Hillary Clinton Is Totally Going to Be the Next Supreme Court Appointee, Totally

Well, the SCOTUS rumors have already started to fly, and a lot of them are kind of silly. But this one here from Sen. Orrin Hatch is one that's so serious and so not-any-kind-of-conservative-shit-stirring that I hesitate to even call it a rumor at all…

Sen. Orrin Hatch says he's heard Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton's name mentioned in connection with the Supreme Court vacancy brought about by the retirement of Justice John Paul Stevens.

Hatch didn't elaborate in an interview Monday. Appearing with Senate Judiciary Committee Chairman Patrick Leahy on NBC's "Today" show, the Utah Republican said only, "I heard Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton's name today and that would be an interesting person in the mix."

Hillary Clinton? Hmmmm… That would be an interesting person in the mix. Do you know whose I heard today? William Ayers. (Just now, when I was reading aloud as I typed.) I think that would be an interesting person in the mix.

Oh, and Michael Moore. That would also be an interesting person in the mix.

What about that fat transvestite from all those John Waters movies? Is she still alive? Who cares, doesn't matter. She would be a very interesting person in the mix.

Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens Forces Lazy Indecision Blogger to Come Up with Second Angle on Retirement in One Day

Looks like it's Liberal Retirement Day all up in this joint today. First Rep. Bart "Baby Killah" Stupak, and now longtime Supreme Court Justice and Led Zeppelin bassist, John Paul Stevens…

Justice John Paul Stevens, the longest-serving member of the current Supreme Court and the leader of its liberal wing, announced his retirement today, giving President Obama his second chance to make a mark on the nation's highest court.

Yes, what an amazing opportunity Justice Stevens has given to the President. Just think about it! The chance to have every available moment of the next several months spent in an face-scratching, eyeball-poking Ultimate Fighting battle with congressional Republicans as the nation heads into a particularly harrowing midterm election.

Can't you just heat the giddiness in his voice even through this statement?

Obama said Stevens was a "brilliant" jurist and he hailed his appointment by former President Gerald Ford in the months after the Watergate scandal. The president said Stevens had "worn the judicial robe with honor and humility."

Translation: Fuck! Shit fuck goddamn shit fuck! Shit! (You really gotta pay close attention to the subtext.)

The Onion: Supreme Court Justices Keep Citing Cases Roberts and Alito Are Too Young to Remember

Wet-behind-the-ears SCUTUS justices Johnny Roberts, 54, and Li'l Sammy Alito have supposedly been catching hell from their older, more experiences co-justices…

"One time—one time—I asked what World-Wide Volkswagen v. Woodson was, and Stevens goes off on this tear about me still being in diapers when Earl Warren was inventing Miranda rights," Alito said of the 88-year-old justice appointed by President Gerald Ford.

"God, sorry I didn't get my law degree before World War I, geez."

Ah, these young punks coming into the Supreme Court these days. What do they know from interpreting controversial matters of Constitutional Law?

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