Louisiana Politician to Save Economy with Anti-Pajama Law

Still reeling from the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina and the BP oil spill, Louisiana is finally making strides toward recovery thanks to the bold striped-flannel vision of a local parish leader in Shreveport…

Michael Williams, a commissioner in Caddo Parish, Louisiana, is seeking to ban pajamas from the streets after seeing a couple men in public with pajama pants and no underwear, their "private parts about to come out," reports KSDK.

What's the parish leader's rationale? It's not (only) because PJs look, well, less than professional as outerwear. No, he wants to bowdlerize your Snuggie because it's morally bankrupt:

"The moral fiber in our community is dwindling," Williams says. "If not now, when? Because it's pajama pants today, next it will be underwear tomorrow."

With many cities suffering from a depressed economy, high unemployment, and the lasting emotional scars of both natural and man-made disasters, this is a brilliant, totally necessary law. By preventing residents from strutting around town in pajamas, officials are forcing them to purchase new non-pajama clothes, thereby stimulating the local economy.

It remains to be seen whether the proposed law will be a partial pajama ban or a blanket pajama ban. Or whether there will be a blanket blanket ban. There's virtually no limit to the fleece-based solutions to Louisiana's social and economic woes.

Tags: Economy, Fashion, Laws, Louisiana, Sex

Poverty-Stricken Louisiana Congressperson Forced to Feed Family on Less Than Half-Million Dollars a Year

By now, I'm sure you've heard about Barack Obama's newly proposed "Buffet Rule," a plan to undermine the creation of American jobs by forcing millionaires to pay as much in taxes as their employees? Class warfare! Socialism! Demonic witchcraftery!

Only problem is, most Americans are demonic class-warring socialists who actually want millionaires to pay more in taxes? And, so far, no one's been able to adequately explain to them how stupid and greedy and anti-American they are for wanting that.

That is until Rep. John Fleming (R-LA) stepped up to the plate with this amazingly simple and thoroughly relatable argument…

[Rep. John] Fleming is himself a businesses owner, so Jansing asked, "If you have to pay more in taxes, you would get rid of some of those employees?"

Fleming responded by saying that while his businesses made $6.3 million last year, after you "pay 500 employees, you pay rent, you pay equipment, and food," his profits “a mere fraction of that” — "by the time I feed my family, I have maybe $400,000 left over."

Whaaaaaat??? I never thought of it that way! Only $400,000? Why, that's only several hundred thousand dollars more than the average American makes! Barely enough to keep up the payments on the kids' used yacht or maintain a fresh supply of fois gras in the fridge. And if you don't have a belly full of fois gras, you can't very well get down to the business of creating jobs in Indonesia here in America. (Basic Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs stuff, you untutored ruffian.)

Sorry, Barack Obama, but this argument just killed all your plans for overhauling our tax system. Once the American people hear this, they'll be too busy vomiting bitter tears out of their eye sockets to march behind your red flag of socialism.

Photo by Bill Clark/CQ-Roll Call Group/Getty Images

Tags: Barack Obama, House of Representatives, Louisiana, Money, Republicans, Taxes, Unemployment

The United States of Unflattering Stereotypes

How long does it take to travel to every state in the nation and mock it right to its face? About two minutes…

I think it's really cool that Paul Jury traveled 19,000 miles in the service of writing his book States of Confusion, but you've got to wonder if it was really necessary. If he was really interested in seeing how everybody in the country really lives, couldn't he have just gone to a Wal-Mart in a Hoveround?

Tags: Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, Books, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, Florida, Georgia, Hawaii, Idaho, Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, Washington, West Virginia, Wisconsin, Wyoming

Texans Might Soon Be Realizing What It's Like to Put Up with Texas

Dan Savage is concerned that — with Texas quite possibly ripping itself from the federal Medicaid program –neighboring states' medical systems may find themselves faced with an onslaught of proudly-self-sufficient Lone Star refugees.

But, he has a possible solution for the problem…

"So if Texas withdraws from Medicaid we're going to have to secure the border. I'm thinking we're going to need a dang fence running along Texas's borders with New Mexico, Oklahoma, Arkansas, and Louisiana. Maybe an electrified one."

I'm thinking that Mexico might also want to consider building it's own fence to keep the Texans out just south of the one the Texans built to keep the Mexicans out.

Tags: Arkansas, Dan Savage, Economy, Health Care, Louisiana, Medicaid, New Mexico, Oklahoma, Texas

My Favorite Election Night Moment: A Vitter Victory!

Tonight was an evening of great victories and crushing defeats. But mostly, it was a night on which an alleged diaper fetishist and admitted whoremonger easily recaptured his Senate seat in a state known primarily for permitting the good times to roll. Yes, David Vitter will live to oppose another healthcare reform bill, more financial reform, and perhaps even another Wall Street bailout. You may approve or disapprove of his politics, but you cannot disagree with his filthy, sexy charm.

So tonight, I raise my glass of bourbon (oh, you bet your ass I'm drinking) to Senator David Vitter, a man so manly that even rumors of a predilection for Pampers could not stop his mighty might. May your reddish visage approach Boehner-ian levels of orangeitude during your glorious 1000-year reign in the Senate.

Tags: David Vitter, Louisiana, Midterms, Prostitution, Sara Benincasa, Sex