* A very Bachmann Christmas, NSFW/Sensitive family members.
* Kim Jong-Un wonders if he can fill his father's clown shoes, from The Onion.
* The best things your tax dollars went to in 2011, from Buzzfeed.
* The best news headlines from 2011 that weren't ours.
* The funniest Someecards, from HuffPo Comedy.
Tags: BuzzFeed, Christmas, Daily Links, Huffington Post, Kim Jong Il, Kim Jong-un, Marcus Bachmann, Michele Bachmann, Taxes
There may be more rational explanations for today's news — like the fact that deaths happen in an unbroken series that we arbitrarily choose to assign into groups of three — but the most satisfying account involves Christopher Hitchens and Vaclav Havel being asked by God who they would like to complete their celebrity death trifecta.
Because Hitchens and Havel were good human beings with a keen commitment to human rights, they picked Kim Jong-il, dictator of the Earth's largest Orwellian theme park, claymation star in Team America: World Police, and the worst person in the world…
Kim Jong-il, the North Korean leader who realized his family's dream of turning his starving country into a minor nuclear-weapons power even as the isolated nation sank further into despotism, died on Saturday of a heart attack, according to the country's state-run media. Within hours of the announcement, the South Korean news agency reported that North Korea tested an unspecified number of short-range missiles on Monday morning.
It's getting mighty awkward in the Demilitarized Zone, which makes for the perfect opportunity to reflect on our missed chance to have John McCain and Sarah Palin in the White House. All we're getting from the White House are cautious statements about America's commitment to "stability on the Korean peninsula, and to the freedom and security of our allies." In a more humorous/terrifying world, Palin would issue statements about Kim's successor, Lil' Kim, while McCain readied the invasion forces.
As it stands, all we can do is await the results of the all-important Pyongyang caucuses and Wonsan primaries, to see who will succeed the Ever-Victorious, Iron-Willed Commander, the Bright Sun of the 21st Century, the Glorious General, Who Descended From Heaven…
A few hours after the announcement, the ruling Workers' Party and other state institutions released a joint statement suggesting Mr. Kim's chosen successor, his youngest son, Kim Jong-un, was in charge.
The statement called the son "the great successor to the revolution" and "the eminent leader of the military and the people." It was the first time North Korea referred to the son as "leader" since his ailing father pulled him out of obscurity in September last year and made him a four-star general and vice chairman of the Central Military Commission of the Workers' Party.
What, that's it? If we're going to find a successor to the world's greatest golfer (38 under par the first time he played!), the inventor of the hamburger and Glorious Keeper of the Bouffant Haircut, we should at least offer the North Korean people a Donald Trump-moderated debate to assist them in their time of need.
Photo by Pool/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Tags: International Affairs, Kim Jong Il, Kim Jong-un, North Korea, South Korea
Hot heir apparent Kim Jong-un of Korea has reportedly ascended to the second-highest position in the land. Yes, he was elected in a tight but decisive and totally ethical victory over — haha, J/K, this is North Korea! His dad totally just made the announcement at his own dictator-themed bday shindig while, like, eating all the food he won't let North Korea's starving masses have…
The celebration, typically crowned by a massive turnout of goose-stepping soldiers and dancing, uniformed women in the city’s central square, was punctuated — as it is every year — by a flower show featuring bright red tuberous begonias called kimjongilia.
Yet the events were marred by the leader’s failure to follow through on a promise of a day’s food to all of the country’s 24 million people, The Associated Press reported.
First of all, "kimjongilia" sounds like the name of a) a pretty pretty princess or b) a social disease.
Second of all, the AP is obviously just packed with haterz who don't understand Kim Jong-il's clever strategy to avoid the obesity problems that plague the Great Enemy, the United States of Fatties.
So congratulations, Kim Jong-un! You are undoubtedly eminently qualified to be the almost-Supreme Leader!
Tags: Kim Jong Il, Kim Jong-un, North Korea
OMG! That delighted, high-pitched, government-mandated collective squee you heard yesterday was the sound of every North Korean girl forcibly expressing "joy." The generous government in Pyongyang released the first-ever public photograph of Kim Jong-Un, the twenty-something understudy for the role of Evil Dictator currently filled by his dad, Kim Jong-Il. And he bears a remarkable resemblance to one Eric Cartman!
But let's look behind the young heartbreaker's facade and find out more about Kim Jong-Un, the purported future leader of the world's most diplomatically isolated country. Take it away, New York Times…
Earlier this week, at a landmark meeting of the Workers’ Party in Pyongyang, the younger Mr. Kim, who is believed to be 27 or 28, was given the rank of four-star general in the People’s Army and was named a deputy chairman of the party’s military commission. He also became a member of the Central Committee of the party, an ideological and policy-making post.
On Thursday, North Korean state media released a picture of Kim Jong-un, news agencies reported. Very little is known about the heir apparent, and few pictures of him have been seen publicly, both in Korea and in the outside world.
Oh, well that clears things up. Let's fill in the blanks. Based on the official photograph, we can assume that young Kim Jong-un finds official photography sessions to be rather dull, or at least not joyful. We can also rest assured that while thousands of other North Koreans (particularly children) may be dying each month from starvation, Kim Jr. has access to all the Cheesy Poofs he can handle. Om nom nom, Kim Jong-un!
Tags: Kim Jong Il, Kim Jong-un, North Korea, South Park