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  • Muslims Ruining Louisiana's Plans to Destroy Public Education

    Recently, Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal signed into law a voucher program allowing state educational funds to be used to send students to schools run by religious groups. The plan is set to be a model for the nation, with Mitt Romney's education policies calling for the adoption of similar school choice schemes across the country.

    And so far, things have been going swimmingly. Thousands of students are set to enroll in private Christian academies, where they can learn about dinosaurs (more appropriately called Jesus Horses, I believe) such as the Loch Ness monster and their relationship to evolution. It's complicated.

    But one Louisiana legislator has noted a wrinkle in the state's plan to subsidize the teaching of the most backward elements of the One True Faith…

    Rep. Valarie Hodges, R-Watson, says she had no idea that Gov. Bobby Jindal's overhaul of the state’s educational system might mean taxpayer support of Muslim schools.

    "I actually support funding for teaching the fundamentals of America's Founding Fathers’ religion, which is Christianity, in public schools or private schools," the District 64 Representative said Monday.

    "I liked the idea of giving parents the option of sending their children to a public school or a Christian school," Hodges said.

    Hodges mistakenly assumed that "religious" meant "Christian."…

    "Unfortunately it will not be limited to the Founders' religion," Hodges said. "We need to insure that it does not open the door to fund radical Islam schools. There are a thousand Muslim schools that have sprung up recently. I do not support using public funds for teaching Islam anywhere here in Louisiana."

    "The only taxpayer subsidized structure for Muslims should be in Guantanamo Bay," added this remarkably dumb legislator, probably.

    (via Patheos)

    Photo by David Silverman/Getty Images News/Getty Images

    Tags: Bobby Jindal, Christianity, Education, Islam, Louisiana, Religion, Science & Technology, State Legislature
  • Louisiana Schoolkids Taught Loch Ness Monster Is Real

    At least in theory, there lives a beautiful creature that inhabits lochs and bayous. Evidence of its existence is anecdotal, with minimal and much-disputed photographic material and journalistic accounts. Unfortunately, this creature, "the Louisiana Republican state legislator that makes a modicum of sense," is most likely a modern myth.

    The latest strike against this elusive creature's existence came in the form of legislation signed by Governor Bobby Jindal, making Louisiana the leader in privatizing public education. Beginning this fall, thousands Louisiana schoolkids will receive taxpayer funded vouchers covering the full cost of tuition at private religious schools, while the public school they previously attended will lose funding.

    But whatever the damage done to the separation of church and state, at least the kids will be getting a solid education

    Thousands of American school pupils are to be taught that the Loch Ness monster is real — in an attempt by religious teachers to disprove Charles Darwin's theory of evolution.

    Pupils attending privately-run Christian schools in the southern state of Louisiana will learn from textbooks next year, which claim Scotland's most famous mythological beast is a living creature…Youngsters will be told that if it can be proved that dinosaurs walked the earth at the same time as man, then Darwinism is fatally flawed…

    "Have you heard of the Loch Ness Monster in Scotland? 'Nessie' for short has been recorded on sonar from a small submarine, described by eyewitnesses, and photographed by others. Nessie appears to be a plesiosaur."

    Another claim taught is that a Japanese whaling boat once caught a dinosaur.

    And to think, Muslims almost ruined this great innovation in American education policy, just like they ruin everything! An Islamic school had briefly applied for the voucher program, drawing ire from Republican lawmakers, before withdrawing its application.

    Just as well, since Arabic words like "algebra" would fit in poorly with the rest of the Jesus Science curriculum.

    Photo by Jeff J Mitchell/Getty Images News/Getty Images

    Tags: Bobby Jindal, Education, Evolution, Louisiana, Religion, Republicans, Science & Technology
  • Buddy Roemer Will Not Be the Next President of the United States

    This, I'm sure, will come as a crushing blow to all of you as soon as I remind you that Buddy Roemer is a person who, until extremely recently, was running for president

    Former Louisiana Gov. Buddy Roemer announced in a statement this morning that his quixotic independent campaign for president has come to an end.

    After failing to get access to the GOP primary debates last year, Roemer had decided to run as an independent and seek the Reform Party and Americans Elect nominations. Then, Americans Elect folded earlier this month, while Roemer continued to struggle to draw attention and interest to his campaign.

    First Rick, then Newt, and now Bucky. Or, Buddy, I mean. (It's Buddy, right?) It never gets any easier, does it?

    I'm just glad that this will give Mr. Roemer more time to be vie for the slightest little bit of attention from his friends and family.


    Related: Buddy Roemer Quits GOP to be Ignored by Independents

    Photo by Steve Pope/Getty Images/Getty Images

    Tags: Buddy Roemer, Louisiana, Third Party
  • Rick Santorum Survives Encounter with the Liberal Media

    Having convincingly won Saturday's Louisiana primary by a 49% to 26% margin over Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum was off to campaign in Wisconsin, where things got a little testy

    Santorum told voters that Romney is "uniquely disqualified" to be the GOP's presidential pick and urged his supporters to stand with him even as he faces an increasingly improbable pathway to the nomination. Santorum said "the race isn't over until the people of Wisconsin sing," and urged them to give his underfunded, underdog campaign a chance to derail Romney.

    "Pick any other Republican in the country. He is the worst Republican in the country to put up against Barack Obama," Santorum said at an evening rally near Racine.

    After the speech, New York Times reporter Jeff Zeleny asked Santorum to clarify his remarks; was Romney literally the worst Republican in the country — a country that, may I remind you, includes Rick Santorum? Well, Santorum does not stand for such corrupt journalist practices as quoting the exact contents of a candidates speech, and he let Zeleny know it…

    "What speech did you listen to? Stop lying! I said he was the worst Republican to run on the issue of Obamacare. And that's what I was talking about! [...] Would you guys quit distorting what I'm saying? [...] I've been saying that at every speech. Quit distorting my words, if I see it [in print], it's bullshit!" Santorum erupted. "Come on, man! What are you doing?"

    Naturally, Santorum followed up with an email to supporters claiming to have been "aggressively attacked by a New York Times reporter."  Of course, the lamestream media would be less likely to misconstrue his remarks if they were properly delivered. If only there were some device, commonly used by effective public speakers, that could display a prepared speech on an unobtrusive screen and not make the candidate look like a buffoon…

    Photo by Mark Hirsch/Getty Images News/Getty Images

    Tags: Louisiana, Mitt Romney, New York Times, Primaries, Republicans, Rick Santorum, Wisconsin
  • "Pretend It's Obama"-Gate 2012

    Today, in hugely important national news, some stupid fucking person said some stupid fucking thing. Naturally, it has been dominating the headlines all day

    At a shooting range in Louisiana on Friday, an onlooker encouraged Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum to pretend the target he was firing at was President Barack Obama.

    "Santorum is shooting a 1911 Colt," Politico's Juana Summers tweeted from the sheriff’s office shooting range in West Monroe. "Range master says 'Well, it's not your first rodeo.' Someone here says 'pretend its Obama.'"…

    NBC's Andrew Rafferty provided confirmation: "Woman watching Santorum at shooting range in LA yells 'Pretend it's Obama' (there is 0 chance Santorum heard it)."

    Do you remember where you were when some random insignificant racist lady yelled something that was only vaguely-offensive by Louisiana standards at some guy who was never going to be president and couldn't hear her anyway?

    I don't think any of us will ever be able to forget.

    Photo by Paul J. Richards/AFP/Getty Images

    Tags: Barack Obama, Guns, Louisiana, Rick Santorum