From the Pork Barrel: Chris Christie Not Yet Risen

* Chris Christie definitely not running for president says everybody except for Chris Christie.

* Fox News' Megyn Kelly defends GOP members booing gay soldier. Besides, can you prove that was debate audience and not some homophobic ghosts?

* Is there any conservative in America less Reaganesque than Michael Reagan?

* N.C. Gov. Beverly Perdue suggests skipping congressional elections this time round so legislators can focus on economy, not getting beaten to a pulp in the polls.

* Lobbyists lobbying for right to more lobbying.

Photo by Andrew Burton/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Tags: Chris Christie, DADT, Debates, Democrats, Fox, House of Representatives, LGBT, Lobbyists, Megyn Kelly, Military, New Jersey, North Carolina, Pork Barrel, Primaries, Republicans, Ronald Reagan

From the Pork Barrel: The Return of Sarah Palin's Sarah Palin Awareness Tour

* All this press that Michele Bachmann's been receiving must really be getting to Sarah Palin, because she has now quit quitting her national non-campaign bus tour.

* Apparently, Palin's bus is being sucked in by the gravitation pull of all the TV cameras descending upon Iowa.

* "Can Ron Paul win it all in Iowa?" Short answer: No. Long answer: Nooooooooooooo.

* American Bar Association wants stricter rules for lobbying. Time to have Congress shut these guys down, huh?

* The Onion: "New GOP Strategy Involves Reelecting Obama, Making His Life Even More Miserable."

Tags: Barack Obama, Iowa, Iowa Straw Poll, Law & Order, Lobbyists, Pork Barrel, Primaries, Republicans, Ron Paul, Sarah Palin, The Onion, Transportation

From the Pork Barrel: Repeat as Necessary

* The vicious circle of stupidity.

* Newt Gingrich — who will bring "intellectual heft" to GOP primaries — unable to spell wife's name.

* Iowa Republicans beg Chris Christie to please save them from awful crop of primary candidates.

* House Republicans beg Democrats to please please not behave like Republicans.

* Good news from Florida: It's still legal to have sex with a fungus.

* The free market works!

Tags: Animals, Chris Christie, Comedians, Corporations, Florida, House of Representatives, Iowa, Lobbyists, New Jersey, Newt Gingrich, Pork Barrel, Primaries, Republicans, Sex, State Legislature

The Daily Show on John McCain's Very Consistent Message

There are two types of people in this world: those who like seeing the hypocrisy of long-serving Senators exposed with elegance and precision and those who love a well-placed Underground Railroad-related genitalia reference. With that in mind, this clip from last night's Daily Show has something for everyone.

The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11pm / 10c.

Tags: Arizona, Christine O’Donnell, Jason Jones, John McCain, John Oliver, Jon Stewart, Linda McMahon, Lobbyists, Rand Paul, Samantha Bee, Senate, The Daily Show, Video, Wyatt Cenac

The Onion: American People Hire High-Powered Lobbyist to Push Interests in Congress

We should have thought of something like this 223 years ago…

Citing a desire to gain influence in Washington, the American people confirmed Friday that they have hired high-powered D.C. lobbyist Jack Weldon of the firm Patton Boggs to help advance their agenda in Congress…

Weldon said that after successfully advocating on behalf of Goldman Sachs and BP, he is relishing the opportunity to lobby for the American people, calling it the "challenge of a lifetime." The veteran D.C. power player admitted that his new client is at a disadvantage because it lacks the money and power of other groups.

"The goal is to make it seem politically advantageous for legislators to keep the American people in mind when making laws," Weldon said. "Lawmakers are going to ask me, 'Why should I care about the American people? What's in it for me?' And it will be up to me and my team to find some reason why they should consider putting poverty and medical care for children on the legislative docket."…

"Before today, I'd actually never heard of this group," Rep. Eric Cantor (R-VA) told reporters. "But if Jack says they're worth my time, I'll take a look and see if maybe there are some areas where our interests overlap."

Read the whole thing.

Tags: Eric Cantor, House of Representatives, Lobbyists, Senate, The Onion