From the Pork Barrel: Victoria Jackson Reports

* Does Victoria Jackson understand that the purpose of these viral propaganda citizen-journalist interview pieces is not to make you look stupider than the people you're interviewing? "I made myself look really idiotic that time! That means we won!"

* Gary Johnson is on Reddit answering questions from regular people. I'm a little surprised to see that he qualified for that.

* Topeka, Kansas is lifting its ban on beating the living hell out of your spouse for burning the meatloaf. How did these archaic old laws ever get on the books in the first place?

* Bill O'Reilly has been accused of behaving like Bill O'Reilly. That's gonna really hurt him with anti-Bill O'Reilly fans.

Tags: Bill O'Reilly, Fox, Gary Johnson, Kansas, Occupy Wall Street, Pork Barrel, Primaries, Protesters, Reddit, Republicans, Victoria Jackson

The U.S. Loves War, Hates Community Theater (or Kansas Won't Buy Anyone Crayons)

We Americans love art in all forms: reruns of "America's Best Dance Crew;" Wal-Mart reproductions of that painting with the dogs playing poker; and of course, films by Michael Bay. But lately, some lame hippies have been whining about the unprecedented rate at which state governments are slashing arts funding.

Across the country this is a tough time for small arts groups because state grants have largely shriveled up. Thirty-one states, still staggered by the recession, cut their arts budgets for the 2012 fiscal year, which began on July 1, continuing a downturn that has seen such financial aid drop 42 percent over the last decade, according to data compiled by the National Assembly of State Arts Agencies.

The impact may hardly be felt at places like the Metropolitan Opera, established regional theaters or other large organizations that rely primarily on loyal donors and ticket revenues to underwrite their budgets.

Wait, the "opera?" The "regional theaters?" You mean "Gossip Girl" and "One Tree Hill" will be unaffected by these cuts? Then shoot, who gives a crap? Everybody knows the opera is for weirdos like Frasier and Niles Crane, and who even does theater after high school?

In Kansas, Governor Sam Brownback bravely decided to reduce the state's arts funding to $0 this year. In a helpful move for Kansas's unemployment numbers, he also fired every employee of the Kansas Arts Commission. Do they even have art in Kansas? What'd they even need that money for, anyway?

In Kansas the Junction City Arts Council has received $10,000 a year from the state arts commission annually since 2005, money it used to provide visual arts scholarships for underprivileged children, a summer community theater program and a storyteller who performed at schools.

Foolish! Underprivileged children ought to be put to work in the mines, not given scholarship money to take art classes. Visual arts, community theater, and storytelling all take up valuable time that ought to be spent developing black lung or the bends.

Gov. Sam Brownback deserves a Congressional Medal of Honor for his bravery in battle against the nefarious cabal of painters, actors, dancers, sculptors, directors, writers, and illustrators who seek to turn our nation into a place where every single dollar isn't spent on futile wars.

Tags: Art, Economy, Kansas, Money, Music, Sam Brownback

The United States of Unflattering Stereotypes

How long does it take to travel to every state in the nation and mock it right to its face? About two minutes…

I think it's really cool that Paul Jury traveled 19,000 miles in the service of writing his book States of Confusion, but you've got to wonder if it was really necessary. If he was really interested in seeing how everybody in the country really lives, couldn't he have just gone to a Wal-Mart in a Hoveround?

Tags: Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, Books, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, Florida, Georgia, Hawaii, Idaho, Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, Washington, West Virginia, Wisconsin, Wyoming

Appeals Court Protects Sex Offender's Constitutional Right to Look at Boobs

Here is one of those times when a victory for the First Amendment also makes us free-speechers feel a little gross inside. According to AP/Reuters via the NY Times…

A convicted sex offender can possess material depicting nudity upon his release from prison after the 8th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals upheld part of an appeal of his sentence.

Now, let's be specific. He cannot possess CHILD PORNOGRAPHY. But he can have images that depict naked persons…

The district court had said [Jerry Lynn] Simons must adhere to 20 conditions upon his release. But the Appeals Court threw out the nude-picture clause Wednesday, saying it would deny Simons the ability to view a biology textbook or buy works of art depicting nudity.

No legitimate evidence suggests that gazing at images of human nudity leads one to commit sex crimes. The censorship crowd gets hysterical over this stuff and will undoubtedly spin it as "PORN FINE FOR RAPIST, ACTIVIST JUDGE SEZ."

Let's instead ask ourselves why someone with a "history of sex crimes in Oklahoma and Kansas" is permitted to walk the streets. The statistics for recidivism among sex offenders are rather difficult to analyze, as many folks seem to have differing definitions of recidivism. (Does it count statistically if it goes unreported? How can we determine how many post-release sex crimes occur if they go unreported? If a tree falls in the forest, are sex offenders still total wastes of human life?)

In a world where DNA testing can and does exonerate wrongly accused criminals, and where witnesses sometimes change their stories, it would be foolish to advocate a "Lock the jail cell and throw away the key" approach to anyone accused of a sex crime. That shit is witch-hunty, and innocent people's lives are ruined by false accusations.

However, I do kind of wish Jerry Lynn Simons were locked up somewhere far from any unarmed humans, given to live out his days being forced to watch reruns of a single episode of Empty Nest over and over until he croaks.

Tags: Bill of Rights, Constitution, Kansas, Oklahoma, Porn

Kansasians Prefer Crappy Music to Crappy Half-Term Governor

This is just one of the saddest headlines that you will ever read…

Palin Speech Draws Fewer than Nickelback Concert in Wichita

Sociologists will be unpacking that nine-word sentence for decades to come.

Tags: Kansas, Music, Sarah Palin