RIP Levi Johnston's Penis

Everyone in America, please sit down. Find a spot on the couch. Or somewhere on the carpet if you need to. (Ohio, stop pushing Indiana. Arizona, get your finger out of your ear. Well, get it out of New Mexico's ear then. I'm not playing around. This is serious.)

I'm afraid that I have some very sad news. Levi Johnston's penis — the penis that we were all expecting to see shortly in Playgirl — has been sent to a farm where it can run around and play with all the other genitalia…

Playgirl spokesman Daniel Nardicio has released a statement blaming Levi's manager Tank Jones. "He did not give 'full-frontal' as his manager Tank Jones reported he would. We're thrilled with the photos we got, and are confident people will love them. Although there may be glimpses, we did not get full on frontal nudity."

I know, everyone in America. I know how desparing and confused you feel at a moment like this. I know that you feel like there will never be another morning. That the chilled night air will whip through your clothes and your soul forevermore.

But please, try to remind yourselves: There will be other penises. Joe the Plumber hasn't been in the spotlight for a few days now. He's due for "leaked" Fred Durst-style sex tape any time now. Any time now.

William Shatner Reads the Poetry of Levi Johnston

I was sure this Levi Johnston Twitter account was fake.

Again, I was wrong…

(via Gotcha Media)

Levi Johnston's Penis Confirms Its Impending Arrival

Levi Johnston's manager gives us this incredibly important news update…

"Everything's gonna hang out. We're talking full johnson."

That is all.

The Sarah Palin Chronicles Are Just as Classy as They've Ever Been

The real life reality show that is the Palin family continues on, showing no sign that it will be canceled anytime in the foreseeable future.

In today's episode, the crazy lady who thirsts for fame and money and also wants to be President of the United States one day fires off a frothing rebuttal of allegations that she has ever done anything unpleasant ever, made by a guy who's getting ready to begin his career in soft core porn…

During an interview on CBS' "Early Show,"Johnston repeated and expanded upon an allegation he'd made earlier, that Palin refers to her son Trig — who has Down Syndrome — as "retarded."… Palin has issued a statement responding to Johnston…

"We have purposefully ignored the mean spirited, malicious and untrue attacks on our family. We, like many, are appalled at the inflammatory statements being made or implied. Trig is our 'blessed little angel' who knows it and is lovingly called that every day of his life. Even the thought that anyone would refer to Trig by any disparaging name is sickening and sad. CBS should be ashamed for continually providing a forum to propagate lies.

"Consider the source of the most recent attention-getting lies – those who would sell their body for money reflect a desperate need for attention and are likely to say and do anything for even more attention."

How long before they add a an alcoholic dwarf character into the mix, you think?

Will Levi Johnston Reveal His Huge Thing (That He Has on Sarah Palin)?

For a guy who's getting ready to drop his pants in front of the whole world, Levi Johnston's a pretty big tease…

What's that thing that Anton Chekhov said about good storytelling that one time?

"If you say in the first chapter that you have huge revelations of illegal behavior to reveal about the insane megalomaniac, then in the second or third chapter they absolutely must be revealed, but only after you get out your schlong."

It's all playing out according to the rules.