From the Pork Barrel: Democrats Apparently Good for Something

* Democrats turn out to be surprisingly effective at getting what they want when what they want turns out to be money for Democrats.

* John McCain apparently promised Muammar Qaddafi that the U.S. was gonna be his BFF. That's pretty embarrassing. I mean, he totally didn't keep that promise.

* Levi Johnston not running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. Also, Levi Johnston was maybe going to run for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska.

* Dick Cheney kept a secret resignation letter in the safe where he kept his original still-beating heart and the soul of the gypsy woman who tried to cross him back in 1694.

Photo by Jim Watson/AFP/Getty Images

Tags: Alaska, Democrats, Dick Cheney, John McCain, Levi Johnston, Libya, Money, Muammar Qaddafi, Pork Barrel, Senate, Wasilla

Bristol Palin Joins Cast of Dancing with Please Point Cameras at My Face!!!

You've really got to feel sorry for the Palin family. It seems like, try as they might, they just can't seem to get anybody to pay attention to them or their white trash exploits.

So, really, who can blame Bristol Palin — a woman who is noteworthy for literally nothing other than getting pregnant and having a mother — for making a last ditch effort to get her name out there…

Bristol Palin is getting into the family business by becoming one of the celebrity hoofers on the cast of ABC's "Dancing With the Stars" this fall.

The teenager joins mom Sarah, who has a reality series on TLC debuting in November, and Bristol's baby-daddy Levi Johnston, who is shopping around a reality series in which he runs for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska.

Oh, a dancing show. I don't know. That can be kind of tasteful. Kind of…

Bristol has committed to weeks of wearing sparkly outfits to compete for the disco-ball trophy against pop singer Brandy; "Dirty Dancing's" all-grown-up Baby, Jennifer Grey; "Drop Dead Diva" super-assistant Margaret Cho; The Dumb One from "The Hills" Audrina Patridge; "Brady Bunch's" made-for-TV mom Florence Henderson…

That's not such a bad list so far. Could be a lot worse…

crooner Michael Bolton; "Jersey Shore's" Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino; faded "Baywatch" hunk David Hasselhoff…

Okay. Granted, these people do not have the gravitas of, say, this noteworthy dancer. But they're still a step up from who she's been associated with in the past. You gotta start somewhere.

Tags: Bristol Palin, Dancing with the Stars, Levi Johnston, Music, Sarah Palin, Television

Choose Your Side in the Bristol Palin-Levi Johnston Battle: Team People or Team US?

Who can figure out what's going on with Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston's on-again-off-again-oh-are-we-talking-about-this-again true love engagement for people who love each other? Today, it looks like they're not getting married. But who knows what tomorrow will bring?

And besides, whether or not these two young people decide to spend their life together isn't the real issue here. Right? The real issue is which gossip magazine will have the final say over the events of their lives?

People reported on July 26 that Bristol was "taking Levi Back." US followed up and advanced the story up with its "We're Getting Married!" cover and an interview with the couple.

For a moment, it looked like US had won the war. But it was People who triumphed in the celeb weekly battle with its Tuesday confirmation that Bristol had called off her engagement with Levi…

[I]t does seem that there's a clear line in the sand: The Palin camp prefers People while the Johnston camp goes for US.

My heart breaks over this. I sincerely hope that these two magazines can come to some kind of amicable arrangement, if for no other reason than the sake of the baby. It's just not right to raise a child in two separate publications. What ever happened to family values?

Tags: Bristol Palin, Levi Johnston, Tripp Johnston-Palin

Quote Unquote: The Real(ly Boring) World

An unnamed cable executive on why we probably won't be gawking at Bristol and Levi Palin-Johnston on their own reality television show…

"Don't think we should do it. Neither of them have personalities."

To be honest, I did not realize that was a prerequisite.

(via Andrew Sullivan)

Tags: Bristol Palin, Levi Johnston, Quote Unquote, Television

Levi Johnston and Bristol Palin Are Getting Married! And Sarah Palin Has No Idea That It's Happening!

You know the old story: Boy meets girl. Boy impregnates girl. Boy brands himself as "fuckin' redneck" on MySpace page. Girl's mother is chosen as Republican nominee Vice President of the United States of America. Girl's mother becomes once-in-a-generation political folk sensation. Boy is forced into engagement with girl and is made to stand in front of entire country trying to look happy about it. Girl's mother loses election. Girl has son. Boy leaves girl. Boy becomes gay icon. Girl becomes, against all logic, spokesperson for conservative Christian abstinence-only education campaign. Boy is cut off from son. Boy claims girl's mom refers to one of her children as "retarded." Boy gets naked for Playgirl. Girl's mother is revealed to have been stockpiling money for upcoming presidential campaign. Boy suddenly, for no apparent reason, returns to girl. Boy tells own family in public statement that they will be dead to him if they keep saying mean things about girl's family. Boy marries girl.

We've seen it a thousand times, but it still somehow gets us right here in the heart…

Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston reveal exclusively in the new Us Weekly that they are getting married. And, they tell Us Weekly, former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin has been kept in the dark about their plans … until now.

"We got engaged two weeks ago," Bristol, 19, tells Us Weekly. "It felt right, even though we don’t have the approval of our parents."

Oh, isn't it romantic?! And not-at-all straining the already-severely-frayed fabric of credulity that they didn't even bother to get the approval of their parents, one of whom is very likely to be the next GOP presidential nominee?! I find that highly believable and sweet!

(via Gawker)

Tags: Bristol Palin, Levi Johnston, Sarah Palin, Tripp Johnston-Palin