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John Kerry
  • John Kerry to Be Named Secretary of Lost Dreams

    John KerryThere's a reason that John Kerry was chosen to play Mitt Romney in President Obama's debate practice earlier this year. The two share many qualities.

    Both men are gangly awkward quasi-liberal Massachusetts millionaires who lack the capacity to speak to fellow members of the human species. That's a given. But it's also a little too obvious. To really see what they have in common you have to look deeper. Into their souls. Into their hopes and dreams and greatest desires.

    And then, once you've found that one shimmering achievement, the one thing for which they've been pining more than anything else, watch as President Obama slaps it from their grasp with a loud resounding "Denied!"

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    Tags: Department of Defense, John Kerry
  • John Kerry Becomes an Altitude Truther

    Though national polls have stabilized recently, Democrats are still wondering what drove Barack Obama to flounder at the first presidential debate in Denver, Colorado. As the surrogate tasked with portraying Mitt Romney during the Obama's prep sessions, perhaps John Kerry has special insight into what went wrong for the president

    Asked whether it surprised him that Obama gave such a lackluster performance in his first debate with Romney, Kerry said, "He knows he had a bad night. He just had a bad night… I personally really do believe that the altitude may have had something to do with it."

    With that, Kerry became the second prominent Democrat, after Al Gore, to subscribe to the thin-air theory. And though neither of them are doctors, I think we should trust Gore and Kerry to diagnose altitude sickness.

    After all, fatigue, listlessness and drowsiness are all symptoms Kerry and Gore have seen over and over again, in people who have been exposed to them for any length of time.

    Photo by Andrew Burton/Getty Images News/Getty Images


    Tags: Al Gore, Barack Obama, Colorado, Health, John Kerry
  • 9 Ways in Which Mitt Romney Is John Kerry

    As mentioned earlier, the Democratic Party seems intent on turning Mitt Romney in John Kerry in the run-up to the big election in November. But how much work will that actually take? According to my estimates, not very much at all. In fact, i a lot of ways, they're already the same person…

    1. They were both for things before they were against them.
    For Kerry, it was the war in Iraq. For Romney, it's pretty much everything else.

    2. They'll both be spending a lot of time this fall debating Barack Obama.
    Mitt Romney is sooo the new John Kerry, that the Democrats are actually getting the old new John Kerry (a.k.a. John Kerry) to stand in for Mitt Romney in Obama's practice debates.

    3. They are both wealthier than you can even wrap your head around.
    Between him and his wife, the Kerrys are probably worth more than $750 million. However, without any money from his wife, Mitt Romney is estimated to be worth around $250 million, making him the third richest person to ever even try to be president.

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    Tags: John Kerry, Massachusetts, Mitt Romney
  • Democrats Trying to Turn Mitt Romney into John Kerry

    In 2004, Democrats learned a valuable lesson: No matter how bad of a job the incumbent is doing, no matter how global catastrophes he's steered our nation into, no matter how bad the economy is doing or how high he's raised the national debt above his predecessor, he's still better than John Kerry!

    Eight years ago, that was a hard lesson to learn. But they did learn it, and now — to quote the great philosopher Tracy Jordan — it would appear the master has become the manatee

    Mitt Romney is getting the full John Kerry treatment on national security — and some top Republicans are alarmed by what they see as his ham-handed response to it.

    Romney — whose convention speech didn’t include a salute to the troops or a reference to Afghanistan, where about 75,000 Americans are still at war — is getting hit almost daily now by Democratic attacks that he is wobbly and therefore untrustworthy on national security…

    Retired Army Gen. Wesley Clark, an Obama surrogate, said Monday that the GOP nominee's approach has been "unbecoming of someone who wants to become commander in chief." Clark was building on a very personal critique of Romney that started with Kerry himself at last week's Democratic convention and was quickly followed by Vice President Joe Biden and then President Barack Obama.

    What? Even John Kerry is getting in on the "Mitt Romney is John Kerry" thing? Does he even know what the plan is? Somehow, I think probably not.

    I'm guessing he's walking around saying stuff like, "Haha! We're going to turn him into a big ineffectual-looking buffoon! A big gangly buffoon, with a ridiculous chin and absolutely no charisma! Hey, how'd you guys ever come up with this idea anyway?"

    (Mitt Romney image via shortformblog)


    Tags: Democrats, John Kerry, Mitt Romney