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John Edwards
  • Tweet Untweet: He Has It Coming


    Tags: Elizabeth Edwards, John Edwards, Rielle Hunter, Tweet Untweet, Twitter
  • 13 Ways John Edwards Can Win Back America

    John Edwards may be out of the woods, trial-wise, but he's still a long way from finding redemption in the eyes of the American people. Achieving that will be hard, but not impossible. Here's how he can begin the process…

    1. Remind everyone that he’s still more charismatic than his 2004 running mate.

    2. Start hanging out with Newt Gingrich, Tom DeLay and Charlie Rangel, to give himself the appearance of ethical-ness by comparison.

    3. Release a fragrance called Eau de Son of a Millworker; appear on billboards covered only in bolts of textile.

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    Tags: John Edwards
  • John Edwards Relieved to Learn Smarminess Isn't a Crime

    If nothing else, John Edwards is certainly guilty of Douchebaggery in the First Degree. Unfortunately for prosecutors, that's not a recognized charge in the United States federal justice system. Maybe they should have tried him in the other America he kept going on about…

    Former presidential candidate John Edwards was found not guilty on one charge and a jury was unable to decide on five other counts alleging he used illegal campaign contributions to hide an extramarital affair.

    A federal jury of four women and eight men in Greensboro, North Carolina, yesterday found Edwards not guilty of one count of violating campaign finance laws. On that charge, the government alleged that in January 2008, about the same time he withdrew from the campaign, Edwards knowingly accepted more money from campaign donor Rachel "Bunny" Mellon than was allowed by law.

    U.S. District Judge Catherine Eagles declared a mistrial on the five other counts. The Justice Department isn't likely to retry Edwards, said a person familiar with the matter who wasn't authorized to discuss the case publicly and didn't want to be identified.

    Sadly for Edwards, any kind of personal redemption he'll reap from this mistrial is unlikely to include a political comeback. But on the bright side, he'll be able to trot out  a whole series of new pick up lines, "This jury isn't the only thing that's hung, am I right ladies?"

    Photo by Steve Exum/Getty Images News/Getty Images


    Tags: John Edwards, Judiciary, Money
  • Tweet Untweet: Secretly Serviced

     


    Tags: John Edwards, Secret Service, Tweet Untweet, Twitter
  • John Edwards' Trial Refuses to End Ever

    John Edwards

    The big news story this afternoon was supposed to be that we finally have a verdict in the John Edwards trial, alas, that is not to be.

    So, instead, the big news story this afternoon is that we do not have a big news story this afternoon

    The jury has reached a verdict on one of six counts in the trial of former Sen. John Edwards. The judge has sent the jury back on the remaining counts. It has not been announced what verdict the jury reached on the single count…

    The jury of eight men and four women was in its ninth day of deliberations Thursday on six felony charges he faced stemming from the scheme.

    I guarantee that the cable news channels will do just as good a job at covering the shit out of this new and improved news story.

    Photo by Steve Exum/Getty Images News/Getty Images


    Tags: John Edwards, Judiciary, Money