John Kerry Is Boring in Every Language

Secretary of State John "Human Ambien" Kerry's facility with French is well-known, even if he keeps his cunning linguistics hidden when he's on American soil.

But did you know he spoke German?

Kerry: [in German] Very good, thank you. All is well. Your shoes are fantastic, yes? [...] No, no, I can only speak a little German. But I would say, it is wonderful to be back herein Berlin. Thank you. And now I will speak in English because it's easier. [end of German]

And Italian?

Kerry thanked Prime Minister Mario Monti in Italian for his "spirit of friendship."

And Norwegian!?

[Kerry] won praise from his Norwegian counterpart Espen Barth Eide, who said after talks at the State Department that Kerry "can even speak quite impressively Norwegian phrases."

Eide added, "Secretary Kerry made a very good poi– Zzzzzzzzzzzz…"

Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images News/Getty Images

John Kerry Invents a New Country [VIDEO]

With Hillary Clinton racking up a record number of frequent-flyer miles during her stint as Secretary of State, there's almost no way for John Kerry to visit more countries than she did. Unless he invents some new ones! Perhaps his first destination will be "Kyrzakhstan," a country Kerry invented while thanking U.S. diplomats for their work in -stan-ridden Central Asia.

Some things you may not know about Kyrzakhstan:

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7 Signs Hillary Clinton Will Run in 2016

When John Kerry replaces Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State later today and the era of Texts from Hillary gives way to Interminable Faxes from Kerry, it will be the first time in 7,317 days that a Clinton has not occupied a federal office. A great many people in the media cannot bear this thought, but fear not. There is no shortage of evidence that she'll run again in 2016.

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Thursday's Links: Cycling's New Star

Miss U Already: Scott Brown

In which we take a look back at the departing federal lawmakers we'll miss most in 2013.

Name: Sen. Scott Brown (R-MA)

Age: 53

Terms: 1

Leaving Congress Because: Defeated; too sexy?

Best Known For: This, a thousand times, this. But also a tasteless joke about a curling iron and Martha Coakley's butt.

Memorable Quote: "Each and every day that I've been a United States senator, I've been either discussing issues, meeting on issues, and secret meetings with kings and queens and prime ministers and business leaders and military leaders."

Greatest Accomplishment: Teaching us that the tomahawk chop is even more offensive outside a baseball stadium than inside one.

Why We'll Miss Him: Who else is going to pose for tasteful full-frontals on the Senate floor?

What He's Doing Next: Whispering "John Kerry for Secretary of State" into a severed pig ear, burying the pig ear, digging up the pig ear as soon as he sees a shooting star, then stringing the pig ear around a pigeon's neck. Wherever the pigeon lands, Brown will call the White House from his cellphone, saying "John Kerry" over and over again until President Obama hangs up. He will do this every day.

What the Future Holds for Him: Riding his pickup truck through the doors of his new Senate home when he takes over for Secretary of State Kerry. Realizes there is no such thing as a Senate home (when they're in D.C. they live in apartments, where they can do whatever without their wives knowing). Backs up slowly, and returns to one of his six houses.

Previously
Miss U Already: Ron Paul

Photo by Suzanne Kreiter/Boston Globe/Getty Images