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John Hagee
  • Safely Elected, Barack Obama Can Start Skipping Church Again

    Presidential elections in our country tend to put greater emphasis on church attendance than, say, international nuclear proliferation. And this year was no exception, with pastors like Jeremiah Wright and John Hagee getting far more press exposure than actual presidential candidates like Tom Vilsack and Jim Gilmore.

    No one knew this better than Barack Obama, whose campaign nearly collapsed under the weight of Wright's controversial sermons and God-awful JFK impersonation. The Illinois Senator felt forced to drop out of Wright's church and bounce between a number of other ones between late April and Election Day.

    But now that he won, he can finally drop that whole act

    President-elect Barack Obama has yet to attend church services since winning the White House earlier this month, a departure from the example of his two immediate predecessors.

    On the three Sundays since his election, Obama has instead used his free time to get in workouts at a Chicago gym.

    Indeed, there are few place you're more likely to find Obama than not in church. Recall, if you will, the controversy surrounding Wright's "God damn America" sermon. Obama claims to have never heard Wright utter those words. Why?

    Because he didn't attend church that day.

    And where was Obama when Hagee declared that Hitler was sent by God to herd the Jews to Israel? Hypocritically playing basketball perhaps.

    Come to think of it, Obama has also been neglecting his obligations to secretly attend a mosque and secretly pray toward Mecca five times per day ever since the day he was born!

    What a disappointment.  Doesn't Obama realize that religious zealots make by far the most entertaining presidents?  The man hasn't even taken office, and already he's making Dick Cheney look like Jimmy Swaggart at a pentacostal tent revival.

    Tags: Barack Obama, Christianity, Dick Cheney, Jeremiah Wright, Jim Gilmore, John Hagee, Tom Vilsack
  • Meet Sarah Palin's Joke Writer: Pastor Hagee

    As the nation already agreed while you were in the bathroom, the highlight of Sarah Palin's acceptance speech last Wednesday was her no-holds-barred, irreverent wisecrack on the topic of national security and the economy in general…

    "You know, they say, the difference between a Hockey Mom and a pit bull? Lipstick."

    Whether you watched the speech from your foreclosed home or from a bunker in Iraq, you know you loved that joke. But, you're thinking, with all the time Palin spends mothering five children and applying for $197 million in federal earmarks, surely she can't have time to write her own jokes!

    Right you are. So enter Pastor John Hagee

    Sarah Palin's now famous "lipstick" joke from her acceptance speech Wednesday night is generating lots of buzz in Democratic circles and the liberal blogosphere. Not because of how funny it was, but because of its similarity to another (in)famous one-liner delivered by controversial evangelical pastor John Hagee.

    Hagee's joke, found in his book What Every Man Wants in a Woman, goes like this

    "Do you know the difference between a woman with PMS and a snarling Doberman pinscher? The answer is lipstick."

    Now you might find it strange that Palin would lift a joke from a man who professed both that God sent Hurricane Katrina to stop a gay pride parade and that Hitler was put on Earth to herd the Jews to Israel. But you have to consider the situation.

    Surely Palin wasn't going to let Joe Biden have all the plagiarizing fun in this campaign. And her running mate, John McCain, got on the Hagee bandwagon a full year ago, as part of his nationwide spree on right-wing demagogues.

    So her humor source was an apt one, yet Palin must understand a simple fact before proceeding much further:

    The basest levels of whoring out to Hagee are already reserved for Joe Lieberman.

    (via The Washington Post Sleuth)

    Tags: Joe Biden, John Hagee, Sarah Palin
  • Texas Burning!


    Join former United States Senate Pages Dylan and Ethan Ris as they bring you the dish on not just the presidential race but all the exciting triumphs and disgraces inside, outside, and below the Beltway!

    Although the Rev. John Hagee told us that it only happened to heathens who engaged in premarital backrubs, it appears that disaster has fallen upon none other than Texas Governor Rick Perry!

    Yes indeed, the official Governor's Mansion in Austin caught fire and burned on Sunday, leaving Perry (R) homeless. And while the hobos at the Fort Worth freight depot quickly mobilized to secure a discarded refrigerator carton for the Governor, a better bet is that Perry will crash with fellow Governor Jim Gibbons (R-NV) at his swinging Reno bachelor pad!

    Now, in case you were making plans to visit the Governor in the Austin hospital's burn unit, you can breathe a sigh of relief since Perry was in France at the time of the blaze. Apparently he was there to convince the French to import more Texas-made products, such as brake pads and mechanically-separated chicken — the same excuse Benjamin Franklin used for his many visits to the land of snails!

    Back in Texas, state fire officials suspect arson caused the blaze, and the list of suspects is long, including:

    * Congressman and Presidential Candidate Ron Paul (R-TX), who is angry at Perry for traveling to Turkey and breaking something called the "Logan Act."

    * Angry Texas parents, who take offense to Perry’s campaign to vaccinate sixth graders against genital warts.

    * God, in spite of Perry's agreement with the Rev. Hagee that non-Christians are "going straight to hell with a nonstop ticket."

    * The same faulty television set that committed an almost-identical crime in 1983 and was recently released on parole by a liberal activist judge.

    One name we can cross off the list of suspects is hard rocker Ted Nugent, a personal friend of Perry's. "The Motor City Madman" was the featured performer at Perry's 2007 inaugural ball, during which he wore a confederate flag t-shirt, swung an AK-47 over his head, and instructed non-English speakers to "get the fuck out of America."

    Given this personal history, insiders say the Governor views Nugent as a shoulder to cry on. In fact, when Perry collapses in tears at the sight of his charred mansion, we expect the only antidote will be the Nuge's gentle refrain of Perry's favorite love song, "Wang Dang, Sweet Poontang."

    Tags: Benjamin Franklin, Congressional Confidential, France, Jim Gibbons, John Hagee, Rick Perry, Ron Paul, Ted Nugent, Texas
  • Joementum for Pastor Hagee


    Join former United States Senate Pages Dylan and Ethan Ris as they bring you the dish on not just the presidential race but all the exciting triumphs and disgraces inside, outside, and below the Beltway!

    Item! The Pages have exciting news for all our readers attending the Reverend John Hagee's "Christians United for Israel Conference" next month! There will be a special guest speaker in attendance, and no, it's not hunky faith-rocker Scott Stapp. It's the Senate's gift to facial droop, Joe Lieberman (I-CT)!

    Now if Pastor Hagee knows three things about God, it's that the Man Upstairs sent Hurricane Katrina to New Orleans to stop a gay pride parade, Hitler to Europe to herd the Jews toward Israel, and now Joe Lieberman to the D.C. Convention Center to pack Hagee's own conference like The Great Whore on Christmas Eve!

    And true to prophecy, Joe has agreed to headline the event, where he's slated to roll up in his Joemobile PT Cruiser, chastise Barack Obama, advocate the bombing of Iran, and lead the audience through a rendition of "Let's Go Joe!", the theme song to his three-way tie for third place in the 2004 New Hampshire Primary!

    If there's one person who could benefit from some eleventh hour Joementum right about now, it's Hagee, who was recently given the Jeremiah Wright treatment by Senator John McCain. Enter Lieberman, an acclaimed Wall Street Journal editorialist, a new media pioneer with YouTube, and the author of's 2,787,833rd bestselling book, which is a thorough and passionate discourse on the topic of — you guessed it — himself!

    All of which leads the Pages to an appeal. We're asking for one or more of our readers to sponsor us with a scholarship to this conference, so that we can personally cheer Joe on during his keynote address. We had originally intended to get in by winning Pastor Hagee's student film contest, but then lawyers informed us that our movie idea had already been taken by Mel Gibson.

    So to make our dream a reality, please send any love offerings to the Senate Page Rapture Fund, courtesy of this website!

    Tags: Barack Obama, Congressional Confidential, Joe Lieberman, John Hagee, John McCain, Mel Gibson
  • John McCain Voids John Hagee from the Bowels of His Campaign

    Years from now, people will look back on the 2008 presidential election and say, "Wasn't that the one in which the candidates spent all time debating important issues of foreign policy and the finer points of economic stimuli?"

    And then other people will say, "No. I don't know which election you're talking about. 2008 was the one with all the wacky preachers."

    In the face of mounting controversy over headline-grabbing statements from Pastor John Hagee, CNN has learned presumptive Republican nominee John McCain has decided to reject his endorsement…

    "Obviously, I find these remarks and others deeply offensive and indefensible, and I repudiate them. I did not know of them before Reverend Hagee's endorsement, and I feel I must reject his endorsement as well," McCain said in a statement to CNN Thursday.

    Repudiate and reject. Check? But does he renounce, deny, disacknowledge, disavow, disclaim and disown them?

    Okay, this is actually kind of nice. Now McCain and Barack Obama have some common ground on which they can build a mutually respectful, intelligent and nuanced conversation about valid issues like–

    He added that his relationship with Hagee did not compare with Obama's lengthy association with Rev. Jeremiah Wright. "I have said I do not believe Senator Obama shares Reverend Wright's extreme views. But let me also be clear, Reverend Hagee was not and is not my pastor or spiritual advisor, and I did not attend his church for twenty years. I have denounced statements he made immediately upon learning of them, as I do again today," said McCain.

    What was I saying? Nevermind.

    Say, what's that wacky preacher have to say about all this?

    In a statement released before McCain rejected his endorsement, Hagee said his words had been taken out of context. "The intentional mischaracterization of my statements by an Internet journalist seeking to use me as a political football in the upcoming presidential race is a gross example of bias at its worst. I will not stand idly by while my character is assassinated and my views on the Holocaust are grossly distorted."

    Yes! God damn America! God damn America for doing that to such a fine man.

    McCain decided to go ahead and rejects the endorsement of that "Islam is an anti-Christ religion" wacky preacher guy, for good measure.

    Maybe this is all a good thing. Maybe this is all helping to finally separate church and state; it's just becoming a hazard for politicians to accept endorsements from religious leaders. And I don't see religious leaders stopping saying idiotic things that offend somebody or other anytime soon. If they did, they wouldn't be religious leaders.

    Tags: Barack Obama, Jeremiah Wright, John Hagee, John McCain