Monday's Links: Patton Oswalt Is No John Edwards

* A Patton Oswalt documentary from Thrash Lab.

* Rapper RiFF RaFF roams around Miami's Art Basel.

* Please teach Jimmy Fallon how to Dougie, FLOTUS!

* Graduates have so many choices nowadays, including becoming Pope.

* Seth MacFarlane was almost killed by Al Qaeda, and other weird Oscar trivia.

* Part two of Neil deGrasse Tyson's StarTalk with Sarah Silverman and Jim Gaffigan.

* Splitsider looks at cultural awkwardness in the Zhou dynasty.

* The First Lady's shoulders were not to be the first lady shoulders shown on Iranian television.

Tags: al Qaeda, California, China, Daily Links, Iran, John Edwards, Miami, Michelle Obama, Patton Oswalt, Seth MacFarlane

Lance Armstrong vs. John Edwards: Who Has Fared Worse?

Ah, the summer of 2007. Simpler times. When two dudes could ride together in The Des Moines Register's Annual Great Bicycle Ride Across Iowa without anyone thinking the resulting photograph would be hilarious. Today, the only argument is about who has fallen further.

Consider the fall of Edwards: On June 7, 2007, John Edwards gave a speech accepting the National Father's Day Council's Father of the Year Award. On February 27, 2008, Frances Quinn Hunter was born.

On July 25, 2007 Edwards staged the above photo-op with Armstrong, which also happened to mark the only time Edwards has actually sweated like a millworker, and was well on his way to a second-place finish in the Democratic Iowa Caucus. By April 2012, he was facing a federal indictment and a 3% favorability rating.

But then there's Armstrong: One day, he's an inspiration to millions and one of the most storied and dominant athletes in history. Today, he's being forced to admit he knows what channel the Oprah Winfrey Network is on. The winner of the disgrace-stakes is clear. Congrats, Lance. Enjoy winning this one thing you won without taking drugs.

Previously
13 Ways John Edwards Can Win Back America 
Tips for Dating John Edwards

Photo by David Lienemann/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Tags: Drugs, John Edwards, Lance Armstrong, Oprah Winfrey

From the Pork Barrel: John Edwards for President

* The Onion endorses John Edwards for President! (This matters about as much as the Salt Lake Tribune's Obama endorsement.)

* Hispanic voters may decide the outcome in three important swing states. Good thing Romney had his son speak in Spanish at the convention. The electoral votes are as good as his!

* I worked really really hard on a joke for this story, so I hope you like it.

* Marriage equality is looking pretty safe in Maryland. If only Omar were around to see this.

* Download our free iPhone and iPad app Indecision Election Companion and jump up into the the Peanut Gallery — our liveblog/instant reaction arena — to watch and respond as Sen. Marco Rubio appears on NBC's Meet the Press Sunday morning at 10:30 am (EST).

Photo by Sara D. Davis/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Tags: Barack Obama, John Edwards, LGBT, Marco Rubio, Marriage Equality, Maryland, Meet the Press, Mitt Romney, Pork Barrel, The Onion

Exclusive: Roseanne Roasts Politicians [VIDEO]

You know that Roseanne Barr brought us a legendary, award-winning sitcom. You know she ran for the Green Party presidential nomination this year, and you know she's the next Comedy Central Roastee.

But did you know she has a few things she'd like to say to the folks who run our country? Watch out, Washington–it's time to get an earful from the original domestic policy goddess.

Brace yourselves for the #RoseanneRoast, coming to Comedy Central on Aug. 12, 10/9c. Follow CCRoasts on Tumblr for more Roast news!

Related: Green Party convention live coverage

Tags: Barack Obama, Chris Christie, Hillary Clinton, John Edwards, Mitt Romney, Ron Paul, Roseanne Barr

Tips for Dating John Edwards

John Edwards — the not-quite-guilty-enough subject of a recent federal investigation – and his mistress/baby mama/dead-wife disparager/destroyer-of-worlds Rielle Hunter have officially split up, which means there's yet another unemployed bad boy in our dating pool, ladieeeeees!

If you're able to catch this eligible bachelor's eye (Hint: Get within five feet of him), here are some important dating tips…

* Take it slow. Edwards may be a little vulnerable after everything he's gone through. Being single may be hard for him at first. After all, being married and having sex with every woman who hits on you is a lot different from being single and having sex with every woman who hits on you.

* Expect him to revert. Maybe things will go well on the first date and then boom, you're dry humping behind a plant in the hotel lobby where you met five minutes ago. Don't be upset if he whispers in your ear that if you get pregnant, you'll need to say the hotel concierge is the father. Old dogs usually only know one trick.

* Stay casual. If things get serious, Edwards may try to buy you an apartment or a car or therapist. Don't accept any of these gifts. Not because you don't need them. You do. Especially the last one. But so does he. Or rather, his children will.

* Don't get jealous. This man is a politician. It's part of his job to crinkle those pretty blue eyes at anything that makes his pants feel tight. Well, he used to be a politician. The only job he could get now is Italian Prime Minister. Maybe President of France.

* Finally, have fun while it lasts, because it won't. Bad boys never stay, and when they leave there's usually something to remember them by, like a baby or an STD. Or, if you're lucky, a book deal.

Photo by Kevin Winter/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Tags: Elizabeth Edwards, John Edwards, Rielle Hunter