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Juan Williams
  • FOX News Liveblog!

    10:42 EST I have decided to abandon my liveblog and watch "The Daily Show." I highly suggest you do the same.

    10:40 EST Alleged once and future Sikh Nikki Haley is now the Princess of South Carolina. May the streets run with she-crab soup, benne wafers, and hush puppies!

    10:30 EST Oh hey guys, Bristol got saved AGAIN on "Dancing With The Stars," even though she is not good at dancing. There really IS no glass ceiling.

    10:22 EST Sarah Palin and Geraldine Ferraro are on camera together "for the first time EVER." Boners across the nation, previously only at half-mast, are now fully engorged.

    10:12 EST When anyone on FOX says "race flip," I giggle a little bit. In a racist way.

    10:06 EST I wonder how Greta Van Susteren's old face feels when it sees her new face on TV. I bet it's spent the last several years drinking a lot of beer and doing a lot of thinking.

    10:05 EST I thought one of my coworkers was huffing, but really he was just breathing deeply. FOX News has begun to induce hallucinations, apparently.

    10:01 EST McCain beat the guy with the Jewish-sounding name. There's a fucking shock, in Arizona.

    9:55 EST I feel completely non-threatened by Juan Williams right now.

    9:50 EST I haven't watched FOX News for so long on purpose since…since…since ever. Since fucking ever. Full disclosure: I do like to booze with some of their classier employees on occasion. Fuller disclosure: I wish I were drunk right now.

    9:47 EST Well, this is basically going exactly the way everyone expected.

    9:27 EST "FOX News can make a few more House calls for you." TEE HEE! Who came up with that piece of branding genius? The answer is: not Megyn Kelly.

    9:22 EST Senator-elect Manchin has a full-on case of Clinton Rasp. When he said, "We never thought we would lose our dear Senator Byrd," weren't you kind of like, "Umm…but we totally did?"

    9:19 EST FOX projects that Republicans will take control of the House. This is unlike every statement FOX News has made since Obama was elected in 2008.

    9:17 EST Is it sexist to say that Megyn Kelly's voice does not match her face or the spelling of her first name? She sounds like she enjoys the occasional cigarette, or perhaps a nice glass of whiskey. Yet I will still argue that CNN's Wolf Blitzer is a far sexier beast than this much-adored M. Kelly.

    9:13 EST Sarah Palin says this is a shake-up and an earthquake. I say she is a genius and quite possibly a messianic figure. She is Kali, Mother-Destroyer. Who's with me?!

    9:10 EST Rand Paul just quoted Thomas Jefferson. Doesn't Paul know Jefferson had a taste for the hot cocoa? That's not gonna play well with the Tea Party faithful!

    9:09 EST "The system that protects capitalism." Because capitalism is really in danger of being mowed over by a system that gives a shit about human health and happiness.

    9:07 EST I just hope Rand Paul doesn't hang himself by his bedsheets ever.

    9:06 EST Rand Paul sounds like a game show host announcer man dude person.

    9:05 EST RAND'S ON! RAND'S ON! RAND'S ON! Do you think Ron is wicked pissed that his boy has fully stolen the spotlight and is totally a Big Winner?!


    8:51 EST I've enjoyed saying "Brit Hume" out loud since the mid-90s, and I'm not going to stop enjoying it now. "Brit Hume." "Brit Hume." Brit Hume." Mmmm, tell me again what that name is? "Brit." "HUME."

    8:33 EST Megyn Kelly says FOX is predicting that Tom Perriello lost in Virginia. O'Bammerz campaigned for him last week, but even the charm of the Prince of Awesome (2007-08) was not enough to save young (middle-aged) Thomas.

    8:27 EST "And coming up: Charles Krauthammer, Newt Gingrich, and more from our panel." If you aren't masturbating right now, then you are unlike me in one extremely important way.

    8:17 EST OH SHIT! Who the fuck is playing guitar onstage for Rand Paul? Is it Jesus Christ himself, or the Aqua Buddha? Regardless, something non-funky is happening on that stage.

    8:16 EST They keep referring to Christine O'Donnell as having lost. I'm holding out hope. I don't care what any of these so-called "FOX talking heads" say.

    8:11 EST O'Reilly appears! FUCK YEAH! These other jerks love Papa Bear. He is their spiritual leader. He said of Alan Grayson, "I expect Arianna Huffington ta hire dis clown." Does he not know that the Huffington Post is essentially a mostly-unpaid Livejournal for boring people?

    8:01 EST FOX just "claimed" that Chris Coons is "defeating" Christine O'Donnell. THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS WILL SAY ANYTHING TO MAKE LITTLE GIRLS CRY. Christine will triumph, because she is the best candidate for the job of president of third grade.

    7:58 EST "There are more older, white people coming out to vote." Oh Juan Williams, you do it to me every time you open that sexxxay mouth.

    Hi all! Since Eugene is liveblogging CNN, I've decided to spend some time curled up with FOX News here at Comedy Central HQ. Fueled by saltwater taffy, soda, and pizza, I'll keep you up to date on all the most magical things that happen on FOX.

    Read More »

    Tags: Fox, Juan Williams, Karl Rove, Liveblog, Sara Benincasa
  • NPR Fires Juan Williams, Sadly Not for Simply Being Juan Williams

    You may know Juan Williams as a commentator for National Public Radio. But, it's much more likely that you know him as that supposedly liberal guy who's always on Fox News protecting Bill O'Reilly's massive ego from the slings and arrows of outrageous liberals.

    Well, now it's looking like Williams might have taken an arrow right to the head

    The move came after Mr. Williams, who is also a Fox News political analyst, appeared on the "The O'Reilly Factor" on Monday. On the show, the host, Bill O'Reilly, asked him to respond to the notion that the United States was facing a "Muslim dilemma." Mr. O'Reilly said, "The cold truth is that in the world today jihad, aided and abetted by some Muslim nations, is the biggest threat on the planet." Mr. Williams said he concurred with Mr. O'Reilly.

    Oh, really? A bigger threat than roving packs of feral vegetable-canine hybrids like Carottweilers, Brussel Hounds and Pit Bull Tubers? Huh?! Don't you understand, people?! We've been eating them for years, but now they're coming back to eat us!! It's Judgment Day!!! (Ed Note: In retrospect, it's somewhat possible that I have slightly overstated the threat of wild half-vegetable/half-dog creatures. I wonder if O'Reilly and Williams are similarly guilty.)

    He continued: "I mean, look, Bill, I'm not a bigot."

    I have never in my life heard anybody say anything vaguely similar to this that was not immediately followed by something bigoted.

    "You know the kind of books I’ve written about the civil rights movement in this country."

    Looks like it's gonna be really good!

    "But when I get on the plane, I got to tell you, if I see people who are in Muslim garb and I think, you know, they are identifying themselves first and foremost as Muslims, I get worried. I get nervous."

    Translation: I'm not bigoted. I just have all these bigoted views about a group of people who aren't like me.

    NPR said in its statement that the remarks "were inconsistent with our editorial standards and practices, and undermined his credibility as a news analyst with NPR." The public radio organization said it thanked him for many years of service. Mr. Williams did not immediately respond on Wednesday night to an e-mail seeking comment.

    Look, I know there's a lot of opinions being shot back and forth all across the Internet today over this, so there's no real dearth of pontificating out there. But, I'd like to state my feelings about this briefly. I don't think that NPR should have fired Juan Williams now, over this.

    I think they should have fired him years ago for being the worst.

    Tags: Bill O'Reilly, Fox, Islam, Juan Williams, NPR, Religion
  • SNL's Fair and Balanced Fox News Election Night Sketch

    I usually don't watch Saturday Night Live, because I already saw that one sketch they do. But, as it turns out, sometimes they do some other sketches. Like this one…

    See also:
    Jon Stewart's Pitch-Perfect Glenn Beck Impression
    The Onion: Victim In Fatal Car Accident Tragically Not Glenn Beck

    Tags: Brit Hume, Election Day, Fox, Glenn Beck, Greta Van Susteren, Joe Trippi, Juan Williams, Karl Rove, Saturday Night Live, Shepard Smith
  • Can We Just Trade Juan Williams to Fox News for Shepard Smith and a D-Bag to Be Named Later?

    While we're on the subject of horrible liberal people who should just go away, I guess now is as good a time as any to talk about this shit from left-wing rag doll Juan Williams

    [W]henever Bill O'Reilly feels threatened he summons Juan Williams to appear on The Factor to apologize for BillO's actions. Last night Juan did his job well…

    Williams: "There are people who are going to try and use this now to make others who have critical of a women having the right to choose, make that into a political tool to beat people up and to try and convince people that these are all extremists and the fact is that you're not extremist. There are a lot of people who by a matter of conscience are troubled by abortion, especially late term abortion and I know you O'Reilly, what you did is you said it bothered you personally and there's nothing wrong with that…

    "But let me just say, they're going after you, Bill O'Reilly and I've never heard you say to block a clinic , I've never heard you say to create violence to intimidate women who are legally seeking an abortion. I've never heard you say go after the doctor's, berate them, certainly not kill them. Never. Never! Not true."

    Wow! He really makes Alan Colmes look like a linebacker… holding a machete… in his prehensile penis.

    Crooks and Liars has footage of O'Reilly not going after the doctor, not berating him. Never. Never!

    Tags: Abortion, Bill O'Reilly, Fox, George Tiller, Juan Williams, Scott Roeder, Shepard Smith
  • NPR Wants You to Know That Juan Williams Isn't the Pundroid You're Looking For

    I can certainly empathize with NPR on this one.

    If Juan Williams worked for Indecision and then decided to go spend all his free time being one of the non-sentient liberal sponges on every Fox News show, I think I might also be a little upset about the association as well

    NPR has asked Fox News not to identify its news analyst, Juan Williams, with NPR branding when he appears on Fox News because of outrage among its largely liberal listener-base. And Fox News has happily agreed to do so.

    NPR Ombudsman Alicia Shepard wrote Wednesday that in 2008 she received 378 "complaints and frustrations about things Williams said on Fox," including claims that Williams "dishonors NPR" and is an "embarrassment to NPR" and that "NPR should severe [sic] their relationship with him."

    It's really cool and all on Fox News' part that they agreed to stop tying Williams to NPR, but I don't really think it should be on them to end the association.

    Isn't that why firing people was invented?

    Tags: Fox, Juan Williams, NPR