago…

"Once you leave the party, you can't come back," Sen. John Cornyn (R-Tex.) told the Huffington Post. "And if he has other aspirations, it's hard to see how that works out."

I see. This party is more like a concert. If you wanna leave to smoke a cigarette, because they won't let you smoke one inside anymore, you won't be able to get back in, even though all your friends and your jacket are still in there. (That's pretty much the best analogy for this situation that there is, or can possibly be, for this situation. Don't you think?)

Oh, but also, your friends are not allowed to answer any of your phone calls, and they have to set your jacket on fire and then spit in your face next time they see you. (Apparently, it's one of those kinds of concerts.)

The Republican Party of Florida has told its members that they will be forbidden from supporting Gov. Charlie Crist if he decides to run as an independent.

In an internal memorandum issued Thursday and provided to CNN, RPOF General Counsel Jason Gonzalez concluded that the "Party Loyalty Oath," Rule 9 of the party's bylaws, would forbid executive committee members from providing "active, public or financial support" to any candidate other than the one with "Republican" next to his or her name on the ballot.

And you'll obviously have to vomit up all the drinks your friends bought for you while you were inside…

Cornyn says he wants contributions he made from his leadership PAC back, and he says other Florida donors are seeking the same. "I think in addition to seeing his coffers depleted" by refunding contributions, Cornyn says, "his ability to raise money as an independent will be dramatically down."

Fun concert. Can't imagine why Crist would even consider leaving.

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Update: Crist left the concert.

Tags: Charlie Crist, Florida, John Cornyn, Republicans, Senate

Jon Stewart Rips Apart Tucker Carlson Yet Again

It's been almost five years since Jon Stewart's famous take-down of Tucker Carlson (and to a lesser extent Paul Begala) on CNN's Crossfire, and many might say Carlson hasn't changed a bit. Well, that's just not fair. As you can see at the 5:12 mark in this clip from last night's Daily Show, Carlson has transformed from a smug, disingenuous, incurious bow-tie-clad buffoon into a smug, disingenuous, incurious, neck-tie-clad buffoon.

The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11pm / 10c.

Tags: Barack Obama, FEMA, Fox, George W. Bush, Glenn Beck, John Cornyn, Jon Stewart, Mike Huckabee, Orrin Hatch, Steve Doocy, The Daily Show, Tucker Carlson, Video

The NRA Fires Back As Republicans Roll Over for Sonia Sotomayor

Despite all their tough filibustery talk, Senate Republicans yesterday threw in their respective towels, clearing Sonia Sotomayor for a quick confirmation vote before Congress recesses on August 7.

The stink of RINO traitorism hung heavy in the air…

"Your judicial record strikes me as pretty much in the mainstream of judicial decision-making," said Sen. John Cornyn, R-Texas. Added Sen. Lindsey Graham, R-S.C.: "You have, as a judge, been generally in the mainstream."

Oh really? Because that is the exact opposite of what scientific research says. When was the last time John Cornyn and Lindsey Grahamnesty set foot in mainstream America, anyway? Well, take heart, Mainstream-Americans. Someone's on your side…

From the outset, the National Rifle Association has respected the confirmation process and hoped for mainstream answers to bedrock questions. Unfortunately, Judge Sotomayor’s judicial record and testimony clearly demonstrate a hostile view of the Second Amendment and the fundamental right of self-defense guaranteed under the U.S. Constitution.

And so the NRA will not be voting for this terrible Constitution-hating judge.

Unless, of course, she proves her commitment to the Second Amendment by making good on her threat to shoot Tom Coburn.

Tags: Guns, John Cornyn, Lindsey Graham, NRA, Sonia Sotomayor, Tom Coburn