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  • Some of Mitt Romney's Best Friends Are Remote Islands

    "I think Mitt Romney is in a terrific position to win the nomination, but I'm deeply concerned about his strength among the Pacific Islander demographic," said absolutely nobody, ahead of Saturday's contests in Guam and the Northern Mariana Islands and tomorrow's primary in American Samoa.

    However, if someone were to have such concerns, they were allayed by Romney's strong performances over the weekend, which offset Rick Santorum's near-sweep of the Kansas caucuses

    The campaign's tally shows Romney taking a total of 38 delegates on Saturday — nine each in Guam and the Northern Mariana Islands, seven in the Virgin Islands, seven in Kansas and at least six in Wyoming, where the final delegate count has yet to be determined.

    Santorum, according to the Romney camp's numbers, took 33 delegates in Kansas and at least one in Wyoming, but zero in the three U.S. territories, giving the former senator from Pennsylvania a total of 34 delegates for the day.

    Unlike tomorrow's vote in American Samoa, which Mitt Romney is expected to dominate thanks to the island's large LDS population, Romney doesn't have any personal connection to Guam, the Northern Marianas or the U.S. Virgin Islands. Other factors did work in his favor. He may not be an islander himself, but some of his friends no doubt own an atoll or two. He sends some of his favorite possessions on island vacations. And no doubt, the palm trees are just the right height.

    Photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images News/Getty Images

    Tags: Guam, Kansas, Mitt Romney, Northern Mariana Islands, Primaries, Republicans, Rick Santorum, Virgin Islands
  • Kansas House Speaker Spends All His Time Apologizing for Being an Idiot

    Look, Kansas Speaker of the House Mike O'Neal, God is a busy man.

    He has Academy Award ballots to fill out and Republican politicians to punk into seeking the presidency, and that leaves him with little time left over for answering the anti-Obama prayers of mere state legislators. Even ones that go through the trouble of citing Psalms 109:8 — "Let his days be few and brief; and let others step forward to replace him" –  in their demented email forwards to Heaven.

    Even emails that include incisive commentary such as "At last — I can honestly voice a Biblical prayer for our president! Look it up — it is word for word! Let us all bow our heads and pray. Brothers and Sisters, can I get an AMEN? AMEN!!!!!!" are unlikely to make it out of God's spam folder when he's busy diagramming plays for NFL athletes.

    Considering all this, an apology seems hardly necessary

    "I respect the President and the Office," O'Neal said in his statement. "The forward contained a single verse and was only intended as election commentary regarding the President's days in office. I have apologized and I am sincerely sorry," he said.

    In recent weeks, O'Neal has also apologized for forwarding an email that referred to first lady Michelle Obama as "Mrs. YoMama" and compared a picture of her to the fictional character Grinch. O'Neal said he forwarded that email too without being aware of the "Mrs. YoMama" reference.

    Okay, so the Psalm verse cited by O'Neal is followed by lines reading…

    May his children be fatherless and his wife a widow

    May his children be wandering beggars; may they be driven from their ruined homes

    May a creditor seize all he has; may strangers plunder the fruits of his labor

    May no one extend kindness to him or take pity on his fatherless children.

    But given the agenda of the Kansas GOP, aren't deranged email forwards the least destructive and un-Christian use of a House Speaker's time?

    Tags: Barack Obama, Christianity, Church v. State, Kansas, Michelle Obama, Religion, Republicans, State Legislature, The Bible
  • Kansas Lawmaker Is Sorry He Accidentally Called Michelle Obama "Mrs. YoMama"

    Don't you hate it when when one of your friends sends you a hilarious cartoon illustrating of something innocuous and commonplace like a bad hair day, and then after you forward it on to a bunch of people it turns out that the cartoon was super racist because – whoops!! – you forgot to read it?!

    If you had a nickel, am I right?

    The subject line of the message State Rep. Mike O'Neal sent states, "Twins separated at birth?" — and the body of the email features a picture of Obama next to the Grinch, the Lawrence World-Journal reported. Obama is sporting windswept hair in the image, and O'Neal wrote in email, "Sorry, just had to forward this latest holiday message! I’ve had worse hair days, but this is pretty funny."

    The forwarded message states, "I'm sure you’ll join me in wishing Mrs. YoMama a wonderful, long Hawaii Christmas vacation — at our expense, of course."…

    "Cartoons are intended to be humorous. This one made me laugh — I’ve had bad hair days too," O'Neal said in a statement, according to The Kansas City Star. "I forwarded it too quickly, missing the text included in the body of the mail. To those I have offended, I am sorry. That was not at all my intent."

    Sigh… So, he's choosing incompetent over racist, huh? Fair enough.

    You know what? I believe him. Or, I should say, I'm going to choose to believe him. In the same way that I chose to believe that my dog got confused and thought he was outside when he took a dump on the living room carpet while I was out at the movie theater that one time.

    It's just better for everyone, and it's really kind of our fault because he probably should have had his balls cut off a lot earlier.

    Photo by Jerry Markland/Getty Images Sport/Getty Images

    Tags: Kansas, Michele Bachmann, State Legislature
  • Kansas Gov. Sam Brownback Apologizes for Both Sucking and Blowing

    After a federal judge blocked enforcement of his state’s restrictive new abortion laws, conservative Kansas Gov. Sam Brownback was forced to stop spying on teen girls’ uteruses.

    And (as we reported Friday) start spying on their Twitter feeds

    Shawnee Mission East teen Emma Sullivan insulted Kansas Gov. Sam Brownback over Twitter while on a school field trip to the state capitol last week.

    "Just made mean comments at gov. brownback and told him he sucked, in person #heblowsalot," she wrote to her 60 followers… But the humor was lost on members of Brownback's staff, who found the tweet while scouring social media sites for his name and demanded an apology through Sullivan's high school principal.

    Sullivan, who now has 6,300 Twitter followers and has begun quoting Gandhi, says she hopes the principal will accept her decision not write an apology letter.

    Upon hearing that she would not apologize, Gov. Brownback referred the matter to his insecurity guards, who promptly alerted the Kansas State Department of No Backsies. Fortunately, Sullivan was able to escape arrest at the last minute by getting a cootie shot from her friend Becky.

    Since she is now rubber and he is glue, the insulting tweet successfully stuck to the governor, compelling him to issue a personal apology for blowing a lot

    "My staff over-reacted to this tweet, and for that I apologize. Freedom of speech is among our most treasured freedoms," Brownback said in a statement.

    Gov. Brownback has yet to confirm or deny reports that he suffers from Bieber Fever.

    Photo by Mark Wilson/Getty Images News/Getty Images

    Tags: Constitution, Education, Internet, Kansas, Republicans, Sam Brownback, Twitter
  • Gov. Sam Brownback Narrowly Survives High School Student's Mean-Spirited Tweet

    Kansas Gov. Sam Brownback is, by all accounts, safe and relatively unharmed following a harrowing Twitter attack from an 18-year-old high school student last week.

    Luckily, Brownback has a brave and astute staff ready to snap into action at the first sign of an online trolling

    Emma Sullivan, a senior at Shawnee Mission East High School in Prairie Village, was in Topeka on Monday as part of Kansas Youth in Government, a program for students interested in politics and government.

    During the session, in which Brownback addressed the group, Sullivan posted on her personal Twitter page:

    There was a problem connecting to Twitter.

    Does anyone know if there are any al Qaeda sleeper cells operating in Kansas? Because I highly doubt that a high school student is capable of an act of terrorism so heinous on her own.

    Don't worry, though. Sullivan is paying the ultimate cost for trespasses against her innocent governor…

    On Tuesday, Sullivan was called to her principal’s office and told that the tweet had been flagged by someone on Brownback’s staff and reported to organizers of the Youth in Government program…

    The principal "laid into me about how this was unacceptable and an embarrassment," Sullivan said. "He said I had created this huge controversy and everyone was up in arms about it… and now he had to do damage control… I'm mainly shocked that they would even see that tweet and be concerned about me," she said. "I just honestly feel they're making a lot bigger deal out of it than it actually was."

    Sullivan said the principal ordered her to write letters of apology to Brownback, the school’s Youth in Government sponsor, the district's social studies coordinator and others.

    Hopefully next time, Ms.Sullivan will think twice before exercising her First Amendment rights.

    Just where does she think she is? Someplace that's not Kansas?

    Tags: Bill of Rights, Constitution, Education, Kansas, Sam Brownback, Twitter