Latest Posts

Malia Obama
  • Thank You, Huffington Post!

    I think we can all breath a little bit easier today…

    [screen shot]

    I don't know about you, but I was just about to go into full-on panick mode. I was all like, Where are President Obama and his two adorable daughters going to eat their frozen yogurt or shaved ice or whatever that stuff is this summer if they cannot settle on which mansion to stay in on an island I'll never visit?

    But, luckily, HuffPo was all over that shit with a front page headline the nanosecond that the crisis was averted.

    Now I can go back to lazily wondering about stupid stuff, like which mystery foreign country has that half-trillion dollars of U.S. money.

    Tags: Barack Obama, Ben Bernanke, Economy, Huffington Post, Malia Obama, Massachusetts, Sasha Obama
  • PuppyGate!: Why Won't The White House Release Bo the Dog's Birth Certificate?

    Bo the Dog hasn't even made it past his confirmation hearings yet, and he's already ensconced in scandal!

    Barack Obama and his wife Michelle… repeatedly said they wanted it to be a rescued dog such as one from a shelter… Enter Bo, a 6-month-old puppy given up by his first owner and matched with the Obamas through his breeders.

    Because he was given up by his first owner as a poor fit and is now with his second owners, the Obamas, but never spent time in a shelter or with a rescue group, Bo is a "quasi-rescue dog," says Wayne Pacelle, chief executive of The Humane Society of the United States…

    Conspiracy buffs might speculate that Bo was meant for the Obamas all along. Was his adoption by the Obamas engineered to look like a rescue — or at least blur the line to head off criticism that the Obamas had picked a purebred from a breeder?

    "I would have to refer that one to Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein," said Larry Sabato, director of the University of Virginia Center for Politics, referring to the Washington Post reporters of Watergate fame. "It's possible, but there's no way to prove it unless one of the principals talks, and I don't think anyone would care anyway."

    Thanks Fox News!

    I just knew that somebody would care!

    Tags: Barack Obama, Bo Obama, Malia Obama, Michelle Obama, Puppies!, Sasha Obama
  • America Welcomes Its New First Puppy!

    America's three-month nightmare is over!

    The good people of the United States finally have a First Dog again!

    That Bo's a handsome dog, huh? And from the Kennedy lineage? That's oddly fitting. Although, it's somewhat disconcerting to know that even our pets have to come from the proper political dynasty. (I'm sure that, in 2013, President Palin's family will be given a Great Dane that was second cousins to a Reagan or something.)

    Of course, in a situation like this, there's only one person whose opinion really matters. And, obviously, I'm talking about Newt Gingrich. Obviously…

    "I hope that the girls love the dog," Gingrich said on ABC's This Week. "I hope the family — and all the pressure they're going to be in — finds it useful. And I think that this whole thing is fairly stupid."

    The Obama girls better keep that confarned dog off Ol' Man Gingrich's lawn if they know what's good for 'em.

    Tags: Barack Obama, Bo Obama, Edward Kennedy, Malia Obama, Michelle Obama, Newt Gingrich, Puppies!, Sasha Obama, White House
  • PuppyGate!: Will the Obama Girls Know No End to Their Suffering?

    Barack Obama promised us a fucking dog when he got back from Europe. He's back from Europe. Where's the fucking dog?

    [Yesterday] afternoon at a planting event at the White House vegetable garden, CBS News’ Mark Knoller asked First Lady Michelle Obama when the newest member of the family would arrive at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

    "Soon!" Mrs. Obama said.

    The always-tenacious Knoller followed up: "How soon?"

    "Sooon!" the first lady said.

    I'm sorry, but "sooon" isn't sooon enough for me. I — personally, as an American — need for Sasha and Malia Obama to get their new little dog sooooooooooon. (I was gonna say, "soooooooooooooooooooooooon," but I didn't want to seem unreasonable.)

    This country has been asked to endure a lot these past couple months. Record unemployment rates. Money taken out of our paychecks and slipped into the bonus envelopes of Wall Street bankers. Fucking pirates attacking us at sea! Come on! Is it to much to ask for the President to just make good on his promise to us to make good on his promise to his daughters?!

    You know what? I don't even need it to be a First Dog anymore. I'll take a First Cat. Or a First Ferret. Hell, I'll take a First Turtle. Anything!

    Anything that'll make us forget — for a few minutes — how pooooooor we are.

    Tags: Barack Obama, Malia Obama, Michelle Obama, Puppies!, Sasha Obama
  • Obama Dog? Obama Dog!

    dogAccording to Michelle Obama, the long wait may soon be over and America may, once again, have what it so desperately craves: a First Dog

    And what kind of dog will soon be frolicking on the South Lawn? Mrs. Obama says she thinks she is going to look for a rescue Portuguese Water dog who is "old enough" and a "match" for the family dynamic.

    "Temperamentally they're supposed to be pretty good," she says of the breed that Sen. Ted Kennedy has also lobbied for (he has two Water dogs of his own). "From the size perspective, they're sort of middle of the road – it's not small, but it's not a huge dog. And the folks that we know who own them have raved about them. So that's where we're leaning."

    Figures. I suppose it was out of the question for the Obamas to get an American Water dog. But, all things considered, I guess we should just be happy that it won't be an Indonesian Water dog or an Islamic Jihadist Water dog.

    "Oh, the names are really bad. I don't even want to mention it, because there are names floating around and they're bad," Mrs. Obama says with a laugh. "You listen and you go – like, I think, Frank was one of them. Frank! Moose was another one of them. Moose. I said, well, what if the dog isn't a moose? Moose. I'm like, no, come on, let's work with the names a little bit."

    Yeah, whatever you do, don't go with anything vaguely American-sounding like Frank. That would just be ridiculous. Better to go with something a more exotic name. Like Mohammed.

    Tags: Barack Obama, Malia Obama, Michelle Obama, Puppies!, Sasha Obama, White House