Rep. Louie Gohmert Is Onto Obama's Secret Plan to Build Private Army

Have you heard of the Ready Reserve Corps? According to an email I got from uncle's hunting buddy's grandmother's hairdresser's nephew (who may actually be my uncle, though I'm not a hundred percent on that), it's a private Gestapo-type army made available to President Obama under his Health Care Reform bill.*

Well, that's terrible! Do you think this can in any way possibly (please!) have anything to do with the U.S. military non-war in Libya?

Just checked with Rep. Louie Gohmert, and the answer is yes…

"Its a bad bill. And then when you find out that the prior Congress not only passed that 2,800 page bill with all kinds of things in it, including a new president's commissioned officer corps and non-commissioned officer corps. Do we really need that? I wondered when I read that in the bill.

"But then when you find out we're being sent to Libya to use our treasure and American lives there, maybe there's intention to so deplete the military that we're going to need that presidential reserve officer commissioned corps and non-commissioned corps that the president can call up on a moment's notice involuntarily, according to the Obamacare bill."

This is ridiculous. Why would Obama need a presidential reserve corps when he's already got that army of terror babies to work with? Come on, think about this, people!

.

^{* Actually, it's much more benign and incredibly more boring than that.}

Tags: Health Care, House of Representatives, Libya, Louie Gohmert, Military, Texas

Louie Gohmert Likes to Yell Stuff About Terror Babies

Look, obviously, we're all afraid of "terror babies" because, seriously, you'd have to be superhumanly brave not to be. They're babies and they're terrorists! They're like Sharktopus, but, like, times a million or something.

Anyway, Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX) — the terror baby Cassandra — went on Anderson Cooper's show yesterday to yell incoherently about something related to terror babies in some vague way maybe. And you should watch it…

"Sir, you're just yelling. You're not having a conversation."

Wrong again, Anderson Cooper. He is having a conversation. Just not with you.

Tags: 14th Amendment, Anderson Cooper, Babies, CNN, House of Representatives, Immigration, Louie Gohmert, Terrorism, Texas

Jon Stewart on the Threat of Anchor Babies

On last night's Daily Show, Jon Stewart discussed a movement by conservatives in Washington to repeal the 14th amendment to prevent so-called "anchor babies." These anchor babies should, of course, not be confused with those babies in the 70s who were born with anchors because their mothers ate tainted fondue.

The Daily Show airs Monday through Thursday at 11pm / 10c.

Tags: 14th Amendment, Babies, Constitution, Immigration, Jon Stewart, Lindsey Graham, Louie Gohmert, The Daily Show, Video

The Onion: Repeal of 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' Paves Way for Gay Sex Right on Battlefield, Opponents Fantasize

The Onion reports on a growing concern in the nocturnal imaginings of Congress…

"We're sending our soldiers out there with a mission, and that mission is to protect this country," said Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX), one of many conservative politicians who staunchly oppose the change. "If this is repealed, what's to stop all-night sex romps from breaking out while U.S. servicemen are hiding in a bunker, or crawling around an irrigation ditch bathed only by the light of the moon, or, say, the dozens of other situations I've already thought through in elaborate detail?"

"We can't allow this to happen," Gohmert added as beads of sweat collected on his brow. "It's wrong. Sweaty male sex — no matter how erotic and uninhibited — is so wrong and so, so naughty."…

Others have argued that allowing gay soldiers to push their lifestyle on others, testing the limits of pleasure a man can take before he erupts in uncontrollable ecstasy, would seriously damage morale.

Read the whole thing.

Tags: DADT, House of Representatives, LGBT, Louie Gohmert, Military, The Onion

Louie Gohmert Wants to Give You the Right of Not Voting in Senate Elections Ever Again

Feeling downtrodden? Of course you are! That's because members of the federal government are power-mad, usurping the rights of states and everyday people like yourself by passing legislation like it's their job or something.

A solution, presented by Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-Crazytown): repeal the 17th Amendment. Get it? That's the one that allows everyday people like yourself to vote for Senators, instead of having state legislators appoint them…

Rep. Gohmert stated, "The usurpation of the rights of the states and of the people perpetrated by the U.S. House [in passing health care reform] is blatant, arrogant, and cries out for action. A potentially bankrupting 'mother of all unfunded mandates' needs to be stopped. The courts may or may not do it, but the states are not helpless. [...]

Ever since the safeguard of State legislatures electing U.S. Senators was removed by the 17th Amendment in 1913, there has been no check or balance on the Federal power grab for the last 97 years.

A better idea: why not stop electing U.S. Senators entirely? We can just wait for God (white Christian version only, pls!) to give someone a signal.

This would work for the House of Representatives and the presidency, too.

Tags: Constitution, Louie Gohmert, Republicans, Senate, Voter Suppression